The Gold and Sullivan Years in Numbers: An Era of Stagnation and Squandered Opportunity

We hope it’s all over. Running the numbers on an unenterprising, wasteful, self-aggrandising and shameful period in the history of West Ham United

It all started with low expectations, went mostly downhill, and ended in a slurry of sleaze and shady behaviour. With the Gold and Sullivan era hopefully gone forever, we look back on the numbers which define this wasteful and distasteful period of West Ham history.

16 – the number of seasons ‘competing’ in the topflight. The first match on 26 January 2010, a 1-1 draw away at Portsmouth leaving West Ham in 16th position. The last, a 3-0 home win on 24 May 2026 confirming the Hammer’s relegation with an 18th place finish.

2 – the number of Premier League relegations. One a consequence of their first disastrous managerial appointment in 2011. The other, the culmination of shocking mismanagement in the aftermath of the European Conference success and the transfer of Declan Rice.

6 – the number of top ten finishes (excluding the Championship year) out of 16 attempts. The highest was 6th place in 2020/21, a season which also set West Ham Premier League records for number of wins (19) and points gained (65).

633 – total number of league games played, of which 214 were won (33.8%) and 258 lost (40.7%). In the Premier League only, the 190 victories from 587 games (32.3%) were overshadowed by 250 defeats (42.6%). West Ham stand proud as holders of the record for all-time number of Premier League defeats.

13th – the average league finishing position throughout the Gold and Sullivan years. This is reflected in an average Premier League points tally of 45. As a club featuring regularly among the world’s top twenty richest – and one of the top 8 richest in England – these are far from impressive statistics.

3 – the number of topflight seasons when West Ham won more league games than they lost. And unsurprisingly, these are also the only seasons that ended with a positive goal difference. The seasons in question: 2015/16, 2020/21 and 2021/22.

9 – number of managers employed – technically, it is 10 if you count David Moyes twice. The entire rogue’s gallery comprises Gianfranco Zola, Avram Grant, Sam Allardyce, Slaven Bilic, David Moyes, Manuel Pellegrini, Julen Lopetegui, Graham Potter, and Nuno Espirito Santo. The strongest link in terms of Premier League win percentage is David Moyes (36.87%). The weakest was Avram Grant (18.92%). Anywhere between 45% and 55% is usually considered to be a strong managerial performance.

2.9 billion – the cumulative amount in pounds received in revenues over 17 seasons from broadcast, matchday and commercial sources. A club record of £270 million was posted in the 2024 accounts. It is estimated that relegation will cost the club at least £100 million in income next season.

1.34 billion – the amount paid in euros (sorry, all Transfermkt data is in euros) for player transfer fees. At today’s exchange rate that is £1.15 billion. In addition to the 92 players signed for a fee, there were 36 free transfers and 41 loans – a total of 169 players in all. The record signing was Sebastien Haller at €50 million with another 17 players costing €25 million or more. 

650 million– the amount received (€) for player transfers. West Ham sold 67 players and allowed 55 to leave on a free. The record sale was Declan Rice (€116 m) with only five other players sold for €25 million or more. The sale of Rio Ferdinand in 2000 continues to hold sixth place in the ranking of highest transfer fees received.

1.1 billion– the cumulative amount (£) paid in wages to achieve very little. The wage bill as well as transfer spend has increased significantly in recent years. All to assemble a squad fit for relegation.

16,711,118 – the number shuffling through the turnstiles at West Ham home matches, both at Upton Park and the London Stadium.

47,475 – the average home attendance (excluding COVID restricted games) across 352 matches – they keep turning up regardless. The average for games played at Upton Park was 32,836. At the London Stadium, 58,219. Attendance numbers have now become theoretical rather than actual body counts with the highest recorded attendances of 35,005 at Upton Park and 62,477 at the London Stadium.

214 – total number of players fielded by West Ham during first team games in all competitions. 81 of whom made fewer than 10 starts for the club.

426 – the highest number of appearances made by an individual player during the GSB era – Mark Noble. Next best is Aaron Cresswell at 369 with the following each breaking the 200 barrier: Michail Antonio (323), Tomas Soucek (284), Jarrod Bowen (280), Angelo Ogbonna (249), Declan Rice (245), Manuel Lanzini (226), Winston Reid (222), James Tomkins (205) and Pablo Fornals (203).

85 – the most goals scored by an individual player in all competitions – the ever-reliable Bowen. Antonio is next with 83 and he remains the club’s all-time leading Premier League goalscorer (68 to Bowen’s 65.) Just 5 other players managed 20 or more Premier League goals to their name. These are Soucek (41), Noble (37), Andy Carroll (33), Lanzini (27), and Marko Arnautovic (21). The frequently injured Carroll is the only player brought in as an out and out striker to feature on the list.

16 – most league goals scored in a season by an individual player – Bowen in 2023/24. Second place with 14 goes to Carlton Cole in the 2011/12 Championship season. West Ham players have reached double figures on just eight other occasions in the Premier League: Bowen (13) in 2024/25, Bowen (12) in 2021/22, Arnautovic (11) in 2017/18, Antonio (10) in 2019/20, Antonio & Soucek (10) in 2020/21, Diafra Sakho (10) in 2014/15 and Kevin Nolan (10) in 2012/13.

1069– the total number of goals scored by West Ham (1.39 per game) in all competitions. Goals conceded totalled 1083 (1.41 per game). For league games only, the numbers are 849 for (1.34 per game) and 952 against (1.50 per game).

8 – the most goals scored by West Ham in a single game – the 8-0 win against Macclesfield in the 2018/19 League Cup. The biggest league win was 6-0 in the Championship against Brighton (2011/12). Although West Ham scored 5 on 4 occasions in cup competitions, they were unable to repeat that feat in the Premier League. Ironically, the last 5 goal haul came just before the takeover – a 5-3 win over Burnley in November 2009. The Hammers bagged 4 on 30 separateoccasions, 20 times in topflight games.

6 – most goals conceded in a single match – once in a 6-0 league cup semi, first leg defeat by Manchester City in 2014, and again in the league versus Arsenal in 2024.  The West Ham rearguard conceded 5 goals on 12 occasions and 4 goals 33 times.

8 – highest aggregate score in a West Ham game – the 8-0 win against Macclesfield. There were 7 games featuring 7 goals – 4-3 wins against Huddersfield and Portsmouth, 2-5 losses to Liverpool and Arsenal, and 3-4 defeats to Bournemouth, Palace and Newcastle.

