Match – Page 5 – Under The Hammers

Bottom of the table West Ham visit the City Ground on Sunday

(Part of the Reasons Not To Be Cheerful series)

The range of subjects that can be studied these days is extensive. This week I came across an examination paper set for a group who are on a Football Satirical Studies course. They have to sit a topical examination throughout the duration of the course and this week’s paper related to West Ham. I included a copy of the paper in my article yesterday. There is a follow up paper for keen students where the Nottingham Forest v West Ham game this Sunday is previewed – I thought you might like to take a look.

Football Studies: West Ham vs Nottingham Forest – Hope, Hype & Humiliation Examination Paper

Module: Premier League Prognostics

Date of Fixture: Sunday 31st August 2025

Duration: 90 minutes – After 45 minutes you are allowed a 15 minute break (time may be added on at the end of each half of the exam at the discretion of the invigilator – just ask if you need more time – you probably will!)

Instructions: Answer all questions. Use tactical insight, historical trauma, and gallows humour. Cite Chris Wood sparingly. Emotional outbursts are permitted in moderation, although marks will be deducted (whether justified or not) for expletives. No marks will be deducted for incorrect spelling of Nuno Espirito Santo or Evangelos Marinakis although you are expected to refer to them throughout the answers to the questions. Additional marks will be given for appropriate use of Brian Clough quotes.

Section A: Tactical Forecasting (30 marks)

1. Using Forest’s 3-1 win over Brentford and West Ham’s 1-5 loss to Chelsea, model the expected possession split, shot count, touches in opponent’s penalty area and defensive errors. Include projected minutes until West Ham concede their first goal.

2. Evaluate the threat posed by Chris Wood, who has scored 13 league goals at the City Ground since last season—second only to Mo Salah. How should West Ham’s backline prepare, assuming they remember how to mark?

3. Discuss the impact of West Ham’s belated transfer dealings this week.

Section B: Psychological Warfare (30 marks)

4. Discuss the mental state of West Ham fans heading into the City Ground, where Forest have won their last four home games against the Hammers without conceding. Include coping mechanisms and chants of defiance.

5. Critique Graham Potter’s motivational strategy after two league defeats, eight goals conceded, and one goal scored. Should he quote Churchill, channel Allardyce, or simply apologise?

6. Nottingham Forest are fresh off Europa League qualification. Debate whether this fixture is a mismatch in ambition, form, or just basic competence.

Section C: Creative Prognosis (40 marks)

7. Write a fictional match report for a Forest win. Include tactical breakdown, fan reactions, and a post-match quote from Potter that subtly blames the pitch, the weather or any other laughable excuse.

8. Compose a pre-match team talk for West Ham, delivered by a disillusioned club legend. The tone of the talk should mix part Shakespearean tragedy with part East End pub rant.

9. Design a fan protest banner that captures the existential dread of travelling to Nottingham with zero points and a minus-seven goal difference. Bonus marks for rhyming.

10. “West Ham’s chances this weekend have been described as being like their midfield – thin, confused, and negligible.” Discuss this statement using metaphor, irony, and historical parallels. How will the club’s late flurry in the transfer market this week change the outcome?

Mayday, Mayday: Who Can Save Us From David Sullivan’s West Ham Madness?

A thick-skinned Chairman and thin-skinned Coach promise nothing but despair as West Ham’s abysmal season gets off to the worse possible start. There must be some kind of way out of here!

For many West Ham supporters (probably a majority), it became apparent long ago that responsibility for the underachievement, short-termism and general malaise afflicting the club is down to the leadership of one person, Chairman David Sullivan. A man whose hubris, arrogance, and pretension has led him to wildly overestimate his abilities when it comes to football, despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Someone who refuses ever to learn from his myriad mistakes.

Until this week, it was not a view widely shared or spoken of outside the club’s support. In the wider, passively compliant media, supporter dissent was more likley to be depicted as a display of unrealistic entitlement by fans. Stay in your lane and accept that you are followers of a second level club who should be happy to ride on the coattails of the glamourous elite. That suddenly changed when a shambolic transfer window – and an even worse start to the season – prompted others to question what the hell was going on at West Ham. If you haven’t already come across them, I urge you to read the article in Sunday’s Observer and watch the HITC video on YouTube. Nothing new for the seasoned Hammers watcher but refreshing to discover it being recognised externally.

While this change in perception is a reaction to the dreadful performances over the last week or so, the problems at West Ham stem from a long history of under-investment and mismanagement in the boardroom. As the fortunes of English football have been swept along on a tide of global professionalism, West Ham are left stranded on an island of amateur neglect.

A club based in London with a massive fanbase which regularly features in the world’s top twenty rich list should aspire higher than mere Premier League survival. Otherwise, what is the point. Throw in the uninspired appointment of managers who regard entertainment as an optional extra, add the broken promises over the stadium move and it’s no wonder that dissatisfaction is at an all-time high.

Fewer and fewer sources – those who rely on leaks from Sullivan and family for their insider knowledge I guess – continue to peddle club propaganda regarding the constraints of financial rules and regulations. We have become wise to such attempts at distraction. Whatever financial mess the club finds itself in, it is the direct result of the board’s incompetence in the past. No plan, no strategy, and no-one with knowledge of the game to make key football decisions. Investment in scouting and data analytics is minimal and no thought has been given to the concepts of squad succession. Managerial recruitment has been based solely on who is out of work at the time and player recruitment on agent recommendations and the perceived razzle-dazzle factor of any signing.

The latest risible online ‘EXCLUSIVE’ is that Sullivan proposes to take full charge of recruitment during the last days of the transfer window. Are we supposed to thank the lord, we are saved? In truth, he has been in effective control of transfers since he first showed up. Perfectly able to torpedo any deal he doesn’t like the look of by pitching unacceptable bids or insisting on ridiculous payment terms – undermining his recruitment team(s) and alienating many a selling club in the process.

On the few occasions West Ham have tasted success in the Sullivan era, it has been by accident rather than design. The Dimitri Payet inspired season of 2015/16 and Declan Rice’s contribution to Moyes purple patch are prime examples. Moments of optimism which quickly faded and died once the principal player was removed from the scene.

While sentiments of “Sack the Board” are understandable it is improbable in a scenario where they are the only shareholders. One wonders what the other shareholders must make of it all. If they are indifferent, then it is a huge worry. The best (or only) short term hope lies with them ganging up to oust Sullivan as Chairman and replacing Brady with someone who understands the game. Brady’s reputation as a business guru is also a puzzle.

