They Think It’s All Over: The Impending West Ham Apocalypse Looks Increasingly Certain

The weekend results couldn’t really have gone any worse. We are left floundering like the hapless guest in the election special studio. The votes have been cast, the exit polls announced, your party has almost certainly lost but you are obliged to put on the bravest possible despite the inevitable outcome. Desperate soundbites about fighting on, giving it our best, still having hope. So many tears I’ve cried, so much pain inside, but it ain’t over ’til it’s over.

Some weeks ago, I had suggested that if West Ham were going to earn survival under their own steam, then the visits to Palace and Brentford would be critical games. Three or more points from those two matches should be the minimum return. The alternative was a reliance that our relegation rivals would perform even worse. Once the Palace game fizzled out into a lacklustre draw, Saturday’s trip to the Gtech Stadium took on even greater importance.

Not unexpectedly, Nuno named an unchanged side for the game. Why not? It had served him well enough in recent weeks even though quantifying its magic ingredient had been impossible to articulate. Had it just been a long run of good luck that had seen us rocket up the form table? In truth, we’d hardly taken any game by the scruff of the neck. And playing two consecutive halves of dominant front foot football in any fixture had proven equally elusive.

The Hammers looked nervy from the off. More mis-controls and misplaced passes than usual before finally settling down to a semblance of normality. An early opportunity for the Bees, an even better one for Pablo, before Brentford capitalised on indecisive defending at the far post to open the scoring.

The set-back prompted West Ham’s best spell of the game. Almost immediately, Taty hit the post, fluffed a good headed opportunity and later struck the post once again. There was a hearty cheer when Dinos headed powerfully home from a Diouf free-kick, but it was not to VAR’s liking. One ear and part of a shoulder were deemed to be offside at the point the lines were drawn. It is ridiculous that VAR looks at anything other than the position of the feet when drawing those offside lines.

There is an argument that with a little luck we could have been leading at the break. But that ignores the Damsgaard miss that followed the comical heading attempt by Hermansen, and the surprisingly weak finish by Thiago when put through on goal.

Any ideas of a storming comeback would be dashed early in the second half. Once again, the Hammers had left their resolve back in the dressing room and when Diouf’s stupid going to ground tackle gifted the Bees a penalty, it was effectively game over – notwithstanding Summerville making it a hattrick of woodwork interventions and the denial of two reasonable penalty shouts by referee Craig Pawson and Eddie (not so) Smart on VAR duty.  

Brentford have a no-nonsense side which has been assembled at minimal cost. It contains no prima-donnas, and every man is competent in the basics of the game – run, control and pass. The same cannot be said for our sorry mob. The Bees completed the misery by adding a third indicating that Nuno’s emperor’s new clothes formation had been well and truly found out. The limitations of players who are either too slow, tactically naïve or possess below par technical skills cannot punch above their weight forever. Once the weaknesses have been identified, exploiting them is relatively straightforward for any astute opposition coach.

Most will be familiar with Einsteins definition of insanity as “doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” Well, welcome to Nuno’s theory of game management. His substitutions were once again baffling in their timing and personnel – topped off by subjecting Pablo to a full 90 minutes’ worth of humiliation.

Week by week, I’ve been willing Pablo to cast off the no-goals-scored burden from his shoulders to reveal the true footballer underneath. But now I’m wondering whether he has ever played the game before. It would be no surprise to learn he is another long-lost cousin of George Weah. Could it be the ridiculous beard that’s slowing him down?

That early miss on Saturday summed him up perfectly. No pace, cumbersome, poor control and completely devoid of confidence.

I’m fully resigned to relegation now. It would be a huge shock if it doesn’t happen. The likelihood of further twists and turns in the relegation battle are as improbable as witnessing twists and turns by our players on the pitch. For them, sequences of sideways and backwards passing remain de rigueur.

It will be title-chasing Arsenal up next. The Hammers record against the Gunners is very poor. Four wins from the last 27 league games, with only one of those victories at home – thanks to Declan Rice’s only goal of the game in January 2019. It’s guaranteed that Nuno will go three at the back for this one and pin all his hopes on a miracle.

Should the inevitable happen, it will be my sixth West Ham relegation experience. The current state of the club suggests a far longer stint in the doldrums than we have seen before. A squad stripped of its remaining quality rattling around in the half-empty stadium bowl is not an appealing thought. What lies beneath is frightening.

The club are quick to put out Behind The Scenes videos on the rare occasion of a victory. A true behind the scenes look at West Ham would reveal little is going on behind the curtain. It’s all a façade. A club with no strategy, with sub-standard infrastructure and an amateurish approach to player recruitment. We can only look in awe at how well run clubs such as Bournemouth, Brentford, and Brighton are as they strive for European football on limited resources.

How will it be possible for West Ham to handle the massive turnover in personnel that relegation would trigger while avoiding the perils of a points deductions that non-compliance with the Championship’s PSR rules would bring. Leicester City, here we come!

As I see it, Mavropanos, Todibo, Diouf, Fernandes, Summerville, Bowen and possibly Soucek will all be sold to balance the books. Disasi will return to his parent club. And Taty and Wan-Bissaka will be drafting their come-and-get-me pleas as we speak. It leaves a squad built around Kilman, Pablo, a handful of youngsters and anyone else who cannot be profitably unloaded (the return of Alvarez, JWP & Fulkrug perhaps?). What a dismal thought.

Your cut out and keep guide to the grand West Ham everything must go 2026 fire sale is shown below.

What a mess. I never felt more like singing the (claret and) blues. COYI!