139 – the number of West Ham clean sheets earned in Premier League games (23.6% of games played)

161 – the number of Premier League games in which the Hammers failed to score (27.4%)

35 – the total number of goalless games featuring West Ham (5.9%). Goalless draws peaked during the Sam Allardyce years, accounting for 40% of the total.

13 – the number of players to win the Hammer of The Year Award. Declan Rice has three wins, Scott Parker and Mark Noble two, Winston Reid, Aaron Cresswell, Dimitri Payet, Michail Antonio, Marko Arnautovic, Lukasz Fabianski, Tomas Soucek, Jarrod Bowen, Aaron Wan-Bissaka, and Konstantinos Mavropanos one each.

1 – the number of trophies won. That night in Prague and victory over Fiorentina in the Europa Conference League. A victory that the owners hoped to dine on for eternity. West Ham competed in five European campaigns. Two under Slaven Bilic where they were eliminated in the qualifying rounds and three under David Moyes. As well as the Conference win, the Moyes campaigns saw one semi-final and one quarter-final Europa League appearance, losing both to German opposition.

0 – the number of domestic trophies won or finals reached. In the FA Cup, the best efforts were quarter-final exits in 2011, 2016 and 2026. In the League Cup, the Hammers were losing semi-finalists in 2011 and 2014 and were knocked out in the quarter finals four times. Ironically, the best performing cup year was the Avram Grant relegation season.

0 – the number of people disappointed at seeing the back of David Sullivan

Czech Mate: Knight Takes Porn To Capture Control Of West Ham Board

Optimism reigns as Daniel Kretinsky rides to the rescue at the London Stadium. Should we be excited and what is needed to recover from the shortcomings of the last 16 years?

Never in the field of humiliating relegations has despair turned to optimism quite as quickly as it has at West Ham in recent days. First the welcome and overdue resignation of Chairman David Sullivan ahead of the Panorama revelations. And then the news that Daniel Kretinsky is to purchase a chunk of the Gold family shares to make himself the Hammer’s largest stakeholder. Cue an old-fashioned east-end knees up!

Since then, the rumour mill has gone into overdrive with a deluge of plans and proposals (both real and imaginery) that would make West Ham great again. New investment to clear debts, dampening down the fire sale, sorting out the unlovable stadium and developing a fit-for-purpose training facility are just a few of them. Turns out our saviour was hiding in plain sight all along. Just waiting for the asset to get distressed enough to ride to the rescue in his trademark style.

It is a reasonable question to ask what Kretinsky has been doing these past five years. Had he been thwarted in attempts to modernise the club by the intransigent Sullivan/ Gold alliance? Or was it always his intention to take a watching brief from afar and await the collapse? After all, in the most recent accounts he was not even listed as a director. Still, he has been making all the right noises in the media, and we owe him the benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise. Time will tell whether he can follow through on the promises or whether the good intentions end up as another piece of nostalgic memorabilia alongside the Gold and Sullivan 10-point pledge?

As I had written previously, if the plan had been to use funds from player sales to pay off the transfer debt to other clubs and to clear the expensive loans that had been taken out, then West Ham were in deep trouble. In that sense, the message that additional investment would be forthcoming (however that is achieved) is as crucial as it is welcome.

Player sales are still be inevitable to comply with the 85% squad cost ratio rules in light of the estimated £100 million hit on revenues that relegation brings. But the impact needn’t be so great if the club’s cash flow problems are ameliorated. It also strengthens the club’s negotiating position for the transfer of those unwilling to spend at least one season in the lower tier. I would be mightily surprised if any of Fernandes, Summerville, Todibo, Diouf, Wan-Bissaka, Areola, Alvarez, and Fullkrug were still around in August. There may also be others who want to leave, or the club would prefer to have off the payroll.

The objective will be to shift the bigger names for as high a price (and as high a profit) as possible. Play hard ball and the more competition for signatures the better. The bigger the player trading profit, the more that can be reinvested in rebuilding.

The flipside of the expected exodus is the size of the rebuild. The challenge to assemble a squad not only capable of battling their way to promotion but also forming the backbone on the return to the Premier League. West Ham have been notoriously poor at player trading for as long as I can remember – would you believe that the sale of Rio Ferdinand 26 years ago is still seventh in the list of the club’s record transfers out – and requires immediate attention. The rumoured appointment of Steve Nickson (from Newcastle) as Director of Football/ Technical Director sounds like a very positive move. His up-to-date knowledge and expertise would allow him to hit the ground the running in the current transfer window. The turnaround in personnel will be huge and I’m nowhere near as bullish as some on the value our youth players can offer.

The thorny issue (for anyone taking up the DoF role) will be Nuno and his historically over-cosy relationship with friend and super-agent Jorge Mendes. The impression I have of the manager is that he is churlish enough to refuse to play a signing simply because he was not involved in the recruitment process. The DoF/ manager relationship is critical to a successful window and a quick return to the top tier.

One area where Kretinsky’s business empire could come in handy is getting in on the associated party action when securing lucrative sponsorship deals. If it’s good enough for Manchester City!  I’m visualising Royal Mail as our shirt sponsor. First Class Mail for the faster players. Second Class for the rest!  

No doubt, Kretinsky’s immediate priorities will be to sort out the finances and oversee the extensive transfer business over the coming months. Improving the stadium and training facilities are both much longer term projects. The stadium is saddled with so many vested interests and reputations that it is difficult to see a clear way forward for now. That the current arrangement really doesn’t suit anyone should, however, be motivation enough to act.

As for the training ground, could the writing be on the wall for the Rush Green Portakabin village and its satellites? A consolidated location has long been needed to bring the facilities up to contemporary standards and to foster continuity from youth to senior football. It will probably mean a move out of Greater London into the estuarine hinterlands of Essex but so be it. In the Czech tradition, maybe land is available at Bataville in east Tilbury. And the ‘Academy of Football’ really deserves a campus, not just a training ground!

The mention of churlishness earlier, reminds us that David Sullivan is not entirely out of the picture as yet. His days of calling the shots on operational matters may be well and truly over but until he sells up, he remains a significant shareholder. And the support of all large shareholders is required for any major restructuring decisions the club may need. How will he react to the impotency of his behind-the-scenes exile? Will he go gently into the night, tail between his legs? Or linger stubbornly like that bad smell when a mate has been sick in the backseat of your Cortina.