West Ham’s fortunes are now at their lowest ebb since the desperation of Avram Grant. Relegation odds have been slashed on the back of two abysmal performances with survival hopes pinned on there being three even worse teams to take the fall.

Following defeat at Sunderland, the Graham Potter masterplan was to make a single change, replacing the sluggish Guido Rodriguez with the lumbering Tomas Soucek. I can’t quite put my finger on why this didn’t work or why the defence which was shocking at the Stadum of Light didn’t suddenly become impenetrable. Unsurprisingly, Chelsea were gift wrapped five goals without barely having to break sweat.

The one glimmer of hope in Potter’s disappointing spell last season was that he was able to cling to his mantra of being competitive in every match. This has now been shot to pieces and underlines the flaw in his approach. The style of play means his team are never going to score many themselves and, therefore, require a near perfect defence in order to pick up any points. With a trio of centre backs lacking both the physical and mental toughness to compete in the Premier League, this is almost certain to fail.

There comes a period in almost all West Ham seasons where the manager is given so many games to save his job. It is unusual for this happen before the clocks change but reports suggest that Potter already has just two matches to save his – the EFL cup game at Wolves tomorrow night and Sunday’s league visit to Nottingham Forest. If that is the case (and without the prospect of any timely new recruits), he may as well start packing his bags.

Potter comes across as remarkably thin-skinned for a football manager. He is on record as saying he doesn’t care what people write but if he were to ask my advice this is what I would tell him. Put Alphonse Areola back in goal until it is obvious that Mads Hermansen is match ready; abandon the playing it out from the back nonsense, it is more trouble than it is worth; bin the 3/5 at the back formation in favour of a back four (4-3-3 or 4-2-3-1); pick the best two centre backs at heading the ball; prioritise pace and strength in the midfield as much as that is possibl; push Jarrod Bowen back out wide where he is at his most dangerous; don’t leave out players solely because they have challenged your approach in the past; try not to play anyone out of position or get carried away by what you perceive as your own tactical brilliance; buy some lucky heather.

Potter’s departure wouldn’t bother me at all – his football is as dull as anything – but we just know that whoever follows will be equally unimpressive. Another knee-jerk such as Dyche or Cooper to bore the pants from us. Would any progressive manager be stupid enough to sign up under the current regime? I doubt it.

These are truly depressing times as a West Ham supporter. An early exit from the EFL Cup and pointless in the league until late October is a distinct possibility unless three or four inspired signings emerge in the closing days of the transfer window. COYI!

Reasons NOT to Be Cheerful (Part 3) – West Ham’s woeful start to the 2025-26 season – will it continue when facing the Club World Champions?

October 19^th 1968. Does that date mean anything to you? It does to me. And to Geoff Hurst probably. It was a Saturday that didn’t start particularly well. I was playing football for the school 3^rd year team (I think that’s Year 9 in new money). We were a relatively small school with not a lot of boys to pick from. We (Barking Abbey) were at home and lost the game 8-0 to Dagenham County High. How can you remember such detail I hear you ask? The reason is what happened that afternoon.

With my school mates we headed off to Upton Park to watch the Hammers. We were 14 and could go to games without parents, not that we’d have wanted them with us. I’m not sure that you can go without them these days at that age. I remember lining up in the queue to get in. I think it was 2 shillings (10p) to get in but it may have been a little more. The programme cost 1 shilling. We had eaten our hot dogs from one of the stands in Green Street and were always keen to get in early to take our place on the ‘big step’ in the North Bank slightly to the left of the goal about halfway back. We always bought peanuts (tanner a bag) from the vendor who walked round the pitch before the game and at half time. We threw the sixpence down to the pitch and the bag of nuts was duly passed back.

But I digress. The game that day was against Sunderland. What were our hopes? Well we had started the season with six wins in our first eight games. Martin Peters had scored eight goals in those eight games. Geoff Hurst had scored six in the eight games. Those six wins had included a 5-0, 4-0 and a 7-2. We were third in Division One and at one time had topped the league.

We then went nine games without winning prior to the Sunderland game (although to be fair it included six draws). Geoff thought it was about time he overtook his good mate Martin and duly smashed home six goals against the Mackems (I think only the second double hat-trick scored by a West Ham player). Martin didn’t score that day but Trevor (Brooking) and Bobby (Moore) chipped in as we thrashed Sunderland 8-0. Ironically the first goal in the game took half an hour to arrive but once the goals started to flow it became a rout. Our next three home games that season saw us beat QPR 4-3, Leicester 4-0, and Man City 2-1. I remember them all with fondness for different reasons. We finished the season in a very respectable eighth place. Again, in true West Ham fashion we lost the return game to Sunderland at Roker Park 2-1 just nine weeks later. Geoff Hurst inevitably scored our goal. In fact he scored quite a few goals against them in other games too.

When I was young in the sixties I was always bemused by the older generation fondly telling me about how great football used to be in the days of heavy leather footballs held together by laces. They reckoned the game was better when shorts were longer and hair was shorter and players had a maximum wage. I suppose I’ve probably turned into one of them myself – the ‘it ain’t as good as it were in my day’ brigade!

So let me return to last Saturday’s opening day debacle in the North East. Remember we were playing against a side promoted via the play offs with eight newcomers in the starting eleven. An even first half was followed by an absolute shambles in the second period especially when the first goal went in. The 3-0 loss wasn’t just a bad result it was a performance that screamed fragility, collapse, and so many other words that you could insert. There was no bite in midfield, no pace, no power, no plan, no strategy, three central defenders who couldn’t seem to head a football. The third goal was exactly what I warned about in last week’s article – the 3-5-2 system leading to potential problems when the opponents broke forward at speed leaving gaps in the traditional full back areas. I wrote that better teams would exploit a weakness in the system. If Sunderland did then others will follow. There were defensive gaps that you could drive a bus through and attackers who barely threatened (Bowen excepted).

And now we face a home game against the top club side in the world. Well of course they’re not really but they have just won the Club World Cup defeating teams who we couldn’t even get close to at the moment. Our relegation odds collapsed from 7/1 to 3/1 after just the first game and Potter’s odds have shortened to 2/1 to be the next Premier League manager out. Unless he can manage to galvanise the squad and rectify the ‘oh so many’ issues then we are in a season-long survival scrap.

