Category: Report

Inspired Substitutions Rescue Jammy Hammers In Docker Shocker

A late revival earned West Ham an unlikely share of the spoils in Saturday’s much hyped Dockers Derby. Once again, poor preparation requiring changes to formation and personnel at half-time.

The Den London SE16. Saturday 19 September 2026 12:30 PM. Mostly Cloudy 19C

Pre-Match

I have a confession to make. I don’t have any stronger feelings about Millwall than I do about most of our other London rivals. I know in some supporter’s eyes that means I’m not ‘proper West Ham’, but I can’t concoct an animosity that is not truly felt. Fair enough there are those from a different ‘manor’ who have lived different experiences but for me the rivalry has been over- egged for the sake of media content.

The south Londoners barely registered on my personal radar of a West Ham fan growing up in the suburban badlands between east London and Essex. If I had ever encountered a Millwall fan, they never took the opportunity to reveal themselves. And having attended my first game at the Boleyn in 1961, it would be another 17 years before we finally got around to playing them. Even now, we have only played them 15 or 16 times in my supporting lifetime.

Scarily, things could easily have turned out quite differently. With a father born in Stratford and a mother born in Bermondsey, I am forever grateful that natural selection ensures football allegiances are passed down exclusively through paternal genes. Saving me from a lifetime of caravans, railway arches and gold signet rings.

None of that takes anything away from the importance of the game. A London derby that must be won and approached with pride and commitment. And against an opponent who will see this game as their cup final.

Teams

No surprise that Nuno has named the same eleven which started against Wrexham apart from the one injury forced change, Kyle Walker-Peters replacing Joel Veltman at right back. Sticking with a winning team is a common mantra in football and one that Nuno follows religiously. Just as he will persevere with his fixated 4-4-2 formation until something goes disastrously wrong.

As for Millwall, they come into the game with a lengthy injury list. On paper that is promising for West Ham perspective although history reminds us that this is not always the case.

Just to gauge the gap in the financial resources of the two clubs. In the last published accounts, West Ham’s revenues were £226 million, Millwall’s £23.9 million. Even allowing for the relegation income penalty facing the Hammers that is quite a difference. And illustrates what an achievement it was for the Lions to be challenging for promotion last season on such a limited budget. We have no excuses.

 Hermansen, Walker-Peters, Mavropanos, Kilman, Morato, Engels, Mukasa, Bowen ©, Solomon, Taty, Piroe. Subs: Herrick (GK), Scarles, Golambeckis, Magassa, Orford, Kanté, Ajala, Austbø, Pablo

First Half

Millwall 2 (Caleb Taylor 16, Camiel Neghli 45 +3) West Ham 0

Abysmal, dreadful, awful. Just a few selected words to describe West Ham’s first half performance. More donkey derby than docker derby. Totally unprepared for the intensity of the opposition game. Out thought in the dugout; out fought on the pitch.

The worst fears that Nuno’s formation would mean being overwhelmed in midfield were all too apparent, especially in the absence of a specialist defensive midfielder. Where Millwall brought motivation and organisation, West Ham were passive, weak and rudderless.

With Engels and Mukasa marooned the wrong side of the halfway line, the front four players barely had a meaningful touch for the first half hour. No runners, little movement and Nuno looking on helplessly from the sidelines.

Do they not have any specific pre-match preparation at Rush Green? Did they not expect an aggressive opening from Millwall – in front of their own supporters at the Den? Must we always be taken by surprise at how opponents approach games and wait until half time to fix things?

The two Millwall goals were almost carbon copies of each other as West Ham again revealed their vulnerability to long throws. The very thought causing panic, fear and alarm.

The first scored while Mavropanos was off the pitch having been clattered by Hermansen’s rash attempt to reach a cross that was never his to claim. Another goal where Kilman turned his back on the ball rather than risk getting struck. Craig Dawson and Ginger Pele would be turning on their sixpences at the thought of such cowardice. Surely time to put him back on the bench where he can do less damage.

The second came just as the prospect of somehow making it to the break just the one goal behind. But with more white shirts spectating than defending the hosts were free to deservedly double their lead.  

Second Half

Millwall 2 (Caleb Taylor 16, Camiel Neghli 45 +3) West Ham 2 (Mohamadou Kanté 74, Konstantinos Mavropanos 80)

A poor showing always begs the question: is it the players or the system that’s too blame? The answer is probably a bit of both, but I have little confidence in Nuno’s system myself. And if the players have similar feelings, then performances will always suffer. It may work against open attacking sides prepared to concede space between the lines – but they are the exception. Against the rest – and wise opponents will see Millwall’s approach as a perfect template – the undermanned midfield and pedestrian build-up will prove costly.

In the event, Nuno made changes to both players and system at half time. On came Pablo and Kante in place of Piroe and KWP, with a change to three at the back and an extra body in midfield. Whether it was formation, personnel or Millwall tiring, West Ham gradually took the initiative.

Pablo – can’t play with him, can’t play without him – came out like a man who had been watching Green Street on repeat over the past week. His effort was inspirational although he missed with a header that Piroe might well have put away.

The Hammers struggled to turn their dominance into chances until Kante let rip from 35 yards to reduce the deficit. It was all West Ham after that. Bowen, Solomon and Austbo came to life and Kante was making runs beyond the strikers. Purpose and energy returned to their game. When Solomon sent over a delightful cross, Mavropanos was on hand to head home the equaliser.

A West Ham winner would have been harsh on Millwall but the chances of that happening faded when Kante was red carded for a blatant DOGSO. The consensus that Kante did the right thing shows how far cynicism has infected the professional game. When Willie Young scythed down Paul Allen in the 1980 cup final, we were outraged at how shocking and unsporting it all was. So bad that it led to the rules being changed. Now, it is applauded as taking one for the team.

In the end, Nuno and West Ham got away with one on Saturday. Hopefully he has a further supply of Get-Out-Of-Jail cards up his sleeve. For the neutral, I imagine it was an enjoyable game to watch. Plenty of action, passion, tackles – and no VAR to spoil the occasion. COYI!

NOW That’s What I Call Football, Volume Six Zero: Five Takeaways From Hammer’s Hollywood Blockbuster

An out of the (claret and) blue West Ham performance of free-flowing football has supporters gobsmacked and observers purring while Nuno throws caution to the wind

Nuno Says Relax

The most pleasing aspect of Friday’s performance for me was to the witness excellent movement from the West Ham players right across the pitch. With movement in front of you, the opportunity for progressive passing becomes all the more possible. Too often players have been receiving the ball in stationary positions and opting for the safety-first option of the sideways pass. Momentum is lost; space created and unpredictability are at a premium. That all changed on Friday. It was football with a smile on its face, played with a swagger, verve and joie de vivre last seen during the pandemic.  

It is movement which creates space for others to exploit; and we started to see players carrying the ball from deep positions with purpose. It delivered flashes of the variety and flair that Hammer fans have longed for. One might even say it was football played the West Ham way. It was beautiful. It was dominant. It was entirely unrecognisable. But once the dust settled, every battle-hardened supporter will be asking themselves the same thing: can it be repeated, or was it the accidental expenditure of a season’s worth of competence in a single game?