The last thing Kretinsky needs is Sullivan as an obstacle as he plots his next moves. One night in Stratford makes a hard man humble, not much between despair and ecstasy. COYI!

Sundry Sport Exclusive: Former West Ham Chairman Probed By Aliens

In a parallel universe.

The scene is a tacky Essex mansion at the start of a new season. Karen Brady reclines on a four-poster waterbed reading the latest Jackie Collins novel as David Sullivan emerges from the bathroom wearing only a Cossack shower cap.

All seems well with the world. The pain, anguish and humiliation of the previous season had never happened. There had been no relegation, no impending fire sale, no executive resignations, and no TV exposés. Graham Potter had tippy-tappyed his team to surprise European qualification, Niclas Fullkrug was up for the golden boot – and Bobby Ewing was still alive. It had all been a bad dream, just like in Dallas.

Back to life, back to reality!

The sudden resignation of David Sullivan from his executive positions at West Ham last Saturday was met with spontaneous, universal and unbridled joy across the West Hammersphere. Prayers had finally been answered; the despised Chairman was no more. As one astute commentator put it: “they’ll be dancing in the streets of the Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park tonight.”

The Panorama documentary was probably not as revealing as many had hoped. Not helped by its short length, early evening slot, parts played by actors, and that we were already familiar with much of the sleaze involved. Reading the accounts of the accusers in The Times were far more harrowing. The damage for Sullivan is more that it may prompt others to come forward with further allegations from his sordid past.

At least there was enough in the broadcast to close the door on any idea Sullivan may have had about a return to the boardroom. We are well rid of him.

But like everything at West Ham, as one door opens another slams rudely in your face. Sullivan may have stepped away from executive involvement and the day to day running of the club but, for now, remains the largest single shareholder. Not surprisingly, speculation is rife as to what might happen next. Will Sullivan choose to sell? Will he be forced out by the football regulator? Will Kretinski want to assume greater control? Is someone else waiting in the wings in the hope of picking up what has become a distressed asset?

It will be a pivotal summer for West Ham’s future as they scramble to sort out finances, cash flows, compliance with squad cost ratios (from vastly reduced revenues) – and to assemble a squad capable of returning to the Premier League at first time of asking. Not the best time for the club’s ownership to be in limbo.

The previously proposed sale of Gold Family holdings giving Sullivan and Kretinski equal stakes at 40% was never finalised in the light of relegation. Had it happened, the changes to individuals with significant control would have required notification to Companies House – and would be available to see.

So, as things stand, we are left with the original fragmented ownership structure of Sullivan (38.8%), Kretinski (27%), Gold Family (25.1%), Tripp Smith (8%) and Others (1.1%).  Sullivan, like anyone else with a 25% plus stake, is able to veto any resolutions which impact the club’s constitution, share capital, mergers and acquisitions etc. At worst, he can continue to mess things up behind the scenes. At best, he needs to support whatever way forward is proposed.

Further, Sullivan’s appointees (currently his two sons) sit on the board and are able to contribute to decisions on operational matters on his behalf.

In theory, the Independent Football Regulator could order Sullivan to sell his holding, but this is likely to be used as a last resort. As odious an individual as he is, does he really stand out from the crowd when it comes to fit and proper ownership in modern football?

Far better that the ownership is resolved internally. Indeed, a clean sweep purging all Golds and Sullivans from the club would be the ideal scenario. It is difficult to believe that either of Sullivan’s sons would want to spend too much time in the media spotlight given a likely ongoing investigation, and with a mother who is best known as director of ‘Horny Housewives on the Job.’ And the Gold family are only in there by default.

Kretinski has been making all the right noises so far, but it is not known what appetite he has for greater investment. It is understood the put-and-call option negotiated in 2021 is still on the table, but the originally agreed price may no longer be attractive to him.

A third party – Amanda Staveley, Daniel Levy, predatory US venture capital, a Tony Cottee consortium – buying up all the Gold & Sullivan shares would give them majority control although Kretinski would need to approve any such a move.

While all this is going on, a question mark remains over who is at the wheel to oversee the summer clear out and rebuild. Someone needs to drag West Ham’s operational structure, finances, recruitment and coaching into the 21st century. And a cool head is needed to turn to the so-called ‘Fire Sale’ into an effective rebuilding fund – refusing to blink when the big clubs come knocking. And to recruit not only for the Championship but with an eye to the future beyond?

It’s going to be a cold, lonely summer. COYI!

Sifting Through The Wreckage Of West Ham’s Relegation: What Happens Next?

The pride, vanity, stupidity and arrogance of David Sullivan’s leadership was an accident waiting to happen. Now we must rely on the same fools to sort it out again.

The long and painful slow motion car crash which heralded West Ham’s inevitable relegation finally reached its climax at the weekend. A late show of industry but no last minute dramatic escape. Now they are over the edge how far will they fall? A safe landing? Or crashing and burning into the abyss below?

Media coverage of West Ham’s plight has seen assorted journos belatedly understand what fans have known for years. That the fault of the Hammer’s demise lies fairly and squarely in the boardroom. A club run for the self-aggrandisement and vanity of incompetent owners who had always considered themselves as benevolent saviours. Forget the broken promises and the ten-point pledges that were not worth the paper they were written. It was only ever about their own egos – amateur interference and arrogant meddling in a sport that ought to be run by professionals.

Perhaps you could get away with running a club as a hobby in the past when promoted clubs regularly struggled to make the step up to the Premier League. But that has all changed. The game has changed. Data analytics, extensive scouting netwroks, player trading strategies, organisation, planning and a reliance on pace and athleticism on the pitch have been universally embraced – except at West Ham who have plodded along from one short-sighted season to the next.

Post relegation media reports have also homed in on the Hammer’s decline since the 2023 European Conference success, but the rot had set in well before then. Instead, the high-water mark was the surprise sixth-place finish in 2020/21, and it was the failure to refresh and build on that success which started the fire. The departure of Declan Rice and wasting the proceeds on a string of erratic recruits was the accelerant.

West Ham are now on their fourth manager in a little over three years. I was expecting it to be five, but it seems the Czech Sphinx has pulled rank to provide Nuno with a stay of execution. Nuno’s haul of 36 points from 33 games is hardly impressive while strange selections and tactics, multiple points lost from winning positions, and puzzling game management strategies have frequently left us scratching our heads. Still, compared to the other names being bandied about (Parker, Bilic, Dyche) sticking with the devil you know might not be such a bad idea. Only time will tell.