I hate to write this but surely we don’t have a prayer against Chelsea on Friday night. They have the tactical structure, Palmer’s creativity, Pedro’s flair and Caicedo’s midfield bite that gives them a spine that we cannot match as well as a choice of so many players that we can only envy. They have defensive solidity (6 clean sheets in last 10). Our confidence is surely fragile so is there any hope? In the past I would have fancied us under the lights at home but surely the result is just a foregone conclusion in our current state.

Chelsea have won four of the last five meetings between the sides. Their recent form includes victories over AC Milan, PSG and Bayer Leverkusen. Despite a 0-0 draw against an easily underestimated Palace team, who performed so admirably winning the Community Shield a couple of weeks ago, Chelsea did dominate possession (71%) and chances (19-11 shot advantage). Failure to win at home will have stirred them into upping their game this week. Finishing is a potential weakness and despite creating chances they perhaps lack a clinical edge (am I just clutching at straws?). Maresca will be pushing them for sharper execution in front of goal.

I desperately hope that I am wrong. The Opta supercomputer apparently gives us a 22% chance of winning the game. I find it hard to believe that the figure is that high! Come on you irons! Prove me wrong!

Further Adventures In Blunderland: Potter’s West Ham Are Ruthlessly Humiliated On Wearside

Expectations were low to start with but West Ham’s performance against a hastily assembled, newly promoted Sunderland side was abysmal. There is little hope for improvement unless drastic changes are made in the remainder of the transfer window.

Well, that went well, didn’t it? If any cautious optimism had existed that things might not be as bad as they seemed before kick-off, the thought didn’t survive beyond the half-time team talk. Set your expectations low, they say, and you won’t be disappointed. How wrong can they be. A tame opening day defeat against a team of hastily assembled strangers, tipped by many to be relegation fodder, is about as bad as it gets.

The single moment of passion and energy from the Hammers all afternoon was the reported fracas in the visitor’s dressing room once the game had finished. According to exclusive un-named Under The Hammer’s sources, the commotion kicked off when players ransacked the building in search of their lost dignity and self-respect.

Suspicion for the incident immediately fell on Niclas Fullkrug who has previous for such post-match outbursts. This will be confirmed when he is benched and replaced by Callum Wilson for the Chelsea game on Friday. I sense that Graham Potter is hot on compliant harmony rather than dissent in his squads, even though well-managed conflict can often be the pathway to improved unity and performance.

An opening day defeat for West Ham would not ordinarily ring alarm bells. But it took the tally to just five wins from 19 Premier League games since Potter was appointed first team coach last January. Long gone are the honeymoon days when he was seen as the breath of fresh air replacing the incoherent Lopetegui. As the gloss has slowly worn off, all we hear in press conferences are words we understand but which mean nothing when strung together into a sentence. There is no conviction that a better tomorrow is just around the corner.

Almost all supporters will understand that the problems at West Ham extend way beyond and above the latest in the long line of struggling coaches. The Board love to bleat about the restrictions that PSR places on them while remaining oblivious to their part in the appalling and shortsighted mismanagement of the club’s managerial appointments and transfer business over the past decade or so. West Ham have been a club run on egos and expedience as a substitute for sound business strategy.

Aside from the boardroom malaise, I struggle to understand why Potter has earned such a respected reputation for tactical acumen by the world of football punditry. His record at Brighton was OK enough, but it wasn’t until he left that they really pushed on. After six months in the job, a top flexible coach should be making best use of the resources at his disposal. Not attempting to shoehorn unsuitable players into the only way he knows how to play.

Saturday’s selection surprise was hearing that Mads Hermansen had been handed the goalkeeper gloves despite having next to no opportunity to train with his new colleagues. It led to a debut the Dane will be very keen to forget. Potter having had a fall out with Alphonse Areola perhaps!

Whoever was selected in midfield was always sure to disappoint. It would be a stretch for anyone to assemble a functioning threesome from those available. Including Freddie Potts would at least have resembled a progressive move – and been popular with the fans – but it was not to be. Instead, we were treated to the sluggish back and forth of JWP and Guido Rodriguez together with the wasteful exhibitionism of Lucas Paqueta.

The usual slow and cautious start from West Ham was maybe understandable on this occasion in light of the expected early onslaught from newly promoted Sunderland. Hermansen was called into early action to deny the hosts a goal following a trademark ball watching demonstration by Max Kilman. Yet the Hammers gradually gained the first half initiative with long spells of safe, controlled possession punctuated by occasional impressive interplays such as the move that almost brought a debut goal for El Hadji Malick Diouf. However, possession doesn’t win games and West Ham’s build up play was generally too slow and ponderous to create sustained or serious threats. Watching other Premier League games at the weekend made me wonder why none of the other coaches can see the crab like beauty of the backwards and sideways pass?

If West Ham had been winning on points at the break, that all changed in the second half. Either someone had laced the half-time tea with Valium or else the gaffer’s motivational team talk had managed to send everybody to sleep. The inability to serve up two consecutive halves of acceptable performances has been a feature of games for some time now. Why is this? Poor preparation, inflexible tactics or an absence of leadership in the dugout and on the pitch. Or do not enough players care enough?

Whatever the reason, West Ham offered nothing as an attacking force in the second period. Sunderland sensed the visitors’ weaknesses and opted for a more direct approach which ultimately presented them with the rare phenomenon of two headed goals from open play. You might think this would be an extremely unlikely outcome against a team playing three central defenders. But none of our three are the type to put their bodies on the line or to dominate and bully an opponent. I fear this will be exposed on aregualr basis during the season if left unresolved.

Having gone a goal down the response was to bring on Tomas Soucek and Callum Wilson in place of JWP and Rodriguez – combined age of 61 replaced by a combined age of 63. It showed how poor the bench quality was for creative, young or attacking options. This was apparently Plan B – a hope for best formation – where any pretence at shape and organisation had been carelessly abandoned.

If there can be any positive from Saturday’s debacle, it is that no-one can realistically pretend not to know how bad the current team are. A club that has been treading water in the rising tide of Premier League quality. The hope is that even the West Ham board realise that money must be spent in the next two weeks if topflight status is to be preserved for another year. COYI!

🦀🦀🦀🦀 The official crab rating index for West Ham’s performance against Sunderland is 4 out of 5 crabs.

They Think It’s All Over; It is Now – And It’s A Massive Relief for All West Ham Fans!

