#westham – Page 2 – Under The Hammers

Nuno’s Eggs, VAR’s Seaside Madness and Passing Through The Hoops To FA Cup Glory

The idiom of the curate’s egg is used to describe something that is good in parts. And that’s exactly how Nuno Espirito Santo’s time at West Ham can best be summed after ten games in charge. More sunny side up, and less last minute scrambles, please.

Ten points from ten games may be on the cusp of survival form but is not a good enough return to compensate for the terrible start engineered by Graham Potter. Interestingly, Potter’s overall record at the Hammers was also exactly a point per game – 23 from 23. So, plenty of room for improvement.

While Nuno might be perfectly happy to draw his way to safety it is not what is needed. Reaching the promised land of 40 points – which may or may not be enough this season in an unusually compressed Premier League table – demands 27 points from the remaining 23 games. My guess is that at least seven wins are needed somehow. By no means impossible, but better than what has gone before.

There are obvious signs of improvements under Nuno compared to the darkest days of Potter and Lopetegui. And to some extent he has been working in recovery mode from the hopelessness of the previous incumbents. The players now appear to understand what they are supposed to be doing (especially when defending set pieces), team spirit and resilience have returned to acceptable levels, youth is being given a chance, and individual players (Alphonse Areola, Jean-Clair Todibo and Dinos Mavropanos in particular) have demonstrated considerable improvement in both performance and attitude.

On the flip side, there are the weird team selections, dodgy substitutions and a flight towards safety in the closing stages of games which have already sacrificed a handful of winnable and much needed points. There is a supreme paradox that a coach who favours hyper-caution in game management is prepared to make untried and speculative tactical gambles by way of preparation.

It could equally be argued that the club is pretty much back where it left off with the Moyesiah. A predilection for low block, low possession, counter-attacking football and an over-reliance on Jarrod Bowen for goals.

True to form, Nuno sprang a curate’s egg selection surprise when the team sheets were handed in on Sunday. On the plus side, it was a welcome return for injury prone Crysencio Summerville in attack. But against that was another experiment with three central defenders, and the baffling inclusion of Guido Rodriguez in front of them.

Freddie Potts and Soungoutou Magassa were relegated to the bench while George Earthy, Mohamadou Kanté and Callum Marshall – all on the bench at Old Trafford- were excluded from the matchday squad completely.

In fairness, Rodriguez did what was asked of him. But his inclusion was still an odd decision where better, more flexible, options were available. The modern coaching fraternity are obsessed with the need for squad rotation once the games come around “thick and fast’” – whether it is needed or not. A Potts/ Magassa job share would have worked equally well defensively and with the aded bonus of greater energy going forward.

Nuno’s intent to contain and frustrate Brighton worked just as planned for long periods of the match. Hürzeler’s Seagulls tend more towards Potter’s version than the more adventurous, higher risk De Zerbi incarnation. Faced with numbers and a compact Hammer’s defensive shape they were unable to trouble Areola in the West Ham goal until their closing minutes assault.

The best chance of a stodgy first half fell to Summerville but his shot was easily saved. For all the admirable pace and movement, his decision making and end-product need a radical improvement at this level. Difficult to believe from his deer-in-the-headlights attempts at goal that he once racked up 21 goals in a season for Leeds. He would later be denied by an excellent stop from the Brighton keeper.

West Ham took the lead moments after the introduction of Callum Wilson. A hopeful clearance by Kilman, a mistake in the Brighton defence and Wilson feeding Bowen who scored with a fine hooked shot from the tightest of angles. Could they hold on or even score another?

While a low-block isn’t directly equivalent to parking the bus, that is what the Hammer’s strategy became with each successive substitution. With no pace and no-one able to carry the ball forward the last 15 minutes became a game of attack versus defence, just as it had against Bournemouth. The biggest mistake of all was to withdraw Mateus Fernandes. With him went the important protection in front of the back line. Suddenly, it was the hosts winning all the 50-50 challenges.

When the whole defensive line drops so deep and invites constant pressure holding out becomes a lottery. The reason most managers don’t deploy a 9-0-1 formation. All it needs is a lucky bounce or wicked deflection. Or in this case, the incompetence of VAR.

VAR should only have one job. To pick up the infringements that the referee misses in the hurly burly of on-field action. Of course, this isn’t what the jokers at PGMOL have done. Instead, they have rewritten all sorts of rules to suit the technology available. And in doing so, they have either failed to think them through – requiring constant revision and re-interpretation. Or introduced fixes to problems that hadn’t existed previously.

How could anyone (and I’m looking at you VAR-meister, Tony Harrington) look at multiple replays from multiple angles and fail to see the dangerous assault on Dinos’ head and/ or conclude that the handball should not be penalised. Some made-up nonsense about phases of play which meant that had Areola let the original shot in, it would have been disallowed. But when the same player scores three seconds later it was OK.

The ever-changing interpretation of the rules are a farce. Daft decisions being imposed by daft people. All totally subjective. And the reason why you can always find a retired man in black to support whatever opinion you fancy in the media.

In all the excitement, there was still a chance for Dinos to miss a gilt-edged opportunity to bag a winner from the final corner of the match. It is now two years since a central defender scored for West Ham (Dinos at Arsenal) which in the age of set piece specialists is another sad Hammer’s statistic. Like not having a decent corner taker or anyone capable of launching a threatening throw-in into the box.

It was nice to see Ezra Mayers, another academy lad, make his Premier League debut. Too little time to make any impression but we may be seeing more of him once the AFCON players depart.

***

Last night’s FA Cup draw was kinder to West Ham than in previous years when Joe Cole presented them with a 3^rd round home tie against QPR. The Hoops were 5^th round opponents at Upton Park enroute to the Hammer’s 1975 Final win. However, we have faced them three times in the competition since then and lost on each occasion.

A nice little cup run would be a welcome relief after a dismal two years for West Ham supporters. So, let’s hope that Nuno treats it with the respect it deserves.

At the weekend, West Ham entertain Aston Villa, the Premier League’s current form team. They have a Europa League game in Switzerland on Thursday night, so any flight delays or travel problems will be greatly appreciated. COYI!

Can West Ham break the Brighton curse? Will the Seagulls soar or the Hammers strike? The Sunday showdown at the Amex.

West Ham United visit Brighton & Hove Albion at the Amex Stadium this Sunday, with both sides seeking to improve their fortunes as the season approaches its midpoint at the end of the month. Historically, Brighton have dominated this fixture, losing only once in 16 Premier League encounters with West Ham (seven wins, eight draws), with our sole win coming in August 2023. West Ham’s win rate against Brighton stands at just 6%, our lowest against any opponent faced more than twice in the competition. Brighton have also scored more Premier League goals against West Ham (31) than against any other side, and only Manchester United (8 times) have been beaten more often by the Seagulls than the Hammers (7 times).