It has not been sacking managers that is the root of the club’s problem but making poor hiring decisions in the first place. The sole criteria for appointment being out of work and available. In the absence of any footballing expertise or competent direction from the boardroom this approach has proven a recipe for chaos. A squad assembled by a succession of drive-by managers, a lame-duck technical director and a meddling know-it-all Chairman. Who could have thought such lack of cohesion and continuity would end in disaster?

Now we are being led to believe the same fools who got us into this mess are the ones capable of getting us out of it again. If the player exodus is anywhere near as extensive as predicted, how on earth does a club with such an abysmal transfer record put together a squad capable of promotion over the long and arduous season ahead.

Understandably, a lot of focus in the wake of relegation has turned to the fragile state of West Ham’s finances. But we should remember that there are two separate views of finance in football. The club’s ability to comply with prevailing league rules such as PSR and SCR is one. The club’s debt and cash flow position is the other. A cynic might say that club owners conveniently conflate the two as a means of hoodwinking fans.

It will come as no surprise that the West Ham board have made a right pig’s ear of both. When it comes to cash flow, the club has extensive transfer debt, expensive financial debt and has factored future transfers receivable at a discount to pay yesterday’s bills. Attempting to address these through revenues and transfers looks like a distressing prospect. The hope is that the owners will break the habit of a lifetime and inject further capital to stabilise the debt burden.

West Ham’s financial year closes on 31 May and plans must now be put in place to comply with the Championship’s 85% Squad Cost Ratio rules based on much reduced revenues for the coming year. My rough back of a beer mat calculations predicts a loss of around £60 million in the current year on revenues of £225 million plus a raft of transfers out. This should be well within the retiring PSR limits thanks largely to the continuing impact of the Rice sale in 2023.

For 2026/27 revenues will probably fall to around £125 million. Squad costs (salaries and player amortisation) are currently circa £245 million but may reduce by £50 or £60 millions depending on how widespread relegation clauses are applied in existing contracts. But this still exceeds SCR limits and player sales are going to be necessary. This is where things become interesting as individual sales have varying impacts in three separate areas: a saving in wages, a reduction in amortisation, and profit or loss on player trading depending on whether a player is sold above or below book value. Profits from player trading are added to revenues for the purposes of SCR. Claims that West Ham must make £150 million in player sales might be valid as a cash flow mitigation but for SCR no two transfers are alike.

As the following table illustrates, this produces many possible permutations. For example, selling Bowen for £50 million would generate a significant wage saving, have little or no amortisation impact but the whole fee can be booked as player trading profit. In contrast, selling Fernandes for £50 million provides a lower wage savings, a significant amortisation reduction, but only £20 million of player sale profit.

At the other end of the scale, it might prove impossible to offload players such as Kilman and Fullkrug without taking an unwanted hit on player sales. I don’t see anyway it makes sense to cancel player contracts early.

The Championship moving from PSR to SCR does seem to offer a glimmer of hope. But that still requires the owners to do the decent thing and inject much needed capital into the club. The club also need to hold their nerve and not sell players on the cheap just to get funds through the door. We will watch this space. COYI!

Two Games to Go: West Ham’s Survival Equation

With only two matches remaining, West Ham’s Premier League survival bid has reached its simplest and most uncomfortable form. There are no longer scenarios to project deep into the future, no room for recalibration, and no benefit in revisiting earlier turning points. What matters now is what can still be done, and whether this squad is capable of doing it.

At this stage of the season, survival ceases to be about long‑term trends and becomes a test of short‑term execution. Form over months counts for little. Tactics, mentality, and decision‑making under pressure count for everything. West Ham’s position reflects a season defined by inconsistency, fragility, and missed opportunities, but it does not yet render survival impossible.

The case for West Ham staying up rests on moments rather than momentum. We are not a team carrying a sustained run of results into the final fortnight, but neither are we a team that is completely detached from the fight. On the whole the performances in 2026 have been good enough for a reasonable league position but we were perhaps too far behind to realistically stay up with any comfort or perhaps stay up at all. At times performances have fluctuated (Brentford), but certainly in the last four months we have not collapsed entirely. That distinction matters. Teams that go down early often look beaten well before mathematics confirm it. West Ham, for all our faults, are still competing to the end.

Whether that proves enough depends partly on what we do, but also what Tottenham do. With two games to go, the deficit is two points. Added to that we have an inferior goal difference. If Tottenham win both of their games we are down, if they win one and draw one we are down. Both scenarios mean that we are relegated whatever we do. If Tottenham win one and lose one we need to win both of our games to survive. If they draw both of them we still need to win twice to remain a Premier League side. Even if they draw one and lose the other we still need a win and a draw. And if they lose twice we still need to win one of our remaining two games. Basically we have to collect three more points than them to stay up. We cannot shape events entirely on our own terms.

It’s FA Cup Final weekend. We’ve got two of them! Of the two contenders for the third relegation spot we play first at the strange time of 5.30 on Sunday evening. And despite Newcastle’s indifferent season this is not the easiest of games. If, and it’s a big if, we can somehow pull off a win in the North-East then we could perhaps have a psychological edge. We would climb out of the bottom three at least until Tottenham go to West London to face a Chelsea team who have been poor for the latter part of the season. Chelsea, who at one time were destined to challenge for a Champions League place, now sit ninth in the table and have collected just one point in their last seven games, the worst record in the whole division, and they have only scored two goals in those games. If only they had faced Chelsea earlier in the season when they were playing well! We can only hope that a London Derby with no love lost between them can inspire the West Londoners.

So it hardly looks promising, does it? The only scenario where we go into the final game with it in our own hands is a West Ham win in the North-East and a Tottenham defeat in West London. We would both then face home fixtures; we entertain Leeds while Tottenham face Everton. I’d rather have our fixture than theirs, but both games would be tense and nervy if relegation is still undecided by then.

Home fixtures take on a different character at this point. Crowd involvement can distort expectation, and force matches into uncomfortable territories. The London Stadium has seen this dynamic work both for and against West Ham in recent seasons. But ask me now and I’d take this position without hesitation. In fact, I’d take going into the last game with something still to play for even if we weren’t in the driving seat. To have taken it this far seemed unlikely if we think back to January when we were seven points adrift.