It’s nose bleeds all round at West Ham as Graham Potter’s side climb to the dizzy heights of 14th place on the closing day of a dreadful season. Miracles are needed in the next 12 weeks if a repeat is to be avoided.

And so, there you have it. A dull, turgid, unimaginative season is finally over to the relief of the many. The very worst of seasons since the last one we had suffered; and further proof of the futility of raised expectations when it comes to supporting West Ham.

The record books will show the 2024/25 had actually outperformed 2022/23 on most of the metrics in the league campaign. But, of course, those painful memories had been swept away by the euphoria of a famous night in Prague. There was no such redemption this time round though, as woeful Premier League fortunes were equally matched by early, limp cup exits.

It would be nice to think the slate could be wiped clean during the summer; allowing next season – which begins in just 12 weeks time – to be approached with a renewed sense of optimism. Sadly, there is little evidence to suggest the Hammers are capable of metamorphosing into next year’s Nottingham Forest. It would take a transfer window of momentous brilliance and a road to Damascus style conversion for the coach if the side is to be transformed into credible top eight material.

It was already known that Graham Potter would finish the season with a worse record than the manager he replaced in January. The final day victory at Ipswich did make the points per game difference marginal in the end (1.11 vs 1.15). And the late strike by Mohammed Kudus edged Potter ahead of Lopetegui on goals scored per game (1.22 vs 1.20). This in addition to the more significant improvement on goals conceded per game (1.28 vs 1.95). The tiniest crumbs of comfort in the boardroom, perhaps.

The eventual 14^th place finish was ultimately unexpected but was fitting given the amount of time West Ham had been marooned there earlier in the season. Lopetegui’s side had, in fact, spent only one week lower than 14^th, while yesterday’s last gasp win earned Potter his loftiest position since defeat at Chelsea on February 3.

Long time West Ham fans have been raised with a wary eye on disappointment. Even if it sometimes appears to be hiding, in the back of your mind you know it’s never very far away. A couple of decent league finishes and three years of European adventures are now in the rearview mirror as a distant false dawn; an accidental temporary anomaly rather than the first steps of a new golden age. A glance at the club’s record across all prior 38-game Premier League seasons does not lie; there is an underlying equilibrium that centres on a mediocrity which underperforms the club’s financial standing. While the season just finished was undeniably awful, it is not an obvious outlier and sits as 14^th out of 27 for goals scored, and 17^th out of 27 for points won.

Adding to the current pain has been that any pretence of serving up entertaining and enterprising football that was once the West Ham trademark has long been lost and forgotten. For too long, the club has resorted to dull, pragmatist managers whose overriding philosophy has been to concede fewer than the opposition, not to outscore them. Although individual approaches may be different, Potter has done nothing to suggest he is an upgrade on Lopetegui, Moyes or Allardyce when it comes to enterprise. Potter’s media representation as a bright, young coach puzzles in the light of his reputation at Brighton and Chelsea for pointless possession and lack of shot creation. Can or will he prove us wrong over time?

The Ipswich game was a largely unremarkable affair punctuated by several well-taken goals. West Ham enjoyed plenty of early possession but (unsurprisingly) made few penalty area entries. Once again, the team selection left us scratching our heads, with the inclusion of just two attack minded players in front of the most workmanlike midfield imaginable. Fortunately, Ipswich contrived to lend a hand by gifting the Hammers the lead just before the break; Jarrod Bowen’s assist setting up James Ward-Prowse for his only goal of the season.

Parity was restored early in the second half when Jean-Clair Todibo (who played all afternoon as if under the influence) couldn’t be bothered to put in a challenge, allowing Broadhead free access to stroke past an exposed Lukasz Fabianski.

The Hammers finally put the match to bed courtesy of fine strikes from Bowen and Kudus. The first, the result of neat interplay between Bowen and Aaron Wan-Bissaka before the skipper blasted home from just outside the area. According to Tony Gale the ball continued to gather pace as it went, despite this being scientifically impossible. You cannae change the laws of physics, Galey! The second arrived when Kudus exchanged passes with a ‘rampaging’ Guido Rodriguez to curl home and put the result beyond doubt. A low key game with low key goal celebrations. No Ward-Prowse golf swing, and no Kudus advertising hoarding pose. I wonder how many of those featuring will still be with us come the end of the summer!

***

I’ve always been of the view that the only statistic than wins games is goal scored. Nevertheless, who doesn’t like a selection of improbable Premier League statistics (harvested from the FBRef site) which show how West Ham players compare in the statistical scheme of things. Here are the categories which feature Hammers in the top ten leader board positions for the season.

Assists: Jarrod Bowen (Joint 10th)
Goals + Assists: Jarrod Bowen (Joint 9th)
Shots on Target: Jarrod Bowen (Joint 8th)
Goals per Shot of Target: Tomas Soucek (Joint 9th)
Goals minus xG: Jarrod Bowen (4th)
Through Balls: Lucas Paqueta (10th)
% of Dribblers Tackled: Max Kilman (1st), Jean-Clair Todibo (7th), Aaron Wan-Bissaka (Joint 9th)
Blocks: Max Kilman (8th)
Interceptions: Aaron Wan-Bissaka (1st)
Clearances: Max Kilman (5th)
Successful Take-Ons: Mohammed Kudus (2nd), Aaron Wan-Bissaka (7th)
Successful Take-On %: Max Kilman (3rd)
Minutes Played: Max Kilman (10th)
Yellow Cards: Lucas Paqueta (Joint 10th)
Aerials Won: Max Kilman (5th), Tomas Soucek (Joint 8th)
% of Aerials Won: Konstantinos Mavropanos (7th), Max Kilman (10th)
Fouls Drawn: Mohammed Kudus (Joint 5th), Lucas Paqueta (7th)
Save Percentage: Lukasz Fabianski (2nd)

The curtain will fall on West Ham’s season with a visit to Portman Road

It was only Nottingham Forest for heaven’s sake! Having said that, I’ve got to give them some credit for the astonishing achievement of qualifying for European football next season. Who would have guessed it? Last season they finished in seventeenth place. This time they have more than doubled their points tally from the last campaign. We could still end up there (17^th) if we don’t win at Ipswich and both Manchester United and Tottenham defy the odds to finish their poor domestic seasons and beat Aston Villa and Brighton respectively, both of whom still have something to play for.