Brighton enter the match in solid form, having won three of their last six league games. Their recent results include victories over Leeds (3-0), Brentford (2-1), and Nottingham Forest (2-0), a draw with Crystal Palace (0-0), and a 4-3 defeat to Aston Villa and a 4-2 loss to Manchester United. The Seagulls have shown attacking prowess but also some defensive frailties, scoring 12 goals and conceding 9 in this period. For the season to date they have won 6, drawn 4 and lost 4, 24 goals scored and 20 conceded, and sit in seventh place with 22 points prior to this round of matches. But the table is so congested they are just two points below Chelsea in fourth and three points above Bournemouth in fourteenth.

West Ham, meanwhile, have struggled for consistency throughout the season. In our last six matches, we have shown an upturn and recorded two wins (3-1 vs Newcastle, 3-2 vs Burnley), two draws (2-2 vs Bournemouth, 1-1 vs Manchester United), and two defeats (2-1 vs Leeds, 2-0 vs Liverpool). The Hammers have scored 10 goals and conceded 10, highlighting defensive vulnerabilities that have plagued our campaign. For the season as a whole we have won 3, drawn 3 and lost 8 giving us 12 points with 16 goals scored and 28 conceded. Only Wolves (29) have conceded more. As a result we sit in the relegation zone in 18^th place, two points adrift of 17^th placed Leeds.

Brighton’s squad is stretched by injuries, with Tzimas, Milner, March, and Webster ruled out. Mitoma, Ayari, Watson, and Rutter are doubtful. Danny Welbeck, who has scored six Premier League goals against West Ham, is expected to lead the line, supported by the creative talents of Minteh, Gruda, and De Cuyper.

According to Nuno West Ham welcome back Lucas Paquetá after suspension (but not welcome back for me!), which he believes should bolster our midfield creativity. However, we remain without Igor Julio, Oliver Scarles, and possibly Crysencio Summerville. Callum Wilson, with eight goal contributions against Brighton, will be a key attacking threat, while Jarrod Bowen continues to be our most potent source of goals and assists, although his form appears to have dipped of late. So many of his shots are either missing the target or are getting blocked.

Our last game in midweek was a deserved 1-1 draw at Old Trafford. Personally I was impressed by the efforts of the team as a whole, particularly the performances of Magassa, Wan Bissaka, Potts, Fernandes and Todibo. At last we are getting greater pace and mobility in midfield but I didn’t understand the selection of Soucek and the position he was asked to play; I would have liked to see Earthy given his opportunity to add further mobility to the middle of the pitch. And I couldn’t understand why there was such a delay in making substitutions when we were a goal down either.

Some of the points from Nuno’s conference on Friday: he confirmed Lucas Paqueta is “going to play” from the start after serving his one-match suspension for his red card against Liverpool. Asked if he had any concerns over Paqueta’s dissent, Nuno added: “I already spoke about that. It is in the past. I am positive it will not happen again because he personally admitted his mistake. We spoke about it in the dressing room. I am positive it is over and it will not be repeated.” We shall see!

On Crysencio Summerville’s fitness: “Hopefully returns soon. We miss him. We know what he gives to the team. Let’s see. We need all the players. I hope he can be back. I hope Oliver Scarles can join the team. We are going to need him because we lose our full-backs to Afcon.”

Nuno believes the midfield unit is “slowly progressing in knowledge and complicity”, adding: “Energy. They are all very young. They are growing together. They are slowly understanding the specifics. This is what makes a good midfield. You can’t be an individual. You can’t put two players together and expect them to click immediately.”

Being in the bottom three: “We cannot avoid it. It is a reality. We have to face it. We are fighting for survival. We cannot hide it. The results of other teams we cannot control. It is up to us.” Nuno says he is “slowly trying to fix” our poor record of defending set-pieces and we are now “trying to take advantage of offensive corners” like the one we scored from against Manchester United on Thursday. He added: “We know how important set-pieces are in the game. They are basic and fundamental for any kind of team. Working, working, working. Repeating, repeating. Trying to find the consistency of delivery, trying to mark the strong opponents we will find. The blocks are important. Alphonse got a big help with that also.”

Only Aston Villa have won more points from losing positions this season. But not too many teams fall behind as often as we do! “Everybody in the club is realising we have to give the best of everything. We have to give the best of us to get out of this situation. That is the reality. A club like us, as big as we are, we have to face the situation so we can go out. It is hard to build with urgency but the boys are committed and we think we can do it.”

Brighton have been particularly effective at home, scoring at least twice in each of their last six Premier League matches at the Amex. Their attacking rhythm and possession-based style have yielded results, though defensive lapses remain a concern for them. Under Nuno Espirito Santo we have shown some resilience but lack stability, especially at the back, having failed to keep a clean sheet in our last 11 league games.

Given Brighton’s historical dominance in this fixture, their strong home form, and West Ham’s defensive frailties, the Seagulls are favourites. We can expect an open contest with chances for both sides, but Brighton’s attacking cohesion and home advantage could prove decisive. A high-scoring affair is likely, with Brighton tipped by the bookmakers and most pundits to edge the match. I’d love to think we can surprise them but hope that we can at least add to our recent tally of drawn games and get a 2-2 draw. What are the chances?

West Ham Travel To Manchester United For The Battle Of The Transfer Chumps

West Ham United’s Premier League farewell tour rolls into Manchester this evening in the hope of finding an ideal spot to park the bus.

A recent analysis by the International Centre for Sports Studies placed both today’s combatants at the very foot of football’s transfer hall of shame. West Ham and Manchester United floundering in the bottom six of clubs who have derived the worst possible value for money in transfer dealings since 2021.

In the survey, which includes all clubs whose transfer spending exceeded €10 million, the two Premier League clubs are joined in the roll of dishonour by four Saudi clubs. And let’s face it, those Saudis are well used to losing an arm and a leg.

The reliability of the study was subsequently endorsed in a Daily Mail report which confirmed it had been undertaken by boffins. Who could possibly argue with that? It’s a sign of the times that we don’t hear nearly often enough from boffins these days. It has to be one of my favourite (peculiarly British) words, alongside scarpered.

Delve a little deeper and a case can easily be made that the Hammers record is significantly worse – and has had far greater impact – than the Red Devils. Relative to revenues – which are ultimately the driver of transfer spend in the world of PSR and SCR – the most recent accounts show Manchester United outearning West Ham by some distance: £666 million to £271 million. While both records are appalling, the Mancs are far better placed to absorb and recover from losses of that scale.

It is possibly the saddest indictment of West Ham’s mismanagement and poor stewardship that having had 14 seasons feeding from the Premier League money bonanza trough, they have been left with a squad whose value and quality is no better than any of the newly promoted clubs.