Kante Goes To Hollywood

More often than not, it is the 30-yard piledriver that garners most attention and goes on to win goal of the season. Personally, I love a team goal scored at the culmination of a free flowing, well worked move – and there were plenty to choose from on Friday night.

Mukasa’s pinpoint cross-field pass, Solomon’s hold-up play, Morato’s overlap and measured cross, and Bowen’s run for number one. Solomon’s through ball, Taty’s unselfish pull back for Piroe to score the second. KWP’s lung busting run from his own penalty area and Taty’s cool finish for make it four-nil. Solomon’s delightful pass and Kante’s run, control and rising drive to make it five. Finally, another KWP run and layoff to setup Solomon for a well-deserved sixth.

Perhaps the move that epitomised the spirit of the performance the best didn’t even end in a goal. A combination of Taty – Piroe – Taty – Bowen with the latter’s drive whistling tantalisingly past the far post.

And how nice not to have to put up with VAR taking five minutes to analyse whether Taty’s shoulder blade was offside in the build up to the Piroe goal. Spontaneity is back. Long live the spontaneity!

Two Tribes: West Ham Exceptional or Wrexham Awful?

A natural tendency after such a commanding one-sided performance is to wonder whether the win was the result of the Hammer’s excellence or Wrexham’s shortcomings. Had we made them look ordinary or had the visitor’s ordinariness made us look world beaters. In truth, it was a combination of the two until a flood of goals generated confidence at one end and edginess at the other.

Wrexham seemed naïve rather than abysmal – not yet finding their feet in the second tier after their meteoric rise from obscurity. They were billed as a physically strong side alternating between intense pressing and a compact mid to low block. But failed to deliver. Perhaps it was the plan all along to sacrifice the freedom of the wings and hope to deal with low risk crosses in the centre. If it was, it was undone by the unfamiliar range of movement displayed by the Hammers. And, for once, there was no parking brake applied at half-time as Nuno’s men continued to press forward, seeking to score as many goals as they could.   

Welcome To The Hammerdome

In every all-round top-notch team performance, there are always those who standout, and it was understandably the attacking players who shone the brightest.

The spring was back in Jarrod Bowen’s step with the type of performance which reinforces that he is a cut above anyone else in this league. He might well have had a hattrick and there was one sublime ball to pick out Manor Solomon early in the second half.

On the opposite wing, we were treated to just what Solomon has to offer. In earlier games, I suggested he was all pie and no filling. On Friday, he was different gravy, making a contribution to four of the six goals scored, even if he didn’t earn an assist credit for all of them. The pass for the Kante goal was outstanding.

And then there was Taty. The subject of many a wantaway rumour during the summer, he doesn’t look like someone who would rather be elsewhere. He is clearly an intelligent footballer who has become adept at intricate link up play – something unexpected from last season’s performances. With Pablo out of the way, we see far more fluidity from his partnership with Piroe. It has me wavering over my dislike for Nuno’s 4-4-1-1 formation.

Taty’s goal was his first in the league this season and good to see the goals being shared around. The tally currently stands at Bowen (4), Piroe and Mav (3), Solomon, Kante and Mukasa (2).

The Power of Love: Table Toppers

More than one media outlet framed the West Ham performance as ominous for the remaining Championship clubs. Let’s hope it turns out that way and that momentum can be maintained. A possible consequence, though, is that opponents will look to frustrate the Hammers by defending deep and denying space. The test then becomes a case of achieving victory through attrition. Are we up for the challenge?

It is still early days for league tables but there is nothing like being right at the top. The caveat is that of the seven games played, only two have been against sides currently in the top half – while four have been against teams currently in the bottom six. But we have now reached the two points per game target which usually guarantees automatic promotion if maintained.

Of the other early pacesetters, Middlesbrough. Wolves, Southampton and (maybe) Swansea are likely to be the major threats.

Now there is just the small matter of a Carabao Cup tie and a trip across the river to Bermondsey to occupy us. COYI!

A Prod Is As Good As A Dink To A Signed Norse: Austbo Adds Gloss To West Ham’s Derby Demolition

A late cameo from debutant Austbo steals the show as West Ham eventually ease past an unadventurous Derby at the London Stadium. The Hammers are maybe finally finding their Championship feet.

Saturday 5 September 2026. London Stadium, Stratford E15. Partly Sunny 22C

Pre-match Tensions

Another week, another swing from desolate doom to unbridled celebration as West Ham’s season trundles along while transfer windows and boardroom plots lurk in the shadows. To keep on top of things in the modern game, a football fan needs to be as familiar with player amortisation, squad cost ratios and pre-emptive shareholder rights as they are with formations, transitions and inverted full backs. How have they made it so complicated?

Some years ago, a group of boffins – remember them, the one-time staple of tabloid headlines, as in “Busty Boffin In Raunchy Love Nest Romp” – calculated that when your team loses it robs you of four times the amount of happiness that is gained from a win. The joy of a win is fleeting while the sadness of defeat lingers for many hours more. Possibly even longer now there is a whole online ecosystem feeding off that disappointment and transforming it into outrage. Analysing each stray pass, defensive lapse, fluffed chance, and refereeing injustice.

Once upon a much simpler time, the only statistic I was interested in after the latest reverse to an undeserving opponent was my xP – the expected number of pints needed to completely forget what I had just seen. Now the postmortem extends way beyond the call of last orders.

It was interesting to hear Nuno say how much the win against Wolves had lifted the mood at the club. My belief was that erratic game-to-game volatility is the preserve of the supporter rather than the coach, whose job is to take objective and balanced views in fixing what isn’t working regardless of results. But I suppose winning builds confidence and today is an early opportunity to observe how that works out in practice.

The Teams Are Announced

There are two changes from the team that started on Tuesday. Veltman and Piroe come in to replace Walker-Peters and Pablo. Veltman was not the most exciting of summer signings, but he brings a wealth of experience and a definite sense of leadership to the team. Deadline day signings Boiro and Morato both find a place on the bench.

Pablo is the notable absentee from the matchday squad. Does that mean an injury or is an exit on the cards to one of the leagues where the transfer window remains open? With Ajala missing also, there are no backup striker among the substitutes.

A slither of hope for those willing Pablo to eventually come good is that it took Peter Crouch 1,229 minutes to score his first goal after his move to Liverpool. Pablo is currently on 1,150 minutes and counting. Perhaps bagging the winner against Millwall will do the trick.

Hermansen, Veltman, Mavropanos, Kilman, Scarles, Engels, Mukasa, Bowen ©, Solomon, Piroe, Taty. Subs: Herrick (GK), Walker-Peters, Boiro, Morato, Golambeckis, Lamadrid, Kanté, Austbø, Orford   

The match referee is Oliver Langford. His Mike Dean challenge for today is to perform a charade of Three Men and a Baby while sorting out the goalmouth skirmishes in preparation for a corner kick.

First Half Report

West Ham 1 (Piroe 6) Derby County 0

Nuno is persevering with his 4-4-something formation with all its loss of fluidity and the potential for overload in the midfield. Most coaches had abandoned it years ago, but Nuno must see what others don’t or else believes it to be the only one suited to the players in his squad – even after all the comings and goings of the summer.