Forest could even still qualify for the Champions League, and it will probably be a disappointment, albeit slight, if they don’t after holding one of the qualifying places for so much of the season. Nevertheless, any European qualification is good as we know from a couple of seasons back. How we would love to be there again! A Conference League spot would be a decent consolation though, but with their last game coming up at the City Ground against an inconsistent Chelsea side, they will be confident of making the premier European competition.

Watching last weekend’s game against Forest I didn’t believe that we were ever going to score a goal after the first minute. But our captain, Jarrod Bowen was on the pitch and his wonderful touch and finish five minutes before the ninety were up and all of a sudden Forest looked nervous. West Ham finally came alive. At least there were some better attacking options on the pitch by then compared to the defensive nine we started the game with. With a small amendment to a quote by (in my opinion) the best football writer of all, Brian Glanville, who died recently, until the changes, “our midfielders seemed to wander around the pitch like well-intentioned dinosaurs”.

Eleven minutes was held up on the board but Forest’s time-wasting display with players laying down like sleeping lions, and more weird and pointless VAR checks, meant that it turned out to be another 21 minutes. In truth it should probably have been even more but another game was kicking off shortly and the people at Sky were getting nervous. Despite some promise in those final minutes the only real chance came when Sels pulled off a fine save from Fullkrug’s header.

And what about the officials? Recently the standard in so many games I’ve watched has left a lot to be desired. This game was no exception. I really hate to be critical as it is a massively difficult job. They may well understand the rules but so many of them don’t really seem to understand the game.

Graham Potter suggested it was an even game. Really!? He said we came up a bit short. A bit?! The Premier League Match Centre said that the referee’s call of goal was checked and confirmed by VAR, with Milenkovic in an onside position and Dominguez in an offside position but deemed not to be impacting on play. It took me about 20 seconds at most to see that when the picture was shown on the screen. But why did it take them six minutes? I’m afraid that is just not spectator friendly. In fact it is a disgrace. Was it the late Bill Shankly who once said “if a player is not interfering with play or seeking to gain an advantage then what the hell is he doing on the pitch?” or something like that. But then the offside rule like the handball rule and several others really needs to be looked at further, don’t they?.

The defeat brought the curtain down on a miserable season with spectators at the London Stadium enduring a torrid time with just five wins in nineteen games. We beat Ipswich, Manchester United, Fulham, Leicester and Wolves. Teams currently occupying 19^th, 16^th, 10^th, 18^th and 14^th places.

Every summer is important in preparation for the season to follow, and this one even more so with mounting unrest surrounding Graham Potter and increasing pressure on the board as frustrations grow among the fanbase, many of whom appear to have serious doubts as to if he is the right man for the job. Four wins in eighteen matches since taking over from Lopetegui doesn’t even match the record of his sacked predecessor and they are statistics that take us back to the days of Avram Grant. He doesn’t seem to be able to turn things around or get the new manager bounce that sometimes happens. We’ll have to see if he can do better with some players of his own choosing.

The slow, lethargic style with lots of short, sideways and backward passes that may pad out the possession statistics is leaving fans bored. Not to mention the fact that we are among the worst team in the league for shots and goals since Potter was appointed. The atmosphere at the London Stadium is flat which doesn’t bode well for season ticket sales ahead of the crucial summer window in which West Ham have made it clear (according to some?) that they have little money to spend without selling players first. Apparently, Sullivan only wanted to give our new boss a six month contract but was persuaded otherwise (with Everton waiting in the wings to give him a longer contract?). If there is any truth in that I wonder what the position would be now? It’s not hard to guess. I’m sure Everton are really pleased with the effect Moyes has had (so far anyway).

So here we are facing an away trip to Portman Road to close the season. Relegated Ipswich are the only team that we have put four goals past, in fact we only managed three once (Fulham). Our opponents will be up for it, hoping to end the season on a high and with a possible chance of moving up one place and the extra (£3 million?) that would bring them to boost their finances for their return to the Championship. We too have the incentive of possibly finishing above Wolves and also remaining above Manchester United and Tottenham, adding more funds to the kitty. But how much enthusiasm is there in the players? Ironically at least two of the departing players, Coufal and Cresswell had decent games against Forest and really looked up for it.

There are likely (and need) to be big changes in personnel in the summer. Two players who may go but I’d like to keep are Guilherme and JWP. In his (very limited) cameos Guilherme has shown to me that he possesses potential and looks like the type of player we need. He is still young I know but why hasn’t he been given a bit more of an opportunity?

Unlike most fans I believe there is a place of JWP in the team. I appreciate some of his limitations, but I would see him in a role similar to a quarterback in American football. His striking of a deadball is an asset, but I believe his inclusion in the team would work if he is supported in midfield and attack by players with pace, (not Soucek, Paqueta, Alvarez, Rodriguez etc). Also, if Soucek is retained for his ability in both penalty areas, then again it would only seem to work for me if he too is supplemented by skilful attacking footballers with pace.

It will be interesting to see if any of our loanees who return, or academy players, can stake a claim for a place in the squad if they are good enough. Apparently, Potter has said he wants to reduce the size of the squad, so I guess that should mean one or two places for these players if they are up to it. Scarles, Casey, Orford, Kelly, Marshall, Earthy, Potts. Perhaps a couple of these? Perhaps others? I’ve no idea but it would be sad if none of them come through wouldn’t it?

My player of the season? No surprise it has to be Wan Bissaka by some distance. What a buy he has turned out to be. Bowen has done well once again too. Nobody else really stands out for me. I’m looking forward to the return of Summerville next season as I believe he has great potential.

So, another summer of big changes, wondering who will leave and who will arrive. Yet again I wonder if we can get it right this time? Who knows?

Who Do You Think You Are Kidding Mr Potter If You Think West Ham Are Done?

With Potter’s ‘competitive’ Hammers tumbling to the eighth defeat of his reign, he is now destined to end the season with a worse record than the derided and sacked Lopetegui. Where on earth do we go from here?

Whatever the outcome of West Ham’s season closer at Ipswich next weekend, Graham Potter will end the season with an inferior points per game record to the sacked manager he replaced. Being unable to raise even this lowest of bars makes a mockery of his claim that the team have become more competitive under his stewardship. How can a football team be more competitive, yet the outcomes be worse? The operation was a success, but the patient died!