Ultimately, West Ham’s chances of staying up are very narrow. Defeat in Newcastle would leave Tottenham needing just a point from their final two games. That must be avoided at all costs if we are to have any hope. But for the moment another Great Escape is still a possibility, however remote, and that’s all we can cling to. If we fail, the postmortem can begin.

One Nil To The VARsenal: Two Tier Refereeing May Finally Have Relegated West Ham

A spirited Hammer’s performance is to no avail as a zombie strike and the dark arts of Arsenal and VAR strip them of a point in the dying minutes of Sunday’s London Stadium clash

Football was once such a simple game. It was simplicity that defined its beauty and popularity. Sure, the laws of the game have always been a matter of subjective interpretation, but refereeing gaffes were mostly forgotten by the time it took to reach the platform at Upton Park station. Then came the big money, the detailed media scrutiny, the game’s tactical and physical overload, the PGMOL and its cadre of celebrity refs. What a mighty mess it has become.

As a supporter holding varying opinions are part of the game’s appeal. If you think Tomas Soucek is the beating heart of West Ham and I think he is a liability most of the time, it really makes no odds. But when it comes to officiating erratic variation is unacceptable. We need consistency and fairness without fear nor favour. Infringements to treated equally no matter where on the pitch they occur. We shouldn’t need to worry about elapsed time when one player is holding another’s shirt, all shirt pulling should be penalised. If it was, it would soon stop. As would grappling at corners. As would players cheating by diving in the area. Or players getting away with constantly complaining to the referee provided they wave no imaginary cards.

Threats to clamp down on cheating have a long history but other than sending off Manuel Lanzini, nothing has ever come of it. Any coincidence that it is the ‘elite’ clubs who are most enamoured with the game’s dark arts? Do they have a Dark Arts coach?

If a spy had been sent along the Arsenal training ground, I’m certain they would have returned with tales of Arteta holding diving and squealing drills. Everyone knows they do it, yet a supposedly experienced referee in Chris Kavanagh bought the con all afternoon – like a gullible toddler falling for a three-card trick. But such naivety collapsed into insignificance compared to the added time VAR imbroglio that would sour the outcome.

I predicted in last week’s article that Nuno would resort to three centre backs for this game and that is exactly what happened. Jean-Clair Todibo coming in and Pablo dropping to the bench. Aaron Wan-Bissaka was also favoured over Kyle Walker-Peters.

The Hammers started cautiously and showed little enterprise in the opening exchanges. But following a flurry of early scares and scrambles, they settled down to contain Arsenal relatively comfortably. For a team leading the table the Gunners had little invention until Odegaard was introduced. Set pieces being the greatest danger to the West Ham goal. Arteta’s weird decision to react to White’s injury by moving Rice to full back offered the Hammer’s encouragement, and the half ended with a long range Taty header well saved by Raya.

For once, Nuno’s men were quick to shake off their half-time slumbers and managed to stifle what attacking threat the visitors could muster – mainly Saka shooting over the bar. The game’s first major turning point came in the 78th minute when Mateus Fernandes wriggled clear in the six-yard box and rather than aim for the wide-open spaces at the goal’s far corner shot tamely against the keeper’s legs. An xG of 110% if I’ve ever seen one!  

Five minutes later and Arsenal were one up. There is very little to admire when watching Arteta’s Arsenal – unless ruthless, underhand efficiency is your entertainment of choice. And high on the list of unlikeables is Leandro Trossard, a player who would be at home as an extra on the Walking Dead – there must be some zombie genes in there somewhere. True to form though, having spent the entire afternoon griping and bellyaching to all and sundry he pops up with the decisive goal.

But the games true drama was yet to come. Nuno’s last throw of the dice was the belated arrival of supersub Callum Wilson. Immediately, he was presented with a good shooting opportunity, blocked on the line. Then moments later he fired home what should have been a vital equaliser. The stadium erupted. A fiesta of joyous screaming, yelling, shouting, jumping and dancing. It may not have been enough to save the season, but it was just reward for the spirit and attitude demonstrated by the players.

But the cancer of VAR had other ideas. Let’s face it, once the check started we all knew the outcome would be inevitble. Clear and obvious be blowed. This was a decision of expedience. What conclusion would generate the minimum fallout. Darren England took and age, umming and ahhing before evading all responsibility with a hospital pass back to the referee. Kavanagh stood in a trance watching the same clip 17 times before reaching his self-interest conclusion. After review, I have decided which side my bread is buttered and find for the prosecution.

All season, there have been complaints about the grappling and wrestling at corners pioneered by Arsenal. It has been the source of many goals for them, and they may well hold a patent on it. As the corner came in there were bodies flying and colliding everywhere. Rice was manhandling Mavropanos, Trossard had his arms around Pablo, yet Pablo’s coming together with Raya was the only incident deemed worthy of review. Why no penalty check?

We know from experience that if you watch the same clip over and over again, from different angles, and in slow motion, it will start to look dodgy. The reason so many pundits were convinced of Paqueta’s guilt in the Betway betting fiasco.

Again, the inconsistency of VAR was to the fore. A review that took so long to complete could not be classed as clear and obvious. And what of proximate cause? Had Trossard not been grappling Pablo, would his arm have gone anywhere near the advancing keeper?

Pablo must have dreamed of finally making such a decisive impact on a game – but not like this. As an aside, I’ve only recently discovered Pablo is the son of Brazilian footballer, Pena, a former teammate of Nuno at Porto. His signing, a modern-day equivalent of Moyes buying Jordan Hugill from his cash strapped Preston North End mates.

Who cannot see that the micro analysis of VAR has been terrible for fans and the spontaneity of the game? It’s concerning itself with incidents that were never an issue before its introduction. The only beneficiaries are the broadcasters given privileged access to the conversations that take place. Granting them talking points to liven up the underwhelming product that Premier League football often is. One further action interlude alongside scanning for celebrities in the crowd and endless action replays while the on-field action continues.

It quite amazing that the clubs were given the option to abandon VAR in the summer but decided (apart from Wolves) to vote against it.

The Hammer’s plight looks beyond desperate now – although that could change if Leeds do the decent thing and beat Tottenham tonight. As for the title, I would love it, love it, if Arsenal bottled it in the last two games – and then get thrashed in the Champions League final. COYI!