Last night’s results saw the Hammers slip back once again into the relegation places. Wins for Leeds and Nottingham Forest hinting that the race for the drop might shift from a five-horse race to a three horse certainty. Dyche will no doubt continue to grind out results at the City Ground while Leeds have demonstrated a fighting spirit in their last two games that is sorely lacking from the West Ham squad.

In times of desperation, it is tempting to clutch at the straw that you never know what you’re going to get with West Ham. But that is fast becoming a fireside myth. The days of pulling off shock wins have been few and far between in recent seasons. When they have happened it has been the result of opposition off days rather than Hammer’s excellence.

With six games to go until the end of the year – and the season’s halfway point – it is challenging to see where more more than a handful of points might come from. By then, we may be even further adrift of safety. Leaving survival reliant on a storming transformational transfer window – something which all prior evidence (see above) suggests is improbable.

Tonight’s opponents have been experiencing a mini revival of late, but without pulling up any trees. I watched their game at Crystal Palace as part of a low-quality Super Sunday double bill, and they remain well short of top six quality. Palace should really have been out of sight by half time but had forgotten to bring along their shooting boots. Not for the first time, it was Bruno Fernandes who inspired the visitors comeback. He will be the main threat again tonight.

With the enforced absence of Lucas Paqueta, Nuno will have been busily spinning the selection wheel of fortune over the past couple of days. Quite what random changes he’ll come up with can only be guessed at. Red flags for me would be a return to the three/ five at the back formation and a starting berth for Tomas Soucek. You might as well switch off your set, log off your stream or retire to the bar if you at Old Trafford.

Neither George Earthy, Callum Marshall nor Mohamadou Kanté turned out for the Under 21s last night – so, one or all may have been on the bus up to Manchester. My preference would be a start for Earthy with a more advanced role for Mateus Fernandes in front of Freddie Potts and Soungoutou Magassa. However, if Nuno once again insists on parking the bus and refuses to commit players forward, the chosen formation will be academic anyway. At some point, whether from a free kick or corner, the defences will be breached.

A lot of supporters and media have already written off Luis Guilherme, especially where the narrative is to highlight Tim Steidten’s (rather than the Board’s) role in the Hammer’s current plight. Personally, I think there’s a decent player in there if used correctly. Someone able to carry the ball forward as an attacking midfielder – if there were such a thing in Nuno’s plan. I don’t though see him as a natural stand-in for Crysencio Summerville on the left wing. He will not shine there!

If anyone is feeling positive about tonight’s game, then please let me know what you’ve been drinking (or smoking). I only see one possible outcome and it’s not a good one for the claret and blue. Anyway, I need to scarper pretty quickly. COYI!

Nuno’s Caution, Obliging Hosts and A Sad Farewell to King Billy Bonds MBE

Six foot two, eyes of blue, Billy Bonds is after you, na na na na na na na na na! An awful game of football was an ill-fitting tribute to this exceptional club legend.

Most of us can easily reel off our list of favourite ever games. Nights of thrilling football, electric atmospheres and tribal passions often elevated by uncertainty and jeopardy. Where the buzz of adrenaline, exhilaration and emotion kicked in from having witnessed something truly special. West Ham versus Liverpool was not one of those games.

In fact, it was an awful spectacle from beginning to end. Unfit to be classsed as an elite sporting contest in the supposed greatest league in the world. And no fit way to honour the memory of a sadly departed West Ham legend. It was drab, dreary, uneventful and without even a hint of entertainment. An afternoon to forget. To be archived immediately by the brain and filed away in its junk folder.

Unfortunately, for West Ham fans such afternoons and evenings are increasingly becoming the norm. The rot set in back in January 2024. The season had started well enough despite the loss of Declan Rice with a momentum carried over from the Conference League success. But as winter set in, it started to run out of steam. Reinforcements were badly needed. A squad refresh for the busy schedule of domestic and European football to come. But true to form, the club did nothing. Bad decisions which have been coming home to roost ever since.

In the intervening period, league performances have plummeted faster than a politician’s approval rating. The return from the past 70 matches is just 73 points and a meagre 18 wins – 9 in 36 home games and 9 in 34 away games. How are supporters meant to be motivated when a visit to the London Stadium offers only a 25% chance of success? And where successive managerial emphasis on caution at the expense of entertainment (remember that?) has served up an uninspiring average of little over one West Ham goal per game.

Pundits frequently talk about managers of ‘lesser’ clubs needing to be pragmatic. As if that excuses or is equivalent to the need for overzealous timidity. It is faulty reasoning. Being pragmatic is about making optimum use of the resources available in all areas of the pitch. Playing to your strengths. Managers command large salaries for their apparent expertise in adapting tactics and selections to suit individual sets of circumstances. Parking as many players behind the ball as possible in every game, regardless of opposition or situation does not represent pragmatism. It reflects a lack of imagination.

Here we were then, facing a hesitant Liverpool side. With a manager under pressure and a team low on confidence, riddled with defensive uncertainty following a long winless run of results. How best then to capitalise on these anxieties? Nuno’s answer was to act as the most obliging of hosts. Providing Liverpool the opportunity to play themselves back into form. Sit deep, abandon attacking ambition and allow a suspect defence the easiest afternoon they will have all season (or at least until the return fixture at Anfield!)

To be fair, there were few complaints about the starting eleven that Nuno had selected. The makeup of the bench was another matter though. Why does he persist with all three of Tomas Soucek, Guido Rodriguez and Andy Irving in the matchday squad? Under what possible scenario would they be brought into the action together? Their presence only serves to signal the tone of the manager’s intentions while severely restricting the attacking options available for those (frequent) occasions where you go a goal down. Surely, George Earthy and Callum Marshall would offer more balance and greater variety from the bench.

If the starting eleven looked acceptable on paper, it was substandard in its application. The pitiful levels of pressure applied to a wounded opponent were a shocking disappointment. We can’t be certain whether this is team orders or down to individual players but, as ever, the Hammers long-running striker predicament was compounded by an inability or reluctance to get sufficient bodies into the penalty area in support.

West Ham’s limitations with on-field leadership was brought into sharp focus during the Lucas Paqueta debacle. It was obvious that the Brazilian had completely lost control of his mind and yet none of his colleagues made a serious attempt to intervene and calm the situation down. Skipper Jarrod Bowen, standing a matter of yards away, was particularly culpable in acting as a disinterested bystander.

Many have commented on Bowen’s drop in form in recent weeks. He was certainly ineffective on Sunday (apart from the one late shot which was as close to a shot on target as we got) but much of this may be down to opponents recognising he is the Hammer’s only significant threat – and doubling up his marking as a result. Essentially, stop Bowen and you stop West Ham.