One wonders what Potter’s objectives for the season were when he sat down on day one at the Rush Green training ground. Time would, of course, be needed to get to know the squad of players he had inherited; their strengths, their limitations and how they would fare as part of a possession-based team. But after that, what next? What if the players were not suited to his preferred style of keep the ball at the expense of anything else football? What if his mission to become tighter at the back could only be achieved by stifling the attacking threat of your most valuable players? Experience suggests there was no apparent plan for such scenarios. No desire to find an equilibrium between the ‘vision’ and what the resources could deliver. Just carry on repeating what didn’t work, or couldn’t be accomplished, regardless. The pursuit of perfection as the enemy of good.

If a significant proportion of the squad are unlikely to be still at the club come the start of next season anyway, why fixate so stubbornly on converting them to an alien style of play in the interim? And why not use the risk-free time for experimentation and to take a look at the club’s youth?

The predicament has been no more obvious than in the games played at the London Stadium. The record speaks for itself: two wins and four defeats in nine games with just ten goals scored. Hardly the stuff to keep supporters entertained or on the edge of their seats. Where there have been decent performances (or results) they have all come in away games. The coach has spoken about turning performances into points, but no home fixture springs to mind where the team picked up fewer points than deserved.

It was a rinse and repeat performance for Sunday’s visit of Nottingham Forest. Flattered by the previous week’s success against a disinterested and demotivated Manchester United, Potter elected to field an unchanged starting eleven. He obviously anticipated no downside to pitting the world’s slowest midfield against an opponent famous for the speed and precision of their counterattacks. Oblivious also to the idea that supporters might welcome a display to shout about in the final home game of a dismal season. What has so often been celebrated as a carnival occasion had turned into a wake. Leave them wanting more, isn’t that what they say? Who in their right mind would want more of what the coach has served up so far?

As ever there was an all too brief opening flurry from the Hammers. A lively start that saw a smart save from a Tomas Soucek header and a moment where Vladimir Coufal might have broken his West Ham goal scoring duck. In his post-match comments, Potter said they had tried to be on the front foot, but it was never going to last long with the unambitious lineup he had chosen. True to form the visitors first took control of the game, if not possession, and then took the lead when the folly of playing out from the keeper was mercilessly exploited by the impressive Gibbs-White. It is clear to even the most casual observer that Alphonse Areola is like a deer in the headlights with the ball at his feet, and yet the tactic has persisted.

For a team that scores so few goals, falling behind is a routine fatal error. Not once this season have West Ham recovered from conceding first to win a game. It was a record that never looked like coming to an end this time either. Forest were happy to concede possession, sit deep in the knowledge their opponents lacked the craft and imagination to break through, and wait patiently for the opportunity to score a second.

In a break with tradition, the Hammers passed on the half-time substitution ploy in favour of a quadruple change just before the hour mark. The switch had an immediate impact when the visitors doubled their lead shortly afterwards. Two changes at the break and two on the hour would surely have been less disruptive.

However, with the slowest players removed and the introduction of several with a more progressive mindset, the intensity of the West Ham attacks increased. An intensity fuelled by a growing frustration at the visitor’s blatant and unpunished time-wasting tactics.

This game has to be up there with the worst ever when it comes to the combined efforts of the officiating team. The referee was criminally weak on the time wasting and play acting employed by the visitors – a tactic that descended into embarrassing as the clock ticked down. He had lost control well before the end and the bizarre drop ball sequence that preceded the final whistle. Meanwhile VAR taking six minutes to decide whether an offside player had impacted play or not was a further example of how it has failed to fulfil its original purpose of checking for obvious errors. It has taken on a life of its own to look for things that no-one wanted from it and which had never been an issue in the past. If the authorities want to take action to improve the integrity of the football, then it should look at eliminating the cancer of dark arts that is increasingly creeping into the game (I’m looking at you, Nottingham Forest). Not checking for sub-millimetre offside calls.

We were at least treated to a wonderful Jarrod Bowen goal before the game ended. To repeat what many others have said: where would we be without him? There was also a very respectable cameo from the talented Luis Guilherme in the closing stages. Why haven’t we seen more from him – or from the academy players come to that – given the overall pointlessness of the past dozen games or so? And what the hell happened to Andy Irving who after a promising start at Chelsea has only played one more minute of first team football.

Thankfully, there is only one more game of the campaign to endure. I’m assuming we will start next season with Potter in charge but there is a mountain for him to climb if he is to convince as the right man for the job at West Ham. Even if he and Macaulay do manage to work wonders in the transfer market (and I believe their contribution to Brighton’s success in that area is wildly exaggerated) there are still many questions as to how well the football fits with supporter expectations. The media holds him in high esteem, but I do wonder what that is based on. It’s not from winning games and enterprising football. COYI!

A Tale of Two Cities – London v Nottingham; West Ham v Nottingham Forest, the final home game of a season that many fans would like to forget

Last week I looked for inspiration in writing my article to my good friend Bill Shakespeare. It worked in that we won our first game following eight winless matches. So once again I turn to another good friend, this time Charlie Dickens. I gave him some background to this week’s game and he has written this week’s preview for me. He begins with an extract from a book written by one of his ancestors and then goes on with his thoughts written in a similar style ……

An extract from the first paragraph of Charles Dickens’ A Tale of Two Cities 1859,

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us”

“Pairs of contrasting words in the opening lines could be interpreted to illustrate the disparities between the fortunes of West Ham and Nottingham Forest as the season draws towards its conclusion. It was the best of times for Nottingham Forest. It was the worst of times at West Ham United. It was a season of light at the City Ground, it was the season of darkness at the London Stadium. It was the spring of hope for Forest aiming for the Champions League, it was the winter of despair for the Hammers who were fortunate that there were three very poor sides who would be relegated to the Championship. In Nottingham they have everything before them, at West Ham we do not know what we have before us.

Our team, West Ham, a team of valiant spirits, find themselves in a state of relative tranquility, with no fresh injuries to report before the anticipated visit of Nottingham Forest. The unfortunate Crysencio Summerville remains sidelined, grappling with the affliction of a hamstring injury, I don’t think we’ll see him again before the new season dawns. The resilient Michail Antonio, too, who is on the mend from a grievous broken leg; will we see him in a claret and blue shirt again? Nottingham Forest, too, face their own trials, with forward Taiwo Awoniyi convalescing after an abdominal surgery, after an unfortunate and potentially life-threatening collision with a goal post last weekend which will undoubtedly raise calls for assistant referees to flag for offside more promptly. The surgery, according to the esteemed head coach Nuno Espirito Santo, has proceeded favourably. The fate of Murillo and Callum Hudson-Odoi, both beset by hamstring woes, hangs in the balance, awaiting assessment before the impending contest.

West Ham, in their storied history, have triumphed in five of their six Premier League home encounters with Nottingham Forest, succumbing only once. Yet, the Reds stand on the precipice of a historic achievement, poised to complete their first league double over the Hammers in forty-one years. The Irons, steadfast and resolute, have remained unbeaten in eight home meetings with Forest in both league and cup, a streak that commenced in the distant February of 1999. The most recent victory, a 2-0 triumph over Manchester United at Old Trafford, has ended a disheartening run of eight winless games, rekindling hope and ambition.

Graham Potter’s side, emboldened by their recent success, aspire to secure consecutive top-flight victories for the first time since February, when they had vanquished Arsenal and Leicester. The Hammers, on the cusp of drawing four top-flight home games in succession for the first time since April 1985, are determined to uphold their proud record of not losing their final home league fixture in any of the past seven campaigns, a period marked by five wins and two draws.

Jarrod Bowen, a player of remarkable prowess, has been directly involved in six goals in his last six Premier League outings, finding the net four times and providing two assists. His ambition to score in four successive league games at the London Stadium would mirror the feat last achieved by Jesse Lingard in April 2021.

Nottingham Forest, on the other hand, have tasted victory only once in their last six Premier League encounters, drawing twice and suffering three defeats. Nevertheless, their prowess on the road is undeniable, having secured nine top-flight away victories this season, second only to the champions, Liverpool, who have won eleven. Forest’s triumph over Burnley at Turf Moor at this juncture last season has set the stage for their quest to win their final away league game in consecutive campaigns for the first time since the seasons of 2006-07 and 2007-08 in League One.

Anthony Elanga, with ten top-flight assists to his name this term, stands on the brink of equalling Bryan Roy’s Premier League club record of eleven assists in a single campaign, a record that has stood since the 1994-95 season. Chris Wood, too, has etched his name in the annals of Forest’s history, becoming only the second player to score twenty Premier League goals for the club in a single campaign, a feat last accomplished by Stan Collymore, who netted twenty-two goals in the 1994-95 season.

The current form guide, a curious and unexpected revelation, shows the East Londoners with the upper hand, possessing six points to Forest’s five. Historical encounters, totalling 121 to date, hark back to an FA Cup game in 1911, and also give a slight edge to the Hammers with 48 wins to 47, with 26 draws.

A victory in this game guarantees that West Ham will finish above both Manchester United and Tottenham, one of whom surprisingly shall play in next season’s Champions League, following their defeats on Friday night. This is but one incentive. Such a triumph would secure us 15th place at the very least in the final table. Depending upon results elsewhere, we could even ascend to 13th place, a position we have only achieved in seven weeks of this dismal season.”

Thanks Charlie. I enjoyed that. I may call upon you again.

Groovin’ On A Sunday Afternoon: West Ham’s Dad’s Army See Off Manchester’s Young Rascals

A welcome win for West Ham against an awful and disinterested Manchester United side in the weekend sunshine. Does it tell us anything we didn’t know? Probably not!

If you had woken suddenly from a season long coma to the news that West Ham had completed the double against the mighty Manchester United – and climbed above the two ‘big six’ Europa Cup finalists in the league table – then you might have been fooled into thinking this must surely be a time of great joy. A reason for good old east-end knees-up.

Surely, it had to mean Champions League football at the London Stadium next year with a victorious open top bus parade already planned. Only later would it be realised that the game was in fact an inconvenient, end-of-season affair. A match between two of the bottom six where, due to a bizarre alignment of the planets, the hapless Red Devils are still in with a shout of qualifying for the Champions League. Whatever the one-game-at-a-time mutterings from the Manchester United manager, next week’s final is clearly a far greater priority than was the visit of West Ham for Matchweek 36.

At a club where baffling team selections have become as commonplace as a chorus of Bubbles, scientists were able to measure reaction to the announcement of Graham Potter’s starting eleven on the Richter scale. Niclas Fullkrug and Edson Alvarez were once again left on the naughty step, there was not a youth player in sight, an unnecessary full back shuffle, and (as a coup de grace) a recall for the much-maligned Guido Rodriguez. It was the Argentine’s first start since the home defeat by Crystal Palace in mid-January. Not a player that we had ever expected to see line up in the claret in blue ever again.

Even by West Ham standards it was a very old team. An average age of 29.6 – six players aged over 30 and just one younger than 25. Confidence was low that the Premier League Dad’s Army would have any chance of putting an end to the dismal run of eight games without a win.

What we didn’t know, however, was that agreement had been reached to play the game as a demonstration of walking football. With a level of intensity expected at an OAP’s Sunday morning tai chi lesson on the Common. Ironically, it was ideally suited to many of our players whose undoubted training ground competence is routinely undone when put under pressure by fast pressing opponents. Fortunately, Manchester United did none of that. Either because they lack the players to execute it or were more concerned about picking up injuries in advance of their trip to Bilbao.

It is between amusing and surprising to see the poor value and quality that poses as the present-day Manchester United squad. Assembled at huge expense it is prima facie evidence of how not to run a football club. It’s possible that some of the younger signings will turn out to be future gems, but overall, you would have to say their transfer policy is even more shoddy than the Hammers. The exception to the rule is Bruno Fernandes who appears to have carried them single handedly over the past four of five seasons. So ineffective were they in attack that it was only after the introduction of Harry Maguire that the threat level was raised in the West Ham defence. I had read an article at the weekend that Hojlund was eager to prove himself at the highest level. It made me wonder whether he had considered a career change to scaffolder.

Predictably, the West Ham goals were scored by Tomas Soucek and Jarrod Bowen. Together, they have notched over a half of their side’s Premier League total this season. I am conflicted about the contribution made by the big Czech. You couldn’t hope for more committed player and, of course he regularly weighs in with important goals from an otherwise impotent midfield. Yet, he is anonymous for long periods allowing the game to pass him by. Is that enough in the modern game where speed of thought and action – press, pass, carry – have set the standards of midfield play?

To be fair, Soucek had a decent game; put in some important blocks and even got involved in the exhibition of one touch passing that the Hammers put on towards the end. But that was the story of the game for other West Ham players too. Given time and space they can look at home at this level. Sadly, it all falls to pieces against quicker, aggressive opponents.

Despite sitting on an apparently comfortable 2-0 lead, it wouldn’t be a West Ham game without a nail-biting finale. In his wisdom, Potter elected to remove Bowen and Mohammed Kudus in a double substitution on 73 minutes with both players looking equally unimpressed with the decision. Removing his only out-ball runners is a tactic that hadn’t worked well for the coach in the past, so he decided to try it once again anyway – just in case. It immediately invited extra pressure as the Hammers found it increasingly difficult to clear their lines. Was it part of Fullkrug’s punishment to abandon him up top without any recognised service or support?

Still a win is a win; and they don’t come along frequently enough to belittle. I am not sure we learned anything new from the experience, although we are now TOP of the bottom six and can go into the remaining two games with a modicum of positivity. The magical 40-point mark has been reached, and if another four can be mustered it will raise Potter’s points-per-game above that of Lopetegui. I suppose that would be progress of sorts!

The opening gambit in the annual player clear out was revealed a few days back with the announcement that Aaron Cresswell, Vladimir Coufal, Lukasz Fabianski, and Danny Ings would be leaving the London Stadium in the summer. The signing of Ings was a monumental blunder for both club and player. Another casualty of not bothering to sign a striker that suits your style of play. While I find it hard to associate millionaire footballers with the concept of being great servants, the other three have each had distinguished careers at the club. Cresswell’s 11 years at West Ham (360+ games, 11 goals) deserve our recognition and the opportunity for his greatest send-off since that night in Frankfurt; Coufal will not now get the chance to equal Tomas Repka’s modern record of the most games played by an outfield player without scoring; and Fab will fall eight short of 100 career Premier League clean sheets (43 at West Ham). We wish them well. COYI!

Manchester United v West Ham – For Amorim: Much Ado About Nothing, For Potter: All’s Well That Ends Well

It should have been easy. Sitting down with three games of the season to go, last week at home to a Europa Cup finalist, this week away to the other Europa Cup finalist. It should have been boiling up to a thrilling climax to the season. But no, quite frankly I don’t think I am the only one who has lost interest and can’t wait for it to end. But wait indeed, I have an article to write.

For Amorim the game is Much Ado About Nothing. For Potter, yes it has been a winter of discontent but he hopes to make it good in the summer transfer window and he is hoping that that All’s Well That Ends Well. So, being stuck for inspiration I turned to my friend Bill Shakespeare to see if he could write something to thrill the reader. “The task is a difficult one, my friend Richard,” was his first reply. “Manchester United have nothing to play for, West Ham have been rubbish, and I know nothing of this game you call football.”

“Bill,” I replied “thou dost protest too much. What if I pay you twenty sovereigns and give you an insight into the match, the injuries and the form?”

“As you like it” he said, “but don’t tell anyone I wrote it as the mere mention of my name makes the readers eyes glaze over, inducing not so pleasant school flashbacks”.

Two teams both alike in 15 and 17,

At Old Trafford where we lay our scene…..

Act I: The Injured Warriors

Scene I: Manchester United’s Camp

Enter Ruben Amorim, the head coach, with Harry Maguire.

Ruben Amorim: Oh noble Maguire, thou art weary and wounded, Rest thee now, for thy valor hath been proven. The Europa League’s triumph, a testament to thy might, Yet, in this battle, thou shalt not fight.

Exit Harry Maguire.

Ruben Amorim: Chido Obi, return to the fray, For midweek’s absence, thou shalt repay. But alas, de Ligt, Zirkzee, Martinez, and Dalot, Still sidelined, their presence not forgot.

Enter Chido Obi.

Chido Obi: Coach Amorim, I stand ready to serve, With strength renewed, I shall not swerve. The Europa League’s absence, now behind, In this Premier League clash, my place I find.

Scene II: West Ham’s Camp

Enter Edson Alvarez, returning from injury.

Edson Alvarez: Three games I missed, my back in pain, But now I return, to fight again.

Enter Crysencio Summerville on the balcony.

Graham Potter: Crysencio, Crysencio, wherefore art thou Crysencio?

Crysencio Summerville: Who’s there? Is that you boss? Our strength shall not wane, In this battle, our hopes shall gain. For West Ham’s glory, we shall cheer, with courage and pride, we persevere. I’m getting better, my fortune’s mixed. But best of all the hamstring’s fixed!

Enter Michail Antonio

Michail Antonio: Though we are absent, our spirits remain, In West Ham’s heart, we shall sustain. With Crysencio, my friend, together we stand, Supporting our team, with a helping hand.

Act II: The Battle of Statistics

Scene I: The Head-to-Head Clash

Narrator 1: Manchester United, unbeaten at home, For sixteen games, West Ham’s hopes they comb. Thirteen wins, three draws, last four without conceding, The Hammers’ victories, a rare proceeding.

Narrator 2: Yet, West Ham’s recent triumphs, three of four, As many victories as in twenty-eight before. A league double, they seek to complete, Since 2006-07, a historic feat.

Scene II: Manchester United’s Struggles

Narrator 1: Eight Europa League wins, Amorim’s pride, But in the Premier League, six victories denied. Six games without a win, a dire streak, Since 1992, their longest, too bleak.

Sixteen league losses, a season’s shame, Eight home defeats, a tarnished name. Since 1962-63, such woes they faced, A campaign of sorrow, their hopes displaced.

Scene III: West Ham’s Woes

Narrator 2: Eight league fixtures, without a win, A longer run, since 2011’s sin. No comeback victories, a tale of despair, Southampton and Ipswich, the only other pair.

Four away wins, clean sheets they keep, Sixteen games on the road, so often they sleep. Fourteen points from fifteen, Potter’s reign, Only relegated clubs can match the pain.

Narrator 3: Potter’s record against Manchester United, Unbeaten in three, his hopes ignited. A victory at Old Trafford, Brighton’s delight, in August 2022, such a memorable night.

Act III: The Final Showdown

Scene I: The Battle Begins

Enter Manchester United and West Ham players on the field.

Narrator: The stage is set, the warriors ready, Manchester United and West Ham, steady. A clash of titans, a tale of might, Who shall emerge victorious, in this fight?

Enter Ruben Amorim and Graham Potter, the head coaches; they shake hands.

Ruben Amorim: Potter, thy team shall face defeat, For at Old Trafford, we shall not retreat. Our home, our fortress, our pride, In this battle, we shall not