The trapdoor is open: West Ham’s Three Game Fight To Stay Up

One point behind Spurs, two realistically when you look at the goal difference, a brutal run-in, and no margin for error

Three matches rarely feel like a season, but that is exactly what West Ham are facing as the 2025–26 Premier League campaign enters its closing stretch. With two clubs already down and one final trapdoor still open, the Hammers’ run-in is less about style points and more about survival; we must turn the London Stadium into a pressure cooker, find points in all three games probably, and hope the margins fall our way.

The Premier League table explains the anxiety. After 35 games, West Ham sit 18th on 36 points with a goal difference of -19, one point behind Tottenham Hotspur in 17th on 37 points (Spurs’ goal difference is -9). Burnley (20 points) and Wolves (18 points) have already been relegated, leaving one remaining relegation place that now looks like a straight shootout between the Hammers and Spurs. Mathematically Forest and Palace are still involved but let’s be realistic; they are safe.

In practical terms, West Ham’s fate is no longer in our own hands. Being a point adrift means simply “matching” Tottenham’s results won’t be enough; West Ham need to outscore Spurs by at least a point over the final three fixtures. And if the clubs finish level on points, goal difference becomes pivotal. With Spurs ten goals better off, we cannot assume being level on points will save us unless we can dramatically swing the numbers in three games, a very unlikely and probably virtually impossible task at this stage.

That’s why the fixture list matters as much as the points. West Ham’s final three are brutally defined; Arsenal at home, Newcastle away, and Leeds at home. Tottenham’s closing schedule is Leeds at home, Chelsea away, and Everton at home. Both of us have two home games but on paper, (was it Brian Clough who once said games are played on grass not paper?) Spurs have the gentler run-in, while West Ham must find a way to take something from the league leaders and a recently resurgent Newcastle before a finale that could become a do-or-die game. I hope we still have a chance to escape when the final game comes around but it might be all over by then.

First comes Arsenal, top of the league and still with their own title business to finish. That cuts both ways for West Ham. Arsenal’s quality raises the difficulty level, but the stakes can also tighten a contender’s legs, especially in a hostile away environment. For the Hammers, the aim does not have to be perfect football; it has to be a plan that keeps the game alive, stay compact, manage the first 20 minutes, and give the fans a reason to believe that a point (or more) is possible. A defeat coupled with a Tottenham win over Leeds could almost be curtains for us. The deficit would then be four points, which with the goal difference taken into account would require winning the last two games and hoping Tottenham don’t manage more than one point from their last two.

If we still have a chance of survival when we reach the final game then that closing match at home to Leeds with a home crowd, familiar surroundings, and an opponent with less to play for could still be interesting. But final-day games are notorious for ignoring logic. If survival comes down to 90 minutes, West Ham will want to arrive with as much control over the narrative as possible, and I can’t see that happening under any circumstances. It would be a miracle to arrive here with it in our own hands. At best we would be relying on David Moyes’ Everton to lend a hand.

The reality is that unless we can pick up an improbable four points against Arsenal and Newcastle, which is what I expect Tottenham to get against Leeds and Chelsea then the final game of the season may well be our final game in the Premier League for at least a season and sadly, potentially longer.

Predictive models underline the scale of the task. Opta’s supercomputer has placed West Ham as the likeliest, projecting relegation in roughly three-quarters of its simulations. Deep Block, the Under the Hammers supercomputer, which has been bullish for the last nine games, is more pessimistic now and projects the drop at 93% likely at this stage of the season.

So what does survival likely require? Seven unlikely points might do it. That may not be enough though. Even three wins might not be enough but it probably would be and it would certainly make life interesting! Our chances are very slim but not mathematically hopeless. Not yet anyway. The survival path still exists, the margins are clear, and the incentive could not be sharper. The question is whether we can produce three defining performances before the season runs out of road. If I’m honest I don’t really think we are good enough. You reap what you sow. And sadly the seeds we’ve sown in recent times have produced the harvest that we deserve.

They Think It’s All Over: The Impending West Ham Apocalypse Looks Increasingly Certain

A double whammy of West Ham surrender and Tottenham victory leaves the Hammers on the precipice of relegation. What we see in the abyss is not a pretty sight.

The weekend results couldn’t really have gone any worse. We are left floundering like the hapless guest in the election special studio. The votes have been cast, the exit polls announced, your party has almost certainly lost but you are obliged to put on the bravest possible despite the inevitable outcome. Desperate soundbites about fighting on, giving it our best, still having hope. So many tears I’ve cried, so much pain inside, but it ain’t over ’til it’s over.

Some weeks ago, I had suggested that if West Ham were going to earn survival under their own steam, then the visits to Palace and Brentford would be critical games. Three or more points from those two matches should be the minimum return. The alternative was a reliance that our relegation rivals would perform even worse. Once the Palace game fizzled out into a lacklustre draw, Saturday’s trip to the Gtech Stadium took on even greater importance.

Not unexpectedly, Nuno named an unchanged side for the game. Why not? It had served him well enough in recent weeks even though quantifying its magic ingredient had been impossible to articulate. Had it just been a long run of good luck that had seen us rocket up the form table? In truth, we’d hardly taken any game by the scruff of the neck. And playing two consecutive halves of dominant front foot football in any fixture had proven equally elusive.

The Hammers looked nervy from the off. More mis-controls and misplaced passes than usual before finally settling down to a semblance of normality. An early opportunity for the Bees, an even better one for Pablo, before Brentford capitalised on indecisive defending at the far post to open the scoring.

The set-back prompted West Ham’s best spell of the game. Almost immediately, Taty hit the post, fluffed a good headed opportunity and later struck the post once again. There was a hearty cheer when Dinos headed powerfully home from a Diouf free-kick, but it was not to VAR’s liking. One ear and part of a shoulder were deemed to be offside at the point the lines were drawn. It is ridiculous that VAR looks at anything other than the position of the feet when drawing those offside lines.

There is an argument that with a little luck we could have been leading at the break. But that ignores the Damsgaard miss that followed the comical heading attempt by Hermansen, and the surprisingly weak finish by Thiago when put through on goal.

Any ideas of a storming comeback would be dashed early in the second half. Once again, the Hammers had left their resolve back in the dressing room and when Diouf’s stupid going to ground tackle gifted the Bees a penalty, it was effectively game over – notwithstanding Summerville making it a hattrick of woodwork interventions and the denial of two reasonable penalty shouts by referee Craig Pawson and Eddie (not so) Smart on VAR duty.  

