Bubbles, Bubbles, Toils and Troubles – West Ham’s Spooky Season -A poem for Halloween – ‘The Curse of the Claret and Blue’

As told by the ghost of Bobby Moore, forever watching over West Ham

My name is Bobby Moore, Sir Bobby to the fans
Although my boots are long hung up, my spirit haunts the stands.
I drift through empty terraces, unseen but ever near
A claret and blue ex-captain, I’ll whisper in your ear.
I watched them train on Halloween, ‘neath Friday’s haunted moon
Nuno’s boys looked weary, has all hope gone this soon?

At Sunderland the curse began, with three goals, no reply
Then Chelsea came to London, all we did was sigh.
Paqueta’s early magic, then five goals rained in fast,
A London Stadium nightmare, the spell was truly cast.
Brentford, Palace, Tottenham, another haunted three
But sadly all the London teams have danced in victory.

And then the new boss Nuno, his clipboard in his hand,
Making team selections no mortal could understand.
His full backs on the wrong side, and no striker in sight
Callum Wilson on the bench, that really couldn’t be right.
Paqueta as a false nine, and Soucek in the middle
Irving in there too, no pace or power, a riddle.

And what about the centre backs, when corners bring us dread,
Nine goals conceded from set pieces, their boots are filled with lead.
I spoke to the squad, my voice echoing through the mist
I’ve got some questions Nuno, a very lengthy list.
Your choices leave us baffled, I know that you’re the boss
Please get it right this time, we can’t take another loss.

The fans still sing my anthem, their scarves held to the sky
But shadows creep along the pitch, and hope is running dry.
The echoes of old triumphs, the roar of distant cheers
Are drowned by restless spirits and mounting modern fears.
The ghosts of Upton Park still wander through the night
They rattle in the rafters, they shiver in the light.

We long for days of glory, for heroes brave and true
But now we’re left with curses and dreams that won’t come through.
The pies are cold and costly, the beer’s a ghostly brew
The players heads are spinning, possessed by something new.
The substitutes are shivering, the bench is freezing cold
They really should be starting that’s if the truth be told.

The spirits of old legends, they gather in the mist
Sir Trev is juggling pumpkins, Di Canio shakes his fist.
Billy Bonds is howling, defend that haunted post
Sir Trev is floating gently, a most polite old ghost

Now here comes Sir Geoff, people on the pitch, how?
They think that it’s all over, it certainly is now.
The shot that hit the bar, ghosts gather and they groan
But even in the afterlife the answer’s still not known.

Martin Peters drifts by, with a pumpkin on his head,
He’s nutmegging the phantoms, his shirt 16 and red.
Arriving late as ever, that’s how he gets his kicks
And that is why he’s known as the ghost of 66.

Alan Devonshire’s dancing, his hair a haunted mop,
He glides through spectral midfielders, they trip until they drop.
He conjures up a cross, it swerves and disappears—
The keeper’s left bewildered, the crowd erupts in cheers!

Julian Dicks arrives, he’s come straight from a rave
He scares off all the wingers, none of them are brave.
A sweet left-footed penalty, he shoots with all his might
But if he played with Nuno he’d be moved to the right.

So heed this haunted warning to every claret and blue heart
The curse can yet be broken, but all must play their part.
Believe in West ham’s spirit, let courage see us through
And maybe then we’ll lift, the curse of the claret and blue.

And through the misty darkness the bubbles start to rise
They shimmer in the moonlight, heading to the skies.
They fly so high as they nearly reach up to the sky
But just like our dreams they begin to fade and die.
Our fortunes forever hiding as we look around in despair
Just keep on blowing bubbles, pretty bubbles in the air.

Now the midnight bells start chiming and the fog rolls off the Thames
The legends fade to shadows but the dream it never ends.
Raise your scarves to the heavens as the voices haunt the night
For every ghost in claret and blue still yearns to see us fight.
With fortunes always hiding, pretty bubbles shining through
One day we’ll break the curse and make our dreams come true.

A review of West Ham’s visit to Southampton on Boxing Day

Hopefully you’ve seen Geoff’s excellent review of our win at Southampton which raised us up to the dizzy heights of 13th in the Premier League after being stuck in 14th for most of the season so far. Here is a slightly different take on the game.

Is Santa a West Ham fan or not?

Santa’s NOT a West Ham fan
It’s very plain to see.
Soler’s missed an easy chance
And its only 3.03.

Santa IS a West Ham fan
It wasn’t long to wait.
The Saints have fluffed a headed chance
It’s only 3.08.