***

The sad backdrop to Sunday’s game was the breaking news that Billy Bonds MBE had died. By any metric Bonzo was one of the greatest players to ever wear the claret and blue. A total of 799 appearances across 20 seasons in three different decades. The scorer of 61 goals and an inspirational captain who twice lifted the FA Cup.

His exploits and longevity had made him a hero to many generations of West Ham fans. For some reason, my 13-year-old paper boy self can quite clearly recall when I first learnt of his signing. The first stop on my round was two blocks of flats, and I would stop for a while to scan through the back pages for the latest sports news and gossip – or what passed for it back then. I must admit I had never heard of Billy Bonds at the time, but a new young full back sounded like it would be an exciting prospect.

Billy made his debut in the opening game of the 1967/68 season – a home defeat by Sheffield Wednesday – alongside fellow new signings Bobby Ferguson (from Kilmarnock) and John Cushley (from Celtic). Little did we know what impression he would make at the club.

There are just too many superlatives that can be applied to Billy Bonds – tough, wholehearted, dedicated, commanding, courageous, composed, loyal, tenacious, tireless, energetic and so on and so on. He was the embodiment of effort and dedication in a football shirt. A versatile footballer who excelled in every position he played in – rampaging full back, competitive midfielder, or unyielding central defender. A real West Ham warrior (with matching hair and beard) who competed hard and fair, who played on through the knocks, who would fight for every ball but always within the spirit of the game. There was no underhand niggling, malice or gamesmanship in Billy’s locker.

Having first experienced the West Ham of Moore, Hurst, and Peters, Billy was not my first Hammer’s hero, but he stands proudly on the podium with the best. Although the term is often thrown around loosely these days, Bonzo was a true club legend.

***

Yet another defeat has left West Ham in a precarious position towards the foot of the Premier League table. It’s shaping up as a four or five horse race for the three relegation places. Any three from Wolves, Burnley, Leeds, West Ham and possibly Forest for the drop. Three of the five having already played their joker by sacking at least one manager.

Points are badly needed from the two tricky away fixtures at Old Trafford and the Amex Stadium scheduled over the following five days. But it is difficult to see where they might come from. After that Malick Diouf and AWB will be off to AFCON 2025. Desperate times. COYI!

West Ham with seven points from their last three games entertain Liverpool who have three points from their last seven games

When we were five games into this Premier League season, the reigning champions Liverpool sat at the top already holding a five point lead. They had won all five games, albeit with some very late winning goals, and had 15 points, five clear of second placed Arsenal. They had scored 11 goals and conceded five and were odds on favourites even at that early stage to retain their title. What has happened next has taken almost everyone by surprise.

We are now 12 games into the season and their five point lead just seven games ago has not just disappeared but they have tumbled down the league table and now are twelfth with 18 points, 11 points off Arsenal at the summit, meaning just one win and six defeats in those games (with nine defeats in their last 12 games across all competitions). They have scored 18 goals and conceded 20 in the Premier League to date. These games include some heavy defeats to Manchester City (0-3), Nottingham Forest (0-3), and PSV Eindhoven (1-4 in the Champions League).

Defensive frailties have been exposed, with Liverpool conceding three goals in three of their last five matches. Injuries have compounded their woes, with Hugo Ekitike, Florian Wirtz, and Jeremie Frimpong all doubts for this weekend’s game, while Alisson Becker faces a race to be fit.

Apparently, it is Liverpool’s worst run since 1953. And what odds would you have got when they were comfortably leading the league that by the end of November Arne Slot would be second favourite at around 2/1 (Daniel Farke is the odds-on favourite) to be the next Premier League manager to be leaving his post? Quite an astonishing turn round that everybody seems to fail to understand the reason why.

And after all that they now face the mighty, massive Hammers at the London Stadium! West Ham come into this fixture unbeaten in their last three Premier League games, having picked up seven points from matches against Newcastle (3-1 win), Burnley (3-2 win), and Bournemouth (2-2 draw). Our seven points from those three Premier League games in November exceeds the four we managed in August, September and October combined. It could have been nine points if the manager had gone about substitutions in a different way at Bournemouth where we surrendered the initiative after holding a two-goal half time lead. (I’ll leave you to review Geoff’s analysis of that game – I’ll say no more here.)

We seem to have found new energy under Nuno Espirito Santo with his (in my opinion) improved team selections in the last three games, with Callum Wilson in fine form, scoring twice against one of his old clubs last weekend. Always a fine goalscorer but why was he hauled off so early? I remember the days when the same eleven who started the game ended it too! Lucas Paqueta returns from suspension (I have mixed feelings about this), and Crysencio Summerville is expected to be fit, boosting our attacking options. We have also recorded back-to-back home wins for the first time this calendar year, and our attacking play has notably improved, scoring eight goals in our last three league matches (compared to seven in the previous nine). However, I still have my reservations about our new manager. Team selections and substitutions mainly but I hope he proves me wrong and is successful in taking us up the table.

Liverpool have dominated this fixture historically, winning 86 of the 153 competitive meetings, with West Ham claiming 29 wins and 38 draws. In recent years, Liverpool have won five of the last six encounters, including a 5-0 thrashing at the London Stadium last December and a 5-1 EFL Cup win. West Ham’s last home victory over Liverpool came in November 2021 (3-2), (didn’t Mr. Klopp blame the bubbles?) but that remains our only win in the last 20 attempts.

The fixture tends to produce goals, with both teams scoring in many recent meetings. Liverpool have scored 25 goals in their nine Premier League visits to the London Stadium against West Ham, including a 5-0 win in this fixture last season. Indeed, Man City (28) and Arsenal (26) are the only visiting sides with more goals at the ground.

Liverpool have lost each of their last five away league games against London sides, as many as in their previous 31. They last had a longer losing run in the capital between September 1952 and April 1954 with eight.

Current form favours West Ham (something that isn’t usually the case when we face Liverpool!). History favours the Merseysiders and bookmakers make them odds on favourites to win the game. I hope we can inflict more pressure on Mr Slot and boost our own position in the table with three points. However, I note that Liverpool are the only Premier League team to have not shared the points in any of their twelve league games so far this season. They haven’t drawn any of their five Champions League games either nor their two league cup games when they exited the competition at the hands of Crystal Palace. They did draw the Community Shield game at the beginning of the season before losing on penalties to Palace. Palace were also one of the teams to beat them in the league too.

Perhaps time for our second 2-2 draw in consecutive weeks? Or our second 3-2 win in consecutive home games?

Nuno And A Classic Tale Of Game Mismanagement: West Ham Draw At Bournemouth

One point is snatched from the jaws of three as West Ham invite Bournemouth to an uncontested 45-minute second half shootout at the Vitality Stadium.