On paper, the centre of midfield pairing of Engels and Mukasa feels lightweight. It is also a setup which places too much defensive responsibility on the wide attacking players, Bowen and Solomon. Fortunately, Derby have arrived without any ambition to compete in the midfield areas and are happy to surrender control to their hosts. Taty and Piroe are rotating up top, and it takes only six minutes for them to combine and open the scoring. Bowen’s fine cross, Taty’s header back across goal and Piroe perfectly placed to prod home.

The remainder of the first half is one-way traffic with the Hammers creating plenty of chances to extend their lead. The early goal has not galvanised the visitors into action, and they are content to keep it tight at the back and not concede further goals.

At times there is even a touch of swagger in West Ham’s approach play including several delightful combinations featuring Taty, Bowen and Mukasa. How refreshing to have a player like Mukasa able to carry a threat through central areas of the pitch. It makes the team so much less predictable. Elsewhere, the defence has looked collectively sound, and Engels is putting in an excellent shift in the engine room. It is also pleasing to see more bodies getting into the box in support of attacks.

The Hammers will be frustrated to go in the break just one goal to the good. For a team that has historically failed to perform in two consecutive halves of football the question is: will they live to regret it?

Full Time Report

West Ham 3 (Piroe 6, Austbo 87, Kante 90+5) Derby County 0

It’s not clear what Nuno says to his players during the half-time team talk but once again lethargy has crept into Hammer’s demeanour following the re-start. Whatever has been said, it has not had the desired motivational effect.

Luckily, despite their increased possession, Derby have offered little in the way of goal threat. But a single goal lead is always precarious. It only needs a deflected shot, a set piece scramble – or for the referee to have called hand ball when the ball struck Mav’s arm in the area – for it to be cancelled out.

As an attacking force, the Hammers had become especially weak down their left-hand side. Scarles game lacks composure and conviction at the moment and could well do with a break from first team action. Solomon, on the other hand, continues to flatter to deceive. He’s like a disappointing firework. Looks good, has great attitude, good control and first touch. But the explosion never comes. The blue touch paper has been lit but fizzles out in a puff of smoke and stray sparks. He had one great opportunity to enter the memorable West Ham goals hall of fame when an audacious lobbed pass from Mukasa fell nicely into his path – but the mistimed shot looped tamely into the keeper’s arms.

A welcome treat for Nuno this weekend was that his substitutions worked out perfectly. Orford replacing the injured Taty shored up the midfield, pushed Mukasa further forward and altered the team’s shape for the better. And it was the introduction of Austbo and Kante which triggered the late scoring flurry to secure all three points.

Full marx to Engels for his surging run and cross that arrived (via a scuffed Bowen shot) at the feet of Austbo to steer calmly home and register a dream debut goal. Then, as the clock ticked down, Austbo’s clever pass forward invited Kante to lash home from just outside the box.

In the end, it was a job well done. A decent and encouraging overall performance, a rare clean sheet, and a more respectable look to the league table. A second consecutive win makes it a double happiness week and evens up the balance for the season if you include cup games.

Now it must be done all over again for the upcoming games on Tuesday and Friday evenings. We must rely on Nuno to make the correct and intelligent squad rotation decisions to maintain the new found momentum. COYI!

Seven Points Thrown Away: And So It’s My Assumption, Nuno’s Up The Watford Junction

Except for the names and a few other changes, it is the same West Ham story at Vicarage Way as slow build up, risk aversion, poor movement and a lack of penetration lead to frustration and the loss of more important league points.

Vicarage Road, Watford. Saturday 29 August 2026. 3:00 PM. Light to Heavy Showers: 19C

Pre-match Thoughts

As ever the big question when West Ham play Watford is “are Watford a London club?” The evidence is conflicting. I’m sure they appeared in a bold typeface in the old Evening News/ Standard Saturday night classifieds; and were occasionally featured on London Weekend Television’s Big Match the following day. The town is served by the London Underground, sits inside the M25 and is no further from Central London than Romford is. On the other hand, it officially remained part of Hertfordshire rather than being annexed (as Romford and indeed West Ham were) during the expansion of Greater London in 1965. So, there you have it. The answer is “possibly”.

The other big question is what lessons, if any, will have been learned from last Saturday’s woeful effort against Charlton and the noticeable midweek improvement at Southampton? We’ll know fairly soon.

This will be the penultimate game before the transfer window closes as West Ham will again be playing on the actual night. Although the Boardroom has lost some its reputation for having more leaks than soup in a basket, the window has largely played out much as it always has. Better prices have been received for departures admittedly, but progress on signings has been as hesitant, haphazard and protracted as usual.

Alongside the transfer window, the pre-emption round for the purchase of the Gold family shares also slams shut over the coming week. The widespread belief is that Daniel Kretinski will emerge as the main buyer, but we can’t know that for certain. Maybe he has seen enough over the last few weeks to have a change of heart and pass the poison chalice onto the Staveley consortium.

The Teams Are Announced

Nuno’s team selection shows three changes from the side that started against Charlton. Out go Mavropanos (injured), Scarles and Piroe. In come Veltman, Golambeckis and Mukasa. On paper it looks like a 4-2-3-1 with Mukasa deployed as the creative attacking midfielder. Walker-Peters is switched to left back ahead of Mayers and Scarles.

A surprise after the midweek performances is that it is Kante who gets the nod over Orford. This may be due to Nuno’s preference for height in centre of midfield – the same rationale for Soucek’s frequent starts last season. The absence of a quick, mobile and tactically aware deep lying midfielder to protect the defence continues to stick out.

Match Report

Watford 1 (Nabizada 19) West Ham 1 (Pollock (OG) 27)

There was too little action this week to divide the match report into its separate halves.      

West Ham had a brightish opening ten minutes but with only another blocked shot from Bowen to show for their efforts. The early momentum then switched as the home side began to grow in confidence and into the game. The Hornets took the lead on 19 minutes with a neat lobbed finish that a proper goalkeeper with normal sized arms should easily have saved. For a while, Watford’s ascendency suggested they might well double their lead to add to visitor’s woes. However, the Hammers survived and largely control possession for the remainder of the game. Apart, that is, from a short spell of Watford dominance just after the break as the Hammers recovered from Nuno’s inspiring half-time team talk.

The game had returned to all square by the break thanks to an unnecessary attempt to play out from the back by Keben in the home defence. Full marks to Taty for not giving up the chase but the goal came gift-wrapped rather than as a reward for any incisive claret and blue play.

The second half was almost entirely without incident. The Hammers created little from their near 70% possession or from the succession of corners which floated carelessly into the night. Watford’s occasional forays up field, while executed with purpose, rarely caused meaningful danger.

It was textbook low intensity football from West Ham. The apparent formation change made little material difference and played out as a hybrid of the anticipated 4-2-3-1 and the 4-4-1-1 that has plagued our approach since its unexpected short-term success at the start of the year.

Transition was again painfully slow; defined by a pointless back and forth in the defensive third. The theoretically most dangerous outlets (Bowen and Solomon) typically received the ball in deep, static positions with a full defensive line reformed in front of them – given ample time get back into its shape.

For the most part, our wingers do most of their work well away from the danger areas. Cutting inside before running out of space and being forced to play sideways or backwards. It is a rarity to have a ball played into space for a wide man to run onto. And if (and when) a ball is eventually delivered into the box, there are never enough bodies arriving to attack it.