Santa’s NOT a West Ham fan
The Saints are getting bolder.
Kilman’s had to leave the field
He’s gone and hurt his shoulder.

Santa IS a West Ham fan
When Kilman’s off in pain.
Fabianski makes a save
When the Saints should score again.

Santa’s NOT a West Ham fan
Fab’s whacked in the face.
A long delay, he’s carried off
Areola in his place.

Santa IS a West Ham fan
Saints should have scored again.
They could have gone ahead by now.
The ref has added ten!

The first half lasted 56
It’s up to you now Lop
After Soler’s early miss
The Saints have been on top.

Santa’s NOT a West Ham fan,
Rodriguez sees red,
VAR’s a West Ham fan
It’s now yellow instead.

Santa IS a West Ham fan
Not very long to wait.
Jarrod Bowen once again
Taps in on 58.

Santa IS a West Ham
We really like to tease
The Saints are surely going down
We should beat them with ease.

Yes, Santa IS a West Ham fan
Southampton poor but plucky
We’re not playing all that well
But just a little lucky.

A review of West Ham’s visit to Bournemouth, a preview of the Brighton game, and a tribute to Jarrod Bowen, via Rudyard Kipling.

If we’d been offered a point on the day,
At the Vitality we’d nod and we’d say
“Gladly yes”, but we didn’t forsee
How close we came to getting three.

Frustrating it was, we led so late,
But a sloppy free kick then sealed our fate,
The wall stood tall, we knew the drill,
A draw was deserved, for home fans a thrill.

Bournemouth’s shots twenty-nine in all,
Only nine on target that I can recall,
The first half was goalless, frantic and fast,
We matched them at first but how might it last?

A controversial call, we cared not a jot,
As up stepped Paqueta and scored from the spot.
A few moments later the Hammers undone,
Enes Umal’s free kick and the score was one-one.

Lopetegui’s tactics – he asks for more time,
We saw some improvement, but we need to climb,
We’re stuck down at fourteenth, a pretty poor show,
We’ve let in too many, our midfield’s too slow.

On Saturday it’s Brighton; so is it a sin
To hope for three points and pick up a win?
But one win from fourteen, just one that’s right,
At the Amex last season a 3-1 delight.

Seven games at home, top-flight pickings are thin,
We’ve lost two and drawn five but never a win.
But go back twelve years when second tier still,
A great Vaz Te hat trick, we beat them six-nil!

The Seagulls in London, ten winless they find,
The losses and draws must be haunting their mind,
Our recent home form has been on the rise,
Ten points from five is a pleasant surprise.

When Brighton face battles against top half foes,
With five wins in nine their confidence grows,
But with teams near the bottom they falter and strain,
Just one win in seven in a season’s refrain.

When taking set pieces we used to be best,
We still have the tools to make it a test,
Kudus with dribbling can dazzle and gleam,
Bowen’s goals and assists are great for the team.

A Premier clash under a Saturday sky,
Can we win, and go to Christmas on high?
I just have a feeling we’ll win this for sure,
Brighton may score but we’ll score one more.


I wonder if you know the old joke from Donald McGill, famous for his saucy seaside postcards –
“Do you like Kipling?”
“I don’t know I’ve never kippled”.
Rudyard Kipling was an English writer of the late nineteenth and early twentieth century, noted of course for writing amongst many great works The Jungle Book and his poem If. The following is in the style of the latter. So with apologies to Mr Kipling (no, not the one who makes exceedingly good cakes …..) here is a poem to resemble his famous poem If as a tribute to Jarrod Bowen.

If you can keep the ball when all about you
Are losing it, can’t blame it on you;
If you believe in yourself when England managers doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can pass and dribble and not be phased by tackles,
Or keep the ball and ignore the cries;
Or shoot on sight and resist the shackles,
And look so good to everyone’s eyes;
If you can dribble – and not make dribbling your master;
If you can bring others into the game;
If when you lose it’s not a disaster,
But winning the game is your ultimate aim;
If you entertain the fans and play so clever,
Up front, out wide, whatever your role,
Play consistently, be as good as ever,
Win a European trophy with the winning goal.
If you thread it through to make a chance,
Or cross it onto someone’s head,
Or pass to a team mate without a glance,
Or take it on and shoot instead.
If you stay for some time the fans will adore you,
And play like legends of the past have done,
Moore, Bonds, Brooking, Di Canio too,
And what’s more Jarrod Bowen, you’ll be a star my son.

Seasons greetings! Richard.