On the face of it, returning from the Vitality Stadium with one point in the bag could be seen as a job well done. Bournemouth are no mugs and many of us would have taken the draw prior to kick-off. And seven points from the last three games is not to be sniffed at. So, why so much post-match negativity among supporters? The simple answer: because it felt very much like two points thrown away rather than one earned.

Nuno had received plenty of media plaudits following the two consecutive home victories against Newcastle and Burnley. They were much needed wins, the league table looked less desperate and there was a sense he may have “turned things around”. Yet, I can’t shake the doubts from my mind that he was as much the architect of our dire situation – from his bewildering selections and tactics against Brentford and Leeds – as he was our saviour. A sleight of hand like the firefighting arsonist who first sets the blaze and later returns as the hero to put it out.

It’s now eight points from seven games for Nuno. An improvement over the hapless Graham Potter but still well within the realms of disappointment. The next seven games take us through to the end of the year; the halfway stage of the season and the opening of the transfer window. Following the first three of those games, players will depart for AFCON 2025 – and may potentially be missing until the last week of January. It’s a tough run of fixtures during which the Hammers cannot afford to lose touch with our fellow stragglers. A point per game is a minimum return.

Having carved out the two home wins with a solid, dependable and unspectacular 4-3-3, Nuno elected to exercise his tactical chops with a return to a three-man central defence. What might have looked liked a 3-4-3 from the safety of the white board turned into a uninspiring 5-4-1 for most of the game. The driver for change was either to compensate for the absence of Lucas Paqueta, to counter the Cherry’s swift attacking threat, or just for the hell of it. Whatever way, it served to set the tone of the afternoon. The Hammers would be competing as underdogs.

How we have arrived at a situation where Bournemouth (£169 m in revenues and average attendance 11,200) have superior resources and depth to their squad than West Ham (£268 m in revenues and average attendance 62,400) is staggering. But we know the answer, don’t we? It is the direct consequence of the fetid band of grifters, chancers and charlatans in the boardroom responsible for sullying the great name of West Ham United for the past 15 years. As with Robin Banks, the detective, or Clara Knet, the musician, we can see nominative determinism at work here. Sully – verb: to damage, soil, or tarnish a reputation. BS Out!

As for Bournemouth, it is a very well-run club. They ditched a safety-first coach to appoint a progressive, visionary coach in Iraola. They have coped with (and profited from) the lucrative sales of Zabarnyi, Huijsen, Kerkez, Ouattara, and Solanke. And yet still have a more valuable squad than West Ham according to Transfermkt.

Reaching half-time two goals up came as a huge surprise. The lead courtesy of two expertly taken Callum Wilson goals rather than any tactical superiority displayed by the Hammers. How refreshing to have a main striker who understands the role with an opportunistic eye for goal. A great shame he’s not half a dozen years younger.

Apart from the goals, West Ham had been happy to surrender possession for most of the half. But in doing so, managed to limit the Bournemouth threat to a handful of half chances. Aside from a couple of dangerous Malick Diouf crosses, the wing backs rarely left their own half. Both Jarrod Bowen and Luis Guilherme looked uncertain in their narrow roles and too often they occupied the space the wing backs were meant to run into. As a front three, they were never close enough to operate as a functioning unit. And there were never enough attacking bodies in the box at any one time.

Still, it was a nice position to be in at the break. A third win on the bounce was certainly not out of the question. Until everything started to go wrong.

First change (46 minutes): KWP for Guilherme. There was some debate whether this was a tactical switch or due to injury. Introducing KWP had worked well in previous games as a wide midfielder in front of a back four. He appeared to have little idea what to do or what was expected of him as a theroretical part of a front three. Either George Earthy or Soungoutou Magassa would have made more sense as Guilherme replacements.

Second change (52 minutes): Tomas Soucek for Wilson. This was wrong for two reasons. One, it was far too early to take off Wilson who had showed no signs of tiredness – the look on his face said it all. And two, Soucek was the wrong replacement. Deploying him as the main striker was laughable. Iraola had withdrawn one of his central defenders at the break and this change played straight into his hands. The switch should have been delayed for at least another 15 minutes with either a straight Niclas Fullkrug swap or moving Bowen into the centre and introducing Magassa or Earthy behind.

Third change (74 minutes): Fullkrug for Fernandes. A contender for the Most Stupid Substitution of The Month award. Leaving aside the fine individual exploits of Wilson and Alphonse Areola, Fernandes was the standout West Ham performer again. Had Brian Clough been in the dugout he would have hooked Soucek straight off again, having seen how far off the pace he is now in open play. But no, Nuno took off the one player capable of putting in a tackle and holding on to the ball. As it was, Fullkrug was hardly involved – either isolated or lazy depending on your point of view – and Fernandes’ absence opened gaping holes in the midfield for Bournemouth to breeze through.

It beggars belief that any professional manager or coach would come up with Nuno’s cunning five part plan to defend a lead: abandon all attacking intent, remove any outlet for retaining possession, defend as deep as humanly possible, resort to punted upfield clearances to no-one in particular, and invite wave after wave on attacks on their own goal. Madness, surely! It was a basement level of cowardness and caution that would leave even the Moyesiah reeling with embarrassment. And remember, these were tactics developed in the full knowledge that the club has a collection of the flakiest defenders in living memory.

There is often a debate as to whether the on-field approach is down to the players or the tactical instructions prescribed by the coach. All I can say is that at no time did I see Nuno imploring his team to push up or demanding that a higher defensive line be adopted. I can only assume he thought it made sense.

Every watching West Ham supporter would have been fully aware it was only a matter of time before Bournemouth started scoring. It was good fortune that they ran out of time after drawing level. There could have been little argument if they had racked up another two or three goals.

At the final whistle, the disappointment was as much about the manner as the fact of losing a two-goal lead. One second half goal attempt (in the 51^st minute) and 22% possession after the break says it all. Only eight touches in the opposition box all game and no saves for their keeper to make illustrate the luckiest of snatched points, not a hard-fought draw.

The Hammers ended the weekend just outside the relegation places on goal difference. It’s going to a much tougher struggle at the bottom of the league this year. Although two of the promoted clubs currently sit below us, they are stronger sides than we saw promoted the season before. Clubs have learned that survival chances improve immensely when you have physically imposing players scatered around the team. In the modern game it is almost a pre-requisite for every player to be quick, athletic and strong. A lesson that a succession of West Ham managers have been slow to learn.

A shrewd transfer window in January is now essential for survival. And then I read of links to Adama Traore. It’s enough to tear out the few remaining hairs on my head. COYI!

Do West Ham have a cunning plan to continue their recent run when they travel to the South Coast to face Bournemouth?