Everything we see is a consequence of the low-risk mindset at the heart of Nuno’s footballing philosophy. It might occasionally work when the opposition is attack minded (as it did at Southampton) but is hopeless when confronted with a low block or intense pressing. The sad fact is that this will be case in the majority of Championship games this season.

Of equal significance is the lack of movement this risk averse attitude engenders. Where are the runners, who is creating the space for others to exploit? Mukasa struggled to make any impact – as other attacking midfielders have before him – due to an obvious lack of passing options and movement in front of him. It is a team playing on their heels rather than their toes. This has been a long running West Ham problem relieved only temporarily during the Lingard/ Rice purple patch of 2021.

Supporters are right to want and expect more signings before the window closes. But those signings should be to convert a squad already good enough for top four into certainties for promotion. The fact is we currently sit in 19th place having dropped seven points from the nine available. The only reasonable conclusion is that the underlying problem lies in the dugout. A mindset that was complicit in last season’s relegation and refuses to budge or adapt.

Will bringing in different players make the necessary improvements if nothing else changes. Marginally perhaps but not to the level required to achieve automatic promotion. It would the equivalent of signing up more A-list actors for a movie where the Director is clueless and the script and screenplay are an abomination.

The writing must surely be on the wall for Nuno. There are five more league games and an EFL third round encounter before the international break. It will need a massive turnaround for the manager to survive the chop at that point. We can officially launch the six games to save his job countdown, starting with Tuesday night’s clash with Wolves.

One bright spot from the game was the assured performance of Golambeckis in the centre of defence. He has the look of a very intelligent centre-back with good pace and great awareness. It will be interesting to see how he fares against the more agricultural of Championship strikers. COYI!

West Ham Face Critical Dilemma Following Charlton Clash: Should He Stay Or Should He Go Now?

An inability to establish an identity on the pitch, players regularly played out of position, glaring gaps in the squad, and another rudderless performance against Charlton on Saturday raise serious concerns over Nuno’s future at the London Stadium

London Stadium. Saturday 22 August 2026. 3:00 PM. Partly sunny: 21C

Pre-Match Thoughts

The season may be a few games old by now, but it is the daily transfer chatter which continues to dominate the cyber waves. With another week or so still to go, further comings and goings are guaranteed as the bean counters grapple with the two-pronged cash flow and squad cost ratio dilemma. A situation not at all helped by the unwelcome and drawn-out ownership skirmishes dividing the boardroom.

The best advice is don’t get that favourite player’s name printed on the back of your shirt until the final squad lists are published, and the window has finally closed on 1 September. Does the transfer window still slam shut when you’re in the Championship? The jerky grating of an old patio door stuck on its runners is perhaps more in keeping with the make-do-and-mend environment we find ourselves in currently.

Reading supporter’s comments online, I get the sense that transfer schizophrenia abounds. It would be great to unearth emerging talent, but what we need are players with experience at this level. Now’s not the right time to take a flyer on unproven talent when there are immediate problems to solve, they say. Just as it won’t be next season, or the season after that. And that, unfortunately, leaves us with the same short-term, unplanned, expedient recruitment approach that has failed to deliver for the past 15 years. The strategy that is responsible for the haphazard, bits and pieces squad we see before us. Buying tomorrow’s deadwood today by scouring the clearance sales for late career players and overpaying for foreign imports unsuited to the English game. All topped up by an assortment of last-minute emergency loans.

Some feel that Nils Koppen should have made more of a mark by now. But that’s a big call for a guy who is just a few weeks into his job; trying to understand Nuno’s requirements and match them to competent players available at knockdown prices. A Director of Recruitment is for life, not just for a single transfer window!

Still, at least Nuno has a  few new options to toy with ahead of today’s visit of Charlton Athletic. Let’s see how it pans out.

The Team Sheets Are In

Chapter 9 of the Timid Manager’s Handbook recommends not starting your new signings until they’ve had at least one game sat on the bench. Surprisingly, Nuno has gone rogue this afternoon and given starting debuts to both Engels and Piroe.

The official website is presenting it as a 4-2-3-1 and it will be interesting to see how that works out in practice. The assumption is that Piroe will be furthest forward and Taty in a more withdrawn role. He’s not my idea of a Number 10 but innocent until proven guilty and all that.  

This will be the first home league meeting with Charlton for almost exactly 20 years when West Ham ran out 3-1 victors in August 2006. Former Hammer, Connor Coventry will feature in the Addicks midfield.

Half Time Report

West Ham 0 Charlton 1 (Jones 7)

An all too familiar sluggish start from the Hammers with a formation that shows how dangerous assumptions are when it comes to Nuno. Our new, proven Championship goalscorer has been shoehorned into the Pablo role behind the striker; leaving a disinterested Taty to wander around up top by himself.

Soon, we are a goal down. An innocuous, not particularly long or flat throw-in is allowed to bounce, and the ball is in the back of the net as defenders and goalkeeper look on in amazement.

The pattern of play for the remainder of the half settles into routine frustration. The thrift shop Charlton side are quick and incisive on the break with players able to run with the ball. West Ham are slow and predictable. Hoping to bore the opposition into a stupor by the monotony of their passing.

Focusing your attacks through wide players is a reasonable tactic if you can get the ball out to them quickly and you’re not playing your main striker in midfield. But when you allow opponents to get back into shape while you play triangles in the middle third blunts any offensive threat. Apart from a late Taty header, the Charlton goal face little danger.

Full Time Report

West Ham 1 (Piroe 74) Charlton 2 (Jones 7, Campbell 56)

Nuno replaced Kante with Orford at half-time. One not-really-a-defensive-midfielder for another. This is apparently the extent of his plan for turning things around as everything stayed thesame. The build-up remained ponderous and West Ham still had no-one capable of carrying the ball through the opposition lines. An ability that left (and has never been replaced) with the departure of Declan Rice. On first appearances, it doesn’t look like Arne Engels is the answer to that deficiency.

By the 56th minute, Charlton were two up. Mavropanos had plenty of time to deal with a straightforward punt up field. He made a mess with his original control, had an opportunity to recover but chose to try and buy a foul instead. The referee, perhaps free from the spectre of scrutiny by VAR, was not so easily fooled. A shot from the edge of the box into the corner of the net completed the embarrassment. Should the keeper have done better?

On a good day, Mavropanos is the club’s only reliable defender. But last season’s HOTY becomes a bag of nerves when partnered with Kilman. Neither full-back excels defensively and it is puzzling why the manager continues to opt for Scarles over Mayers.

Defensive lapses are as much a part of West Ham’s DNA as blowing bubbles. A competent defence is a foundation for success. If the recruitment department have only one focus over the next week it should be to find uncompromising replacements for the defensive midfield and centre back positions.

West Ham’s late second half flurry had more to do with Charlton sitting back than any inspired tactical changes. It resulted in a debut goal for Piroe, several headed opportunities that went begging, and a shot from Mukasa that was well saved by the keeper. There should have been a get-out-of-jail card moment in the closing minutes but inexplicably penalty taking duties had been assigned to Taty rather than Bowen. It’s about time, the show-boaty, stuttering penalty run-up was consigned to the Room 101 of football history.  

Nuno has become the latest in a sequence of West Ham managers to stand forlorn and bemused on the wide expanse of the London Stadium touchline. Apparently powerless to do anything about the events unfolding on the pitch. His body language says, “I wish I wasn’t here” and, for once, I agree with him.