Brentford have a no-nonsense side which has been assembled at minimal cost. It contains no prima-donnas, and every man is competent in the basics of the game – run, control and pass. The same cannot be said for our sorry mob. The Bees completed the misery by adding a third indicating that Nuno’s emperor’s new clothes formation had been well and truly found out. The limitations of players who are either too slow, tactically naïve or possess below par technical skills cannot punch above their weight forever. Once the weaknesses have been identified, exploiting them is relatively straightforward for any astute opposition coach.

Most will be familiar with Einsteins definition of insanity as “doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” Well, welcome to Nuno’s theory of game management. His substitutions were once again baffling in their timing and personnel – topped off by subjecting Pablo to a full 90 minutes’ worth of humiliation.

Week by week, I’ve been willing Pablo to cast off the no-goals-scored burden from his shoulders to reveal the true footballer underneath. But now I’m wondering whether he has ever played the game before. It would be no surprise to learn he is another long-lost cousin of George Weah. Could it be the ridiculous beard that’s slowing him down?

That early miss on Saturday summed him up perfectly. No pace, cumbersome, poor control and completely devoid of confidence.

I’m fully resigned to relegation now. It would be a huge shock if it doesn’t happen. The likelihood of further twists and turns in the relegation battle are as improbable as witnessing twists and turns by our players on the pitch. For them, sequences of sideways and backwards passing remain de rigueur.

It will be title-chasing Arsenal up next. The Hammers record against the Gunners is very poor. Four wins from the last 27 league games, with only one of those victories at home – thanks to Declan Rice’s only goal of the game in January 2019. It’s guaranteed that Nuno will go three at the back for this one and pin all his hopes on a miracle.

Should the inevitable happen, it will be my sixth West Ham relegation experience. The current state of the club suggests a far longer stint in the doldrums than we have seen before. A squad stripped of its remaining quality rattling around in the half-empty stadium bowl is not an appealing thought. What lies beneath is frightening.

The club are quick to put out Behind The Scenes videos on the rare occasion of a victory. A true behind the scenes look at West Ham would reveal little is going on behind the curtain. It’s all a façade. A club with no strategy, with sub-standard infrastructure and an amateurish approach to player recruitment. We can only look in awe at how well run clubs such as Bournemouth, Brentford, and Brighton are as they strive for European football on limited resources.

How will it be possible for West Ham to handle the massive turnover in personnel that relegation would trigger while avoiding the perils of a points deductions that non-compliance with the Championship’s PSR rules would bring. Leicester City, here we come!

As I see it, Mavropanos, Todibo, Diouf, Fernandes, Summerville, Bowen and possibly Soucek will all be sold to balance the books. Disasi will return to his parent club. And Taty and Wan-Bissaka will be drafting their come-and-get-me pleas as we speak. It leaves a squad built around Kilman, Pablo, a handful of youngsters and anyone else who cannot be profitably unloaded (the return of Alvarez, JWP & Fulkrug perhaps?). What a dismal thought.

Your cut out and keep guide to the grand West Ham everything must go 2026 fire sale is shown below.

What a mess. I never felt more like singing the (claret and) blues. COYI!

With a visit to Brentford this weekend survival is still in West Ham’s own hands.

The Under The Hammers Supercomputer forecasts what will happen.

The Under the Hammers Supercomputer, Deep Block has got it right once again. We beat Everton with a late winner from Callum Wilson. It was a nail-biting last few minutes wasn’t it? We were clinging on to a one goal lead while Spurs were drawing at Wolves, potentially opening the safety gap to four points. Then Spurs went ahead and it was back to two and then Everton equalised and we were back in the bottom three. Then it was almost too late but we did what we should have done earlier and went forward instead of this habit of retreating to hold on to a lead. And this time it worked and with four games to go we are two points to the good again.

Forest had taken the three easiest points of their season when Sunderland capitulated in 37 first half minutes, a disgraceful performance in my book. Leeds are almost, but not yet mathematically out of the relegation equation but three points in their forthcoming game at home to already relegated and Parker-less Burnley could ensure retention of Premier League football for them next season. Forest have daylight, so the smart money it seems is on West Ham and Tottenham arguing over the race to finish seventeenth. Or are there more twists to come?

If say, Tottenham were to pull off a shock win at Villa who can be inconsistent (losing three of their last six games) and West Ham were to manage three points at Brentford then Forest could be dragged back into it if they fail to win at Stamford Bridge. Only ifs I know but they are still looking over their shoulder. Of course the ideal would be West Ham to win and Forest and Tottenham both to lose! The current position with four games to go:  

TeamPositionPointsCushion vs 18th
Leeds15th40+6
Nottingham Forest16th39+5
West Ham17th36+2
Tottenham18th340

Fixtures remaining (4)

West Ham: Brentford (A), Arsenal (H), Newcastle (A), Leeds (H)

Tottenham: Aston Villa (A), Leeds (H), Chelsea (A), Everton (H)

Nottingham Forest: Chelsea (A), Newcastle (H), Man United (A), Bournemouth (H)

Leeds: Burnley (H), Tottenham (A), Brighton (H), West Ham (A)

So who has the hardest run-in? One way to look at this is who still has fixtures where they can realistically pick up an important three points. West Ham’s run is tough but the away games are against sides not in form. Arsenal at home would seem to be the obvious free hit and unlikeliest three points but how are they going to react as the season comes towards a close? Brentford and Newcastle away are perhaps more winnable than they might have seemed a while ago. Real three point trips? Brentford, for example have now drawn five of their last six games and lost the other one. Newcastle have lost their last four in a row. That leaves the final day game at the London Stadium at home to Leeds.  

Spurs have all “pressure fixtures” stacked together. They are chasing away wins against Villa and Chelsea. And just like West Ham they face Leeds and Everton at home.

Forest’s difficulty is potentially believing they have done enough already. They may have but Deep Block believes they have the toughest run-in of the four. Chelsea (if they can recover from their disastrous run) and United away are not the easiest of fixtures, and home wins against Newcastle and Bournemouth may be what they need to ensure safety. Newcastle is perhaps their easiest game of the four but a final day home game against an in-form Bournemouth team won’t be easy if there is still something to play for. Their five point cushion may seem comfortable at this point but it will become nervous for them if the gap narrows.

So what is the current verdict? Leeds and Forest look the most likely to survive because they have points already earned and they have perhaps at least one fixture you can pencil in as three likely points. The smart money continues to be West Ham versus Tottenham for 17th.

Projecting forward to the final four games Deep Block believes the final table will be:

TeamPositionPoints
Leeds15th45
Nottingham Forest16th42
West Ham17th41
Tottenham18th40

That gives Tottenham 6 points in the final 4 games, Leeds 5, West Ham 5, and Forest 3. But football is an unpredictable game. End of season games are akin to guesswork. At least after falling seven points adrift early in 2026 we’ve reached the stage where with four games to go survival is in our own hands. Anything can still happen. And it probably will. COYI!

Super Callum, Tom’s Fantastic, VAR’s Audacious

Late drama at the London Stadium and Molineux plus VAR controversy made it Saturday 3PM kick-off to remember as West Ham overcome David Moyes’ Everton to boost hopes of survival.

In the end it was an inconclusive set of weekend results as far as the relegation stakes were concerned. With three of the runners carving out victories, it is as you were but with one fewer round of games to play. And no clearer indication of who will claim the final drop spot.

Internet speculation suggests that wins for West Ham and Tottenham have dragged Forest, Leeds (and even Newcastle) back into the frame. But this feels no more than an extravagant talking point to me. Newcastle already have sufficient points (and goal difference) in the bag to keep them up. Leeds enough easy games – including trips to Tottenham and West Ham – to pick up the point or two required. While a Forest side with nine goals in their last two matches are highly unlikely relegation fodder.

What that leaves, of course, is the impending theatrical showdown between ourselves and the long-standing arch-rivals and nemesis from north London, Tottenham Hotspur. Good versus evil. Light versus dark. Right versus wrong. Jam versus clotted cream first on a tea-time scone.

In theory, destiny remains in our own hands. Win all the remaining games or out-point Tottenham and it will be them rather than us with the largest stadium rattling around in the Championship. But relegation battles rarely work out that easily. A slip here, a lucky break there, a bad injury, a Pablo goal, a bout of nerves, under committed opponents, and poor officiating. All are potential unscripted game changers.

As expected, Nuno opted for the same personnel and formation that has served him well since the January transfer window. This meant starting berths once again for the enigmatic pairing of Taty and Pablo. They move in mysterious, unconvincing ways but somehow it get results. No-one quite knows why, how or what purpose they serve other than their presence makes a difference. A little like your appendix or tonsils.

Incredibly, since being robbed blind by incompetent VAR officials in the home fixture with Forest, West Ham have accumulated 22 points from 13 games. Extrapolated to a full season this would equate to 64 points and possible European qualification. Not bad for a team of misfits – even if they are misfits with an exemplary team spirit.

The first half at the London Stadium was as cagey as they come. Perhaps no surprise with two managers who would consider a bouncy castle as the epitome of an extreme sport. A couple of quick Everton breaks which Barry was always going to miss. An enterprising Hammers attack, a teasing Jarrod Bowen cross, but with no Callum Wilson on the pitch to finish it off. That was as good as it got.

The second period started much brighter and with greater intensity from the home side. Within five minutes they had taken the lead. A characteristic high lunge assault on Taty by England’s Number One warranted no more than the award of a corner. Everton’s relief was short-lived, however, as Tomas Soucek rose above everyone else to glance home Bowen’s kick.

I’m generally conflicted by the value Big Tom brings to the team. How his limitations in open play balance out against his aerial contributions in either box, and his overall impeccable attitude. Right now, there is no-one better and the same rationale applies as it does to the inclusion of Taty and Pablo. Don’t fix what isn’t broken. Yet this was to be Tom’s special day. Even more satisfying than the most delicious potato salad as he followed up his opening goal with two superb clearances that looked certain equalisers

For a brief period after the goal it looked as if West Ham would press forward in search of a second goal. But it didn’t last for long. When Moyes made an uncommon early substitution, replacing a defender with a midfielder, the complexion of the game changed immediately. The Hammers dropped deeper and deeper. Nuno had nothing up his sleeve.

Everton sensed their opportunity. They were getting plenty of joy down their left-hand side where KWP struggled with the overload and the crosses rained in. The world and his wife knew an equaliser was on the cards, it was only a matter of time. Nuno eventually turned to his bench but never subscribes to the attack as the best form of defence philosophy. The extent of the game management was to pack the final third and hope for the best. It’s never worked in the past, but you never know your luck!

The tension grew. Tottenham had scored at Molineux. Around the stadium and in front of TV sets, knuckles were cracked, feet tapped, hands wrung, nails bitten, lips chewed, phones checked, teeth ground, and arms folded sternly. And then it happened. An Everton goal and West Ham were back into the bottom three. What a disaster!

Miraculously, the drama didn’t end there. West Ham did what they should have been doing all along and went back onto the front foot. The ball was worked across field to Malick Diouf. An excellent cross to the far post. An intelligent downward header back across goal by Bowen. The ball rolling in slow motion into the path of Callum Wilson. Right player at the right time. 2-1.   

Naturally, it wouldn’t have been a Premier League game without a few quirks and idiosyncrasies of VAR thrown in. In an era where there is an increasing arbitrariness to the decisions made by officials, it more often comes down to precedence and current practice than what is written down in the rule book. That’s why it was such a shock that the Fernandes ‘handball’ although unintentional was not given as a penalty. Yet Everton’s indignance could equally countered by the unpunished Pickford assault on Taty, and the blatant two-handed push by (the already booked) Garner on Axel Disasi. But with offences now only being offences in certain areas of the pitch, and subjective judgements routinely made on acceptable duration of a shirt pull, how long a challenge is deemed to carry on for, or the comparative force of any push, officiating is more lottery than understandable.

And where was the protection for Crysencio Summerville who was systematically fouled by a succession of Everton players throughout the game. Four Toffees finding their names in the referee’s book as a result.  

The whole relegation circus moves on to Brentford next weekend. The Bees have yet to play this weekend, but whatever happens at Old Trafford tonight they will still be in with a chance of European qualification. Everyone knows what to expect from their aerial bombardment and the keeper and defence need to be operating at peak concentration and bravery to keep them at bay. More importantly, Nuno must go there with victory rather than avoiding defeat at the front of his mind. It is an opportunity to put further daylight between us and the enemy who will be travelling to Aston Villa.

What might ultimately carry the Hammers through to safety is the outstanding spirit pulsing through the squad. It might make all the difference over the final few weeks. In the words of honorary cockney, Dick Van Dyke: “No where is there a more ‘appier crew, Than them wot sings, chim chim cher-ee, chim cher-oo.” COYI!