Before sitting down to write this preview I have recently been watching a re-run of some Blackadder episodes. That might explain any strange references that have crept in.

Ah, Bournemouth versus West Ham. A fixture so tantalising, it could make even Baldrick’s turnip quiver with anticipation. On one side, Bournemouth, a club whose recent home form is so impressive, you’d think they’d discovered the secret to footballing alchemy, winning four of their last five at the Vitality Stadium and scoring goals with the reckless abandon of Lord Flashheart at a dinner party. Their defence, however, is about as watertight as a leaky rowing boat captained by a drunken sailor, with clean sheets rarer than a cunning plan from Baldrick. However they’ve lost their last two games and conceded seven goals in the process. But in mitigation they were away from home at Villa and Manchester City, two sides in top form that have each picked up 15 points from their last five games. They’ve fallen from second to ninth in no time at all collecting eight points from their last six games (only one more than us). If they fall any further they’ll need a miner’s helmet and a note from their mother explaining their absence from the top half of the table.

West Ham, meanwhile, arrive with the confidence of a man who’s just realised his trousers are on backwards. Seven league defeats already, and our away form is so patchy, it could be mistaken for a moth-eaten pair of Blackadder’s best socks. Our defence has been leaking goals faster than Lord Percy’s brain leaks common sense, and yet, like a stubborn medieval lord, we refuse to go quietly. Having spent much of the season stumbling like Lord Percy at a masked ball we have now achieved the sort of back-to-back victories usually reserved for fairy tales. Firstly we despatched Newcastle with a 3-1 flourish, a home victory as rare as a Mads clean sheet, and then not content with that, just like London buses another one came along straight away with the 3-2 defeat of Burnley. Without those wins, or if we don’t continue to pick up points in the difficult games ahead then we’ll be in the stickiest of sticky situations since Sticky the stick insect got stuck in the sticky icing on a sticky bun.

Tactically, Bournemouth will look to attack with the speed of a fleeing court jester, while West Ham’s approach to away games so far is best described as “hope for the best and blame the referee or VAR.” Both teams have a penchant for high-scoring games, 71 goals in total have been scored so far in their eleven games played this season, so expect goals and drama. My prediction is for Bournemouth to win, unless West Ham’s defence remembers their job. It could be a rout, or a draw, or, knowing football, and West Ham in particular, anything can happen so perhaps a third Hammers win in a row? When did that last happen?

Bournemouth’s Cunning Plan:

“My lord, our plan is as cunning as a cunning fox who’s just been made Professor of Cunning at Cunning College, Cambridge. We shall unleash the likes of Evanilson, Semenyo, and Kluivert. The idea: confuse West Ham’s defence with movement so unpredictable, even Baldrick would struggle to follow. Evanilson will lurk in the box, ready to pounce, while Semenyo and Kluivert create chaos on the flanks. Our midfield will pass the ball so much, the Hammers will be left dizzier than Lord Percy after a night on the razzle. And of course we’ll try to create as many corners as we can as well as take long throws into their box. We know they don’t like that!”

West Ham’s Cunning Plan:

“Right, chaps, our plan is so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a fox. We’ll defend deep—so deep, our centre-backs may need a map and a packed lunch to find the halfway line. We’ve continued to practice how to defend corners and we’re determined not to concede any more soft goals from set pieces. Our pacier midfielders will link together nicely and then, when Bournemouth least expect it, we’ll launch the ball forward with all the subtlety of Lord Flashheart entering a ballroom. Callum Wilson will dash behind their defence like a rat up a drainpipe. Alternatively if he’s fit to return, Füllkrug (that’s if he’s not already halfway to Milan, Germany or wherever he is going in January) will cause chaos with the grace of a drunken Blackadder at a royal banquet. Bowen and Summerville will add pace and trickery. Well that’s the plan anyway. And if we still lose, we’ll blame the referee, VAR, the pitch, the weather, Sullivan and Brady, and possibly the alignment of the stars.”

We have just six games to play before Christmas. The saying goes that there are no easy games in the Premier League, and the fixtures before the big man comes down the chimney are certainly not easy, in fact we have quite a daunting run. Four of the six are away from the London Stadium with just two at home. We face the teams (in this order) who are currently 9^th, 8^th, 7^th, 11^th, 6^th and 2^nd in the current table. Following this weekend’s trip to Bournemouth, there is another away game on the south coast at Brighton, as well as two visits to Manchester. In the two home games we face Liverpool and Villa. The six points from the last two games were invaluable in ensuring we were not cut adrift in the bottom three, but at least tagged on to the teams above, but some adverse results in the games coming up and it could change again, and not for the better. We would probably be happy to average a point a game in those six before two home games between Christmas and the New Year at home to Fulham and Brighton take us to the mid-point of the season. Ten points from the next eight would take us up to 20 at half-way which is probably close to where we need to be to ensure a further season in the Premier League.

West Ham v Burnley Preview: Ninety Minutes of Clarety At The Bottom Of The Table

A pivotal test for West Ham as Burnley visit the London Stadium for a basement Premier League clash. Can they build on last week’s win over Newcastle or is it back to the drawing board for Nuno?

Last weekend’s victory against Newcastle was as spirited on the pitch as it was surprising for fans. Joy and disbelief at last brought a smile to supporter’s faces; and put a spring in their step. A shaft of sunlight breaking through the London Stadium gloom as a run of four successive home defeats was put to an end.

Who knew that energy, commitment and determination from the players might energise the crowd and create a positive, noisy atmosphere in the stadium? No-one is ever going to be roaring on a string of needless sideways and backward passes. If you want supporters to be the 12^th man, then give them something to shout about. Something that gets them off their seats – other than to avoid the crowds in the half-time bar or Stratford Underground.

What must be remembered amidst the euphoria of victory now that the dust has settled is that this was just one game. Just as winning at Nottingham Forest in August turned into a false dawn, it would be foolish to declare a corner turned until consistency in approach, spirit and performance levels has been demonstrated.

A safe return to the calmer waters of mid-table obscurity will not be assured without resolution to the striker debacle – as early as possible – in the January transfer window. Until then, the jaws of relegation will be an ominous threat to the Hammer’s survival.

Team selection should for today’s game should be a no-brainer. If it is not the same eleven who started last week, then something is seriously wrong. Only the insanity of a coach with psychotic delusions of tactical genius would seek to make personnel changes following the rare display of cohesion in the Newcastle game. Surely, Nuno has learned his lesson from the six valuable points recklessly sacrificed to Brentford and Leeds.

On the other hand, a touch more adventure on the bench would be a welcome change. But with Callum Marshall, George Earthy, Preston Fearon, Ezra Mayers and Mohamadou Kante all turning out in the U21’s 3-0 defeat of Liverpool last night, this may be wishful thinking. Stocking the bench with four defensive midfield players and with no place for a striker severely limits the game changing options available.

Today’s fixture sees another early season six pointer with the visit of newly promoted Burnley. The Clarets sit one place above West Ham with three more points on the board. To date, they have recorded victories at home to Sunderland and Leeds, and away at Wolves.

In football’s golden age of bobble hats, wooden rattles, terraces, slide tackles, muddy pitches, magic sponges, maximum wages and Brylcreem, Burnley were one of the country’s leading sides. A 1960’s version of Brighton built upon community, continuity, scouting and player development. They won the First Division in 1959/60, reached the European Cup quarter-finals in 1960/61 and were runners-up in both the league and FA Cup the season after.

However, the 1970s saw a steady decline. They were relegated to the third tier in 1980, to the fourth tier in 1985 and in 1987 only avoided dropping into the Conference on the final day of the season. For all West Ham’s many failings, they are one of just eight clubs never to have fallen below the top two tiers since joining the league – yet!

Today, Burnley FC, like an increasing proportion of the Premier League, has American owners – the same group also owns Espanyol in Spain – who will be aiming to consolidate the club’s position in the topflight following a yo-yo series of promotions and relegations. It will be a huge achievement if they manage to pull it off with a relatively inexperienced squad.

Although few of the Burnley team are household names, their manager (Scott Parker) and captain (Josh Cullen) need no introduction to West Ham fans.

Parker had four excellent seasons in a West Ham shirt at an individual level. He was a three-times ‘Hammer Of The Year’ and even managed to win the Football Writers’ Association Footballer of the Year award during the Avram Grant relegation season.

He has had a chequered career since turning to management, winning promotions at Fulham, Bournemouth and Burnley but never being able to sustain the momentum in the top tier. It is a paradox of football management when up-and-coming coaches defy expectations to win promotion but then carry the can for failing to bridge the financial gap that the Premier League represents. Burnley’s previous manager Vincent Kompany provides a fascinating contrast, however. Described as naïve, stubborn and inexperienced during a hopeless 24-point relegation season at Turf Moor, he now boasts a 75%-win ratio since landing on his feet at Bayern Munich.

Cullen is a former West Ham academy product who was never able to make it at his boyhood club. With less than ten league minutes to his name across three substitute appearances, Cullen was eventually transferred to Anderlecht before settling at Burnley in the summer of 2022.

For those enamoured with football stats (other than the ones that really matter) the conclusion might be that the visitors are a very poor side. The lowest xG, fewest shots, most saves, highest xG against, lowest pass completion and lowest possession. Yet they are second only to Tottenham in terms of goals scored to shots on target and have outscored West Ham 12 to nine this season. Defensively, they feature towards the top end on blocking shots, interceptions and clearances.

This will present a very different challenge for West Ham than the Newcastle game. While the Magpies were poor on the day, the game remained open as they focused on attack whenever possible – they simply didn’t do it at all well. Burnley, by contrast, will look to defend in numbers, maintain a compact shape and seek opportunities to counterattack at pace along the flanks.

Breaking down organised walls of defensive resistance has not been a core West Ham competency of late. Do we have the guile, inspiration and ruthlessness to carve openings and take the few chances that come our way? The West Ham creative juices need to be in full and effective flow for a change. This is the kind of game where the first goal will prove critical to the complexion of the match and the way it develops.

It goes without saying that a second successive home win in seven days – ahead of yet another dull international break – would be a massive bonus. Show us what you can do, boys. COYI!

Nuno Re-Discovers His Selection Mojo As West Ham Come Together For A Rare London Stadium Victory

Now you gotta believe us, we’re gonna finish seventeenth! A fresh outbreak of optimism resonates around the London Stadium as the Hammers see off the disappointing challenge of Newcastle United.

Well, that went better than expected, didn’t it?

When I first learned yesterday’s match was scheduled for a Sunday afternoon, I had hoped it was because Newcastle would be returning from a gruelling trek to the easternmost reaches of Kazakhstan for a midweek Champions League fixture. Sadly, that was not the case. All they had needed to contend with was an EFL cup-tie with Tottenham in their latest Spursy iteration.

With West Ham having recorded just three home wins in the previous 12 months – and having lost all four at the London Stadium this season – it promised to be a tough afternoon at the London Stadium.

The good news was that Nuno Espirito Santo had kept away from any mind-bending psychoactive substances before making this week’s team selection. Delusions of left-field tactical brilliance were abandoned, and sanity was restored to the tactics board. A few personnel changes were in place but it was largely back to the basics that had promised much at Everton.

Despite having the strongest possible eleven on the pitch, the early omens were not good. No sooner had Jarrod Bowen’s fine 4^th minute shot cannoned off the upright than the Hammers once again found themselves a goal down. Max Kilman stranded up-field, the defence stretched and Malick Diouf allowing Murphy too much room to rifle home. It was not the start we were hoping for.

In his excellent match preview, Richard likened West Ham’s season to a clapped-out Vauxhall Astra, coughing and spluttering its way along the motorway (as a one-time Astra owner, I was rather perturbed by his choice of model – just don’t mention his Singer Chamois!) Would this early reverse become another hard shoulder to cry on? Was yet another collapse on the cards? How the Hammers reacted might prove a pivotal test of character.

To their credit, the team reacted magnificently. Heads didn’t drop and confidence slowly grew. Who could have predicted that picking pacier players and deploying them in their correct positions would produce much-improved performances? Intensity, energy and desire replacing hesitancy, confusion and negativity. To return to the car analogy: pistons had been realigned, timing corrected, handling improved and the windscreen wipers no longer came on when indicating to turn right.

There were fine performances all over the pitch. Alphonse Areola assertive in his penalty area. The defence compact and solid with the usual gaping midfield hole in front of it removed – we might also doff our caps to Nuno for having the idea of the centre-backs swapping sides. The midfield was energetic, organised and committed. Freddie Potts rightly received the plaudits for the effective simplicity of his game, and the maturity of his first Premier League start, but Mateus Fernandes was also excellent – from crunching tackles to astute passing. And Lucas Paqueta has never played a better ninety minutes for West Ham, despite the frequent falling over being increasingly ignored by referees.

The front three demonstrated a refreshing degree of movement rarely seen at the London Stadium. Bowen and Crysencio Summerville were hungry, available and prepared to carry the ball forward, while Callum Wilson operated as a centre forward should in such a system. Occupying defenders and creating space as the focal point for attacks.

With Wilson unlikely to last the whole game, it was disappointing not to have a backup striker on the bench. The implication is that Nuno doesn’t fancy Callum Marshall. But was it really necessary for Tomas Soucek, Soungoutou Magassa, Andy Irving and Guido Rodriguez to take up four of the allocated spaces?

While the ends may have justified the means, Nuno’s substitutions had introduced an overdose of anxiety into the closing stages. The Hammers finishing the game with three full backs and three central defenders and most of the pace and potential out-balls withdrawn. Hopefully, this was a ‘needs must’ strategy rather than a sign of things to come.

We must say a few words about Big Tom as his half-hour supporting role was Soucek in a condensed nutshell. Getting a boot in the chest at one end when diving in where others fear to head. Then popping up at the other to bundle home the goal that settled our nerves. And in between? About as effective as one of those inflatable tube men you see outside car dealerships.

At face value, it is difficult to reconcile how a team can apparently transform from being a lazy bunch of mercenaries who simply don’t care one week, to becoming a committed, hard-working, cohesive unit the next. My personal view is that it comes down to belief in what you are being asked or instructed to do. Belief underpins individual performance, team dynamic and tactical execution. If you don’t have it, and the margins are paper thin in elite level sport, then your opponent will exploit it. Without belief you will not recover from setbacks like yesterday’s early goal.

So, no more square pegs and round holes and we might start to see upward momentum. And that should lead to fewer taunts about laziness and not caring. The catch though is the lack of quality in depth to cope with injuries and suspensions. We have a mid-table first eleven but a bottom six squad.

It wouldn’t be a Premier League math without a sizeable proportion of the afternoon being taken up by extended VAR reviews. It is difficult to argue with the toenail precision that is now applied as the letter of offside calls rather than to the law’s original spirit. The penalty review, however, was far more perplexing.

The rationale for reversing the decision was based solely on the defender touching the ball before Bowen got to it. That he crashed recklessly into Bowen’s side at the same time apparently having no bearing on events. In any other European league, it is a definite penalty. Even if we choose to interpret the laws differently in England (let’s take back control) then why was the same criteria not applied to an identical incident when Potts was penalised for a tackle a matter of minutes later?

One of the money-making developments that I truly dislike in the modern game is the prevalence of change strips. It’s not a proper Barcodes team if they’re not wearing traditional black and white stripes. Taking the field decked out in Al-Shearwah Saudi Arabian green just isn’t right. According to AI, very few football teams wear green because it clashes with the grass. Sounds improbable but perhaps explains why Newcastle were so poor?

The visitors fearsome and expensively assembled attacking threat never materialised. After the opening goal went in they posed few problems. Woltemade has earned a big reputation but on the day looked as clueless as the succession of failed strikers who have turned out for the Hammers over the years. And as Prince Vultan once asked: “Gordon’s Alive?” Even the Hammer’s long-running nemesis Harvey Barnes failed to make even the slightest impression.

I sense Eddie Howe has plateaued at Newcastle and will soon be known as Eddie Who. My two shillings has already been staked on Andoni Iraola becoming the Magpie’s boss by the start of next season.

Watching Howe complain about West Ham adopting his patented time-wasting tactics was most amusing. The cynicism has the hallmarks of a Nuno innovation who employed it routinely at Forest last season. The mysterious case of a goalkeeper with cramp in both legs is a first and was comical in the extreme. I wish Alphonse a speedy recovery.

A great win. Time now to build on the momentum. COYI!

Will West Ham be hammered again? Are the Magpies ready to nail down the points in the London Stadium?

If West Ham’s season were a car, it would be a clapped-out Vauxhall Astra, coughing and spluttering its way up the Premier League motorway, hazard lights blinking, and the “check engine light” glowing brighter than the London Stadium floodlights. The Hammers’ start has been so poor, even their own shadows seem reluctant to follow them onto the pitch.

West Ham’s recent form is like a leaky umbrella in a monsoon—utterly useless. Six defeats in their last eight, and the only thing falling faster than our league position is the optimism of our supporters. The new manager, Nuno Espírito Santo, is trying to plug holes in a ship that’s not just sinking but actively inviting water in for a swim.

Meanwhile, Newcastle arrive with the confidence of a magpie in a budgie cage. Yes, they’ve had their own wobbles, defensive injuries, and a few patchy results, but compared to West Ham, they look like a well-oiled machine. Eddie Howe’s men have enough firepower to make the Hammers’ backline quake like a jelly on a washing machine.

The Hammers have conceded more goals than any other team in the Premier League so far (20 in just 9 games) and have the worst goal difference (-13). We’ve found the net just 7 times (only Forest have scored fewer goals), and we’ve picked up just one point in the last six games (even Wolves have two!). Our defence facing Newcastle’s attack will be like a sandcastle facing the incoming tide. And woe betide even giving away corners. With nine goals conceded from set pieces (no other team has let in more than three) the danger begins every time the ball is placed in the quadrant by our corner flag.

Newcastle haven’t been a free scoring side themselves, only averaging one goal a game in their nine games; only the bottom three (including ourselves) have scored fewer. But on the other hand they are mean defensively; only conceding eight (only four teams have conceded fewer goals).

Just wait until you see the team sheet! Some of Nuno’s team selections look like they were picked by spinning a wheel of fortune to pick the player and then throwing two dice to decide on the position. He never did manage to throw nine. Nuno is trying a new style of tactical innovation that is hard to comprehend. He tried it once and it didn’t work. So what was the solution? That’s right – try it again. So as we prepare to face Newcastle keep an eye on the line-up. We can probably expect a performance that’s less ‘101 Greatest Hits’ and more ‘Now That’s What I Call Confusing 101’!

Up front with Nuno the false nine is all the rage. This is a striker who doesn’t actually play as a striker but instead wanders around like a lost roadie looking for the stage door. The opposition centre backs get the cigars out while they are left marking empty space, while the false nine is busy dropping deep because that is where he really wants to play. Effectively it’s like playing without a striker at all. It’s like Phil Collins playing ‘In The Air Tonight’ without his drum kit.

Who came up with the idea of inverted full backs? Is this a Nuno invention or do other teams do it? Why play Scarles at right back? I don’t think he’s played there before and if he has, it doesn’t look like he has. And at the same time why play Wan Bissaka or Walker-Peters at left back which is Scarles natural position. They can play there if necessary but surely they are both better suited to the right back role? And when this inversion doesn’t work why not try it again? Unbelievable Jeff. Ollie Scarles shoulder injury will probably ensure that Nuno doesn’t try this one for a third time.

If West Ham manage to win, and I’d love it just love it (insert Kevin Keegan voice) if we can beat them and pull off the shock of our season. But it would be as surprising as finding a twenty pound note in an old coat pocket. More likely, Newcastle will leave London with three points and we will be left searching for positives like a miner with a broken torch. Although football managers always do manage to find positives even after being defeated.

Come on you irons! Surprise me.