Did he just get lucky (as managers often do) in those brief spells at Wolves and Forest? He has been at West Ham for a year now and the team shows no sign of developing an effective style of play or demonstrating a football philosophy. Just as timidity didn’t lead to safety last season, it is unlikely to win promotion this.

With a tough run of league and cup games coming up before the international break, his future must surely be in the balance. No doubt, we must endure the obligatory x games to save his job charade before sanity prevails.     

Pointathon Update

With two games gone and a points per game average of 0.5, the run rate to reach an automatic promotion target of 90 points has increased from 1.96 to 2.02 points per game. Five out of a possible 138 points have been lost forever.

Plenty to think about on the training ground then. In my old football training days, we would regularly play shirts versus skins. I wonder if Nuno goes for Square Pegs versus Round Holes? COYI!

Familiar Failings Ensure Turf Moor Is Less For West Ham In Season Opener

Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose. West Ham start the season in time honoured fashion by surrendering a two goal lead against Burnley at Turf Moor. A long, hard season awaits.

Setting The Scene

Turf Moor, Burnley. Sunday 16 August 2026. 16:00. Light clouds and light winds: 18C

Finally, another season is upon us. Some things have changed. A new division, new boardroom leadership, a new Director of Recruitment and the obligatory new season kit for sale in the club shop. Others things stubbornly remain the same. The same manager with the usual press conference blather. The same financial pressures ensuring hesitancy in the transfer market, and (thanks to relegation) the same shirt sponsor – as Championship watchers don’t need the same level of protection from unscrupulous bookies as the worldwide Premier League audience does.

And all too soon, we will know whether it’s going to be the same old safety-first tactics served up on the pitch.

Pre-Match Tension

The teams have been announced. The Hammers squad shows eight survivors from those involved in the 2-0 win at Turf Moor last February. The Clarets squad has nine.

Nuno hasn’t sprung any surprises in the West Ham starting eleven. It’s as expected with the usual vulnerabilities and lack of depth to the fore. I’m still to be convinced by Mads, I would have preferred either Diouf or Mayers at left back over Scarles, and Kilman is an ongoing worry – his score on the central defender bravery index is below the lower limit of detection.

The central midfield pairing of Kante and Orford – in the confirmed absence of Alvarez – feels very light, both in experience and defensive attributes. The inference from the list of excluded players is that the club plan to shift Wan-Bissaka, Todibo, Alvarez, and Fullkrug before the end of the window. Replacements will be badly needed.

There’s a starting place for Solomon on the left and a seat on the bench for Veltman. Amusing to hear how excited each of the new signings are about the West Ham ‘project’ – almost as if it were scripted. Wasn’t it Scott Duxbury who always had a project on the go?  

Hermansen, Walker-Peters, Mavropanos, Kilman, Scarles, Orford, Kanté, Bowen ©, Solomon, Taty, Pablo.  Subs: Areola (GK), Veltman, Diouf, Mayers, Golambeckis, Ward-Prowse, Earthy, Ajala, Landers

Half Time Report

Burnley 0 West Ham 1 (Kilman, 10)

What do I know? Scarles has look bright linking up with Solomon on the left. And Kilman pops up with the only goal of the half.

It was another sluggish start from the Hammers as Burnley dominated the opening exchanges with a blast of fast, direct football. The visitor’s barely having a touch of the ball in the initial 5 or 6 minutes. But the Claret’s early threat was rudely blunted on ten minutes when Kilman escaped his marker to head home his first competitive West Ham goal from Bowen’s corner.   

The goal changed the complexion of the game. West Ham taking full control, looking disciplined, well organised, hardworking and racking up a dizzy 63% possession before half-time. Albeit, without creating much in the way of clear-cut chances.

Orford looked very assured on his league debut although the partnership with Kante was leaving gaping holes through the middle to offer Burnley encouragement for the second half.

Full Time Report

Burnley 2 (Fleming, 83 (Pen), 90 + 2) West Ham 2 (Kilman, 10, Solomon 72)

It wouldn’t be a West Ham game without a head scratching substitution moment. To prove a point Nuno obliged by replacing Pablo with JWP at half-time. Initially it was assumed to be a tactical change – to reinforce the central midfield. But later suggestions cited a problem with Pablo’s calf – perhaps a repetitive strain injury from attempting to control the ball.

Would we now see a further repeat of the perplexing Pablo paradox? Can’t play with him, even worse without him!

The weird part of Nuno’s change was that in endeavouring to maintain the 4-4-2 formation, he opted to move Bowen into the centre and plonked JWP on the right wing. Suddenly, the shape and organisation that was so apparent in the first half fell into disarray. Why does this happen so often with our substitutions? It handed the initiative to Burnley as the Hammer’s defending wobbled, the whole team dropped deeper, and thoughts of adding to the goal tally became distant. A home goal looked increasingly likely.

Mavropanos and Kilman has never been the ideal central defensive partnership, and both were dominated in the air by Flemming as a succession of crosses rained in. The pairing hadn’t work in the Premier League and looked no more solid at this level.

Then, out of the blue, West Ham doubled their lead. A fine run down the right by Kante, a deflected cross, and the ball fell nicely to Solomon to rifle home. Solomon can be happy with his debut. He kept himself busy even though his movement was often frantic rather than controlled – like a bluebottle attempting to escape from a lampshade. He’s no Yossi or Eyal but an improvement over Yaniv Katan. More than competent at this level.

Surely the second goal was enough to break Burnley’s spirit. A winning start to the season was just 18 minutes and a display of careful game management away. But as West Ham tired and struggled to keep hold of the ball, the Clarets had other ideas. They became favourites in every 50-50 challenge and refused to lie down.

For all his fine attacking play before the break, Scarles’ defensive chops were repeatedly shown up in the second period. This culminated in the unnecessary and rash challenge which provided the penalty lifeline the hosts were looking for.

As the clock ticked into added time, West Ham hung on desperately. Another ball into the box, a messy scramble, a poor half-hearted clearance by Kilman, and a Burnley equaliser. Another game thrown away in the last knockings. But credit to Burnley, they were well worth their point.

The Promotion Pointathon

Scanning through the final league standings since we were last in the Championship shows that 90 points is generally a realistic target for automatic promotion. Getting there requires between 22 and 30 victories plus enough draws to make up the balance. Reaching ninety points averages out at 1.96 points per game.

The stretch target (as the HR department likes to say) would be to break the 100-point barrier. To reach a ton, needs between 27 and 33 wins at an average of 2.17 points per game.

Let’s see how we do after letting two slip away on Sunday. Playing not lose rather than playing to win is rarely the path to runaway success.

Of course, the benchmark for runaway West Ham promotion pushes is the 1980/ 81 season where, from 42 matches, the Hammers romped to 28 wins, 10 draws, and just 4 defeats. But then that was a side which could boast Parkes, Stewart, Bonds, Martin, Devonshire, Brooking and Cross among its ranks. COYI!

It’s A West Ham Scorcher: Seven Minute Sunny Spell Triggers Soaring Expectations

As West Ham progress through to the second round of the Carabao cup, there is a danger of being seduced by an emphatic scoreline that was not as flattering as it looks.

A wise man once proclaimed, “the truth of the battle is whatever the victor deems it to be.’ I’m not sure who it was, but probably some Chinese fella such as Master Po from the 1970’s Kung Fu TV series. In this spirit, significant swaths of the West Ham commentariat have deemed to interpret Saturday’s ‘comfortable’ 3 – 1 win against Portsmouth as an omen of a glorious Championship season to come. I fear this might be somewhat premature.

The reality of the performance was quite different. Although a pre-season friendly feel still hung in the air, the familiar fragile foibles of last season continued to haunt the London Stadium. A slow start, giving away possession, an inability to play through the lines, stilted movement, and a general lack of adventure. A repeat showing next weekend will result in a very unhappy return trip from East Lancashire.

Let’s remember that Portsmouth are a very average Championship side. They finished 18th last season and will most likely be in and around the lower reaches once more this time around. They looked tidy in possession but with (fortunately) little cutting edge. How and why were they able to dominate so completely for the first 40 minutes of the game is perplexing. Before the Hammers grabbed the equaliser, I believe they were trending at 65% possession.

In his post-match comments, Nuno praised the movement and combinations on show for each of the West Ham goals. But where had those attributes been hiding prior to the seven-minute goal blitz. A period where the best on offer were spells of pointless passing across the back – followed by hopeful punts up field once other options had been exhausted.

When Nuno is interviewed after games, he will frequently suggest that the way we play week in, week out is not what he wants. He is delighted by those brief moments where the team discovers its swaggers, where passing and movement spring to life, and confidence on the ball spreads through the team. Why then, do the players find it so difficult to deliver what he says he wants – and what, we must assume, he prepares them for? Do they not understand the instructions, are they scared to take any risks, is there no leadership on the pitch? How can the same plan fail in the same way with such monotonous regularity?

And what caused the sudden change of heart for those seven glorious minutes? The shock of going a goal behind? Or had someone spiked the hydration break water bottles with shots of concentrated Carabao Raspberry energy burst?

The idea of West Ham as runaway league leaders of the Championship built upon limited possession, scoring on the break, and lengthy periods of defensive game management seems highly implausible. A speculative long shot even though my knowledge of the breadth and depth of quality in the Championship is largely unknown. I just don’t see a quick return to the top level in prospect without a significant boost to the squad’s resources over the remaining days of the transfer window.

It is never ideal to leave most of your transfer business until after the season has started but it is a habit that has proven hard to break. The players yet to leave may be just as important as the new recruits as the club endeavours to manage its shaky finance, comply with the new squad ratio rules and buy a new drive belt for the broken fax machine. As a minimum, I expect we are hoping to offload the attitudes and costs of all three of Todibo, AWB and Fullkrug before the end of the month. Incomings must then address the most pressing gaps in what remains a dangerously sketchy squad.

My simple view when assessing players is that they must primarily be competent in fulfilling the basic purpose of their role. It’s no use being the greatest keeper with the ball at your feet if your handling is weak and you cannot dominate the area. Futile being a ball playing centre half or marauding full back if you don’t have the bravery or positional nous to the fundamental defensive duties. Pointless running around all day, huffing and puffing as a forward if you’re not scoring goals or providing assists. Sadly, we fall down in so many positions. Astute prioritisation and a process of make do and mend will be of over-riding importance.

If it was my decision, creative midfield and wide left would top the list followed by striker and centre back reinforcements. Hopefully, each of these can be satisfied even if it means some are loans from Premier League clubs.

We should forget to mention that there were some decent performances on Saturday. Taty and Jarrod Bowen showed they are sure to score goals at this level – and plenty of them given the right service. KWP did well and we saw flashes (but not the whole of the moon) from Lewis Orford and Mo Kante. I’d hope to see more of the latter pair but doubt they can yet be relied upon to carry the midfield through a gruelling 46 match season.

Listening to Nuno speak, I often detect an air of Master Po’s eastern mysticism in his persona. It would be entertaining and just as informative if he injected a hint of far-eastern philosophical nonsense into his press conferences. Reporter: “Jacob Waffle, Stratford Examiner, will you continue with the same ultra-cautious approach to games in the Championship that we saw last year in the Premier League?” Nuno: “Seek not to know the answers, but to understand the questions, Grasshopper”.

It’s worth a try and would make about as much sense as the usual answers. COYI!

One Nil To The VARsenal: Two Tier Refereeing May Finally Have Relegated West Ham

A spirited Hammer’s performance is to no avail as a zombie strike and the dark arts of Arsenal and VAR strip them of a point in the dying minutes of Sunday’s London Stadium clash

Football was once such a simple game. It was simplicity that defined its beauty and popularity. Sure, the laws of the game have always been a matter of subjective interpretation, but refereeing gaffes were mostly forgotten by the time it took to reach the platform at Upton Park station. Then came the big money, the detailed media scrutiny, the game’s tactical and physical overload, the PGMOL and its cadre of celebrity refs. What a mighty mess it has become.

As a supporter holding varying opinions are part of the game’s appeal. If you think Tomas Soucek is the beating heart of West Ham and I think he is a liability most of the time, it really makes no odds. But when it comes to officiating erratic variation is unacceptable. We need consistency and fairness without fear nor favour. Infringements to treated equally no matter where on the pitch they occur. We shouldn’t need to worry about elapsed time when one player is holding another’s shirt, all shirt pulling should be penalised. If it was, it would soon stop. As would grappling at corners. As would players cheating by diving in the area. Or players getting away with constantly complaining to the referee provided they wave no imaginary cards.

Threats to clamp down on cheating have a long history but other than sending off Manuel Lanzini, nothing has ever come of it. Any coincidence that it is the ‘elite’ clubs who are most enamoured with the game’s dark arts? Do they have a Dark Arts coach?

If a spy had been sent along the Arsenal training ground, I’m certain they would have returned with tales of Arteta holding diving and squealing drills. Everyone knows they do it, yet a supposedly experienced referee in Chris Kavanagh bought the con all afternoon – like a gullible toddler falling for a three-card trick. But such naivety collapsed into insignificance compared to the added time VAR imbroglio that would sour the outcome.

I predicted in last week’s article that Nuno would resort to three centre backs for this game and that is exactly what happened. Jean-Clair Todibo coming in and Pablo dropping to the bench. Aaron Wan-Bissaka was also favoured over Kyle Walker-Peters.

The Hammers started cautiously and showed little enterprise in the opening exchanges. But following a flurry of early scares and scrambles, they settled down to contain Arsenal relatively comfortably. For a team leading the table the Gunners had little invention until Odegaard was introduced. Set pieces being the greatest danger to the West Ham goal. Arteta’s weird decision to react to White’s injury by moving Rice to full back offered the Hammer’s encouragement, and the half ended with a long range Taty header well saved by Raya.

For once, Nuno’s men were quick to shake off their half-time slumbers and managed to stifle what attacking threat the visitors could muster – mainly Saka shooting over the bar. The game’s first major turning point came in the 78th minute when Mateus Fernandes wriggled clear in the six-yard box and rather than aim for the wide-open spaces at the goal’s far corner shot tamely against the keeper’s legs. An xG of 110% if I’ve ever seen one!  

Five minutes later and Arsenal were one up. There is very little to admire when watching Arteta’s Arsenal – unless ruthless, underhand efficiency is your entertainment of choice. And high on the list of unlikeables is Leandro Trossard, a player who would be at home as an extra on the Walking Dead – there must be some zombie genes in there somewhere. True to form though, having spent the entire afternoon griping and bellyaching to all and sundry he pops up with the decisive goal.

But the games true drama was yet to come. Nuno’s last throw of the dice was the belated arrival of supersub Callum Wilson. Immediately, he was presented with a good shooting opportunity, blocked on the line. Then moments later he fired home what should have been a vital equaliser. The stadium erupted. A fiesta of joyous screaming, yelling, shouting, jumping and dancing. It may not have been enough to save the season, but it was just reward for the spirit and attitude demonstrated by the players.

But the cancer of VAR had other ideas. Let’s face it, once the check started we all knew the outcome would be inevitble. Clear and obvious be blowed. This was a decision of expedience. What conclusion would generate the minimum fallout. Darren England took and age, umming and ahhing before evading all responsibility with a hospital pass back to the referee. Kavanagh stood in a trance watching the same clip 17 times before reaching his self-interest conclusion. After review, I have decided which side my bread is buttered and find for the prosecution.

All season, there have been complaints about the grappling and wrestling at corners pioneered by Arsenal. It has been the source of many goals for them, and they may well hold a patent on it. As the corner came in there were bodies flying and colliding everywhere. Rice was manhandling Mavropanos, Trossard had his arms around Pablo, yet Pablo’s coming together with Raya was the only incident deemed worthy of review. Why no penalty check?

We know from experience that if you watch the same clip over and over again, from different angles, and in slow motion, it will start to look dodgy. The reason so many pundits were convinced of Paqueta’s guilt in the Betway betting fiasco.

Again, the inconsistency of VAR was to the fore. A review that took so long to complete could not be classed as clear and obvious. And what of proximate cause? Had Trossard not been grappling Pablo, would his arm have gone anywhere near the advancing keeper?

Pablo must have dreamed of finally making such a decisive impact on a game – but not like this. As an aside, I’ve only recently discovered Pablo is the son of Brazilian footballer, Pena, a former teammate of Nuno at Porto. His signing, a modern-day equivalent of Moyes buying Jordan Hugill from his cash strapped Preston North End mates.

Who cannot see that the micro analysis of VAR has been terrible for fans and the spontaneity of the game? It’s concerning itself with incidents that were never an issue before its introduction. The only beneficiaries are the broadcasters given privileged access to the conversations that take place. Granting them talking points to liven up the underwhelming product that Premier League football often is. One further action interlude alongside scanning for celebrities in the crowd and endless action replays while the on-field action continues.

It quite amazing that the clubs were given the option to abandon VAR in the summer but decided (apart from Wolves) to vote against it.

The Hammer’s plight looks beyond desperate now – although that could change if Leeds do the decent thing and beat Tottenham tonight. As for the title, I would love it, love it, if Arsenal bottled it in the last two games – and then get thrashed in the Champions League final. COYI!

They Think It’s All Over: The Impending West Ham Apocalypse Looks Increasingly Certain

A double whammy of West Ham surrender and Tottenham victory leaves the Hammers on the precipice of relegation. What we see in the abyss is not a pretty sight.

The weekend results couldn’t really have gone any worse. We are left floundering like the hapless guest in the election special studio. The votes have been cast, the exit polls announced, your party has almost certainly lost but you are obliged to put on the bravest possible despite the inevitable outcome. Desperate soundbites about fighting on, giving it our best, still having hope. So many tears I’ve cried, so much pain inside, but it ain’t over ’til it’s over.

Some weeks ago, I had suggested that if West Ham were going to earn survival under their own steam, then the visits to Palace and Brentford would be critical games. Three or more points from those two matches should be the minimum return. The alternative was a reliance that our relegation rivals would perform even worse. Once the Palace game fizzled out into a lacklustre draw, Saturday’s trip to the Gtech Stadium took on even greater importance.

Not unexpectedly, Nuno named an unchanged side for the game. Why not? It had served him well enough in recent weeks even though quantifying its magic ingredient had been impossible to articulate. Had it just been a long run of good luck that had seen us rocket up the form table? In truth, we’d hardly taken any game by the scruff of the neck. And playing two consecutive halves of dominant front foot football in any fixture had proven equally elusive.

The Hammers looked nervy from the off. More mis-controls and misplaced passes than usual before finally settling down to a semblance of normality. An early opportunity for the Bees, an even better one for Pablo, before Brentford capitalised on indecisive defending at the far post to open the scoring.

The set-back prompted West Ham’s best spell of the game. Almost immediately, Taty hit the post, fluffed a good headed opportunity and later struck the post once again. There was a hearty cheer when Dinos headed powerfully home from a Diouf free-kick, but it was not to VAR’s liking. One ear and part of a shoulder were deemed to be offside at the point the lines were drawn. It is ridiculous that VAR looks at anything other than the position of the feet when drawing those offside lines.

There is an argument that with a little luck we could have been leading at the break. But that ignores the Damsgaard miss that followed the comical heading attempt by Hermansen, and the surprisingly weak finish by Thiago when put through on goal.

Any ideas of a storming comeback would be dashed early in the second half. Once again, the Hammers had left their resolve back in the dressing room and when Diouf’s stupid going to ground tackle gifted the Bees a penalty, it was effectively game over – notwithstanding Summerville making it a hattrick of woodwork interventions and the denial of two reasonable penalty shouts by referee Craig Pawson and Eddie (not so) Smart on VAR duty.  

Brentford have a no-nonsense side which has been assembled at minimal cost. It contains no prima-donnas, and every man is competent in the basics of the game – run, control and pass. The same cannot be said for our sorry mob. The Bees completed the misery by adding a third indicating that Nuno’s emperor’s new clothes formation had been well and truly found out. The limitations of players who are either too slow, tactically naïve or possess below par technical skills cannot punch above their weight forever. Once the weaknesses have been identified, exploiting them is relatively straightforward for any astute opposition coach.

Most will be familiar with Einsteins definition of insanity as “doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” Well, welcome to Nuno’s theory of game management. His substitutions were once again baffling in their timing and personnel – topped off by subjecting Pablo to a full 90 minutes’ worth of humiliation.

Week by week, I’ve been willing Pablo to cast off the no-goals-scored burden from his shoulders to reveal the true footballer underneath. But now I’m wondering whether he has ever played the game before. It would be no surprise to learn he is another long-lost cousin of George Weah. Could it be the ridiculous beard that’s slowing him down?

That early miss on Saturday summed him up perfectly. No pace, cumbersome, poor control and completely devoid of confidence.

I’m fully resigned to relegation now. It would be a huge shock if it doesn’t happen. The likelihood of further twists and turns in the relegation battle are as improbable as witnessing twists and turns by our players on the pitch. For them, sequences of sideways and backwards passing remain de rigueur.

It will be title-chasing Arsenal up next. The Hammers record against the Gunners is very poor. Four wins from the last 27 league games, with only one of those victories at home – thanks to Declan Rice’s only goal of the game in January 2019. It’s guaranteed that Nuno will go three at the back for this one and pin all his hopes on a miracle.

Should the inevitable happen, it will be my sixth West Ham relegation experience. The current state of the club suggests a far longer stint in the doldrums than we have seen before. A squad stripped of its remaining quality rattling around in the half-empty stadium bowl is not an appealing thought. What lies beneath is frightening.

The club are quick to put out Behind The Scenes videos on the rare occasion of a victory. A true behind the scenes look at West Ham would reveal little is going on behind the curtain. It’s all a façade. A club with no strategy, with sub-standard infrastructure and an amateurish approach to player recruitment. We can only look in awe at how well run clubs such as Bournemouth, Brentford, and Brighton are as they strive for European football on limited resources.

How will it be possible for West Ham to handle the massive turnover in personnel that relegation would trigger while avoiding the perils of a points deductions that non-compliance with the Championship’s PSR rules would bring. Leicester City, here we come!

As I see it, Mavropanos, Todibo, Diouf, Fernandes, Summerville, Bowen and possibly Soucek will all be sold to balance the books. Disasi will return to his parent club. And Taty and Wan-Bissaka will be drafting their come-and-get-me pleas as we speak. It leaves a squad built around Kilman, Pablo, a handful of youngsters and anyone else who cannot be profitably unloaded (the return of Alvarez, JWP & Fulkrug perhaps?). What a dismal thought.

Your cut out and keep guide to the grand West Ham everything must go 2026 fire sale is shown below.

What a mess. I never felt more like singing the (claret and) blues. COYI!

Super Callum, Tom’s Fantastic, VAR’s Audacious

Late drama at the London Stadium and Molineux plus VAR controversy made it Saturday 3PM kick-off to remember as West Ham overcome David Moyes’ Everton to boost hopes of survival.

In the end it was an inconclusive set of weekend results as far as the relegation stakes were concerned. With three of the runners carving out victories, it is as you were but with one fewer round of games to play. And no clearer indication of who will claim the final drop spot.

Internet speculation suggests that wins for West Ham and Tottenham have dragged Forest, Leeds (and even Newcastle) back into the frame. But this feels no more than an extravagant talking point to me. Newcastle already have sufficient points (and goal difference) in the bag to keep them up. Leeds enough easy games – including trips to Tottenham and West Ham – to pick up the point or two required. While a Forest side with nine goals in their last two matches are highly unlikely relegation fodder.

What that leaves, of course, is the impending theatrical showdown between ourselves and the long-standing arch-rivals and nemesis from north London, Tottenham Hotspur. Good versus evil. Light versus dark. Right versus wrong. Jam versus clotted cream first on a tea-time scone.

In theory, destiny remains in our own hands. Win all the remaining games or out-point Tottenham and it will be them rather than us with the largest stadium rattling around in the Championship. But relegation battles rarely work out that easily. A slip here, a lucky break there, a bad injury, a Pablo goal, a bout of nerves, under committed opponents, and poor officiating. All are potential unscripted game changers.

As expected, Nuno opted for the same personnel and formation that has served him well since the January transfer window. This meant starting berths once again for the enigmatic pairing of Taty and Pablo. They move in mysterious, unconvincing ways but somehow it get results. No-one quite knows why, how or what purpose they serve other than their presence makes a difference. A little like your appendix or tonsils.

Incredibly, since being robbed blind by incompetent VAR officials in the home fixture with Forest, West Ham have accumulated 22 points from 13 games. Extrapolated to a full season this would equate to 64 points and possible European qualification. Not bad for a team of misfits – even if they are misfits with an exemplary team spirit.

The first half at the London Stadium was as cagey as they come. Perhaps no surprise with two managers who would consider a bouncy castle as the epitome of an extreme sport. A couple of quick Everton breaks which Barry was always going to miss. An enterprising Hammers attack, a teasing Jarrod Bowen cross, but with no Callum Wilson on the pitch to finish it off. That was as good as it got.

The second period started much brighter and with greater intensity from the home side. Within five minutes they had taken the lead. A characteristic high lunge assault on Taty by England’s Number One warranted no more than the award of a corner. Everton’s relief was short-lived, however, as Tomas Soucek rose above everyone else to glance home Bowen’s kick.

I’m generally conflicted by the value Big Tom brings to the team. How his limitations in open play balance out against his aerial contributions in either box, and his overall impeccable attitude. Right now, there is no-one better and the same rationale applies as it does to the inclusion of Taty and Pablo. Don’t fix what isn’t broken. Yet this was to be Tom’s special day. Even more satisfying than the most delicious potato salad as he followed up his opening goal with two superb clearances that looked certain equalisers

For a brief period after the goal it looked as if West Ham would press forward in search of a second goal. But it didn’t last for long. When Moyes made an uncommon early substitution, replacing a defender with a midfielder, the complexion of the game changed immediately. The Hammers dropped deeper and deeper. Nuno had nothing up his sleeve.

Everton sensed their opportunity. They were getting plenty of joy down their left-hand side where KWP struggled with the overload and the crosses rained in. The world and his wife knew an equaliser was on the cards, it was only a matter of time. Nuno eventually turned to his bench but never subscribes to the attack as the best form of defence philosophy. The extent of the game management was to pack the final third and hope for the best. It’s never worked in the past, but you never know your luck!

The tension grew. Tottenham had scored at Molineux. Around the stadium and in front of TV sets, knuckles were cracked, feet tapped, hands wrung, nails bitten, lips chewed, phones checked, teeth ground, and arms folded sternly. And then it happened. An Everton goal and West Ham were back into the bottom three. What a disaster!

Miraculously, the drama didn’t end there. West Ham did what they should have been doing all along and went back onto the front foot. The ball was worked across field to Malick Diouf. An excellent cross to the far post. An intelligent downward header back across goal by Bowen. The ball rolling in slow motion into the path of Callum Wilson. Right player at the right time. 2-1.   

Naturally, it wouldn’t have been a Premier League game without a few quirks and idiosyncrasies of VAR thrown in. In an era where there is an increasing arbitrariness to the decisions made by officials, it more often comes down to precedence and current practice than what is written down in the rule book. That’s why it was such a shock that the Fernandes ‘handball’ although unintentional was not given as a penalty. Yet Everton’s indignance could equally countered by the unpunished Pickford assault on Taty, and the blatant two-handed push by (the already booked) Garner on Axel Disasi. But with offences now only being offences in certain areas of the pitch, and subjective judgements routinely made on acceptable duration of a shirt pull, how long a challenge is deemed to carry on for, or the comparative force of any push, officiating is more lottery than understandable.

And where was the protection for Crysencio Summerville who was systematically fouled by a succession of Everton players throughout the game. Four Toffees finding their names in the referee’s book as a result.  

The whole relegation circus moves on to Brentford next weekend. The Bees have yet to play this weekend, but whatever happens at Old Trafford tonight they will still be in with a chance of European qualification. Everyone knows what to expect from their aerial bombardment and the keeper and defence need to be operating at peak concentration and bravery to keep them at bay. More importantly, Nuno must go there with victory rather than avoiding defeat at the front of his mind. It is an opportunity to put further daylight between us and the enemy who will be travelling to Aston Villa.

What might ultimately carry the Hammers through to safety is the outstanding spirit pulsing through the squad. It might make all the difference over the final few weeks. In the words of honorary cockney, Dick Van Dyke: “No where is there a more ‘appier crew, Than them wot sings, chim chim cher-ee, chim cher-oo.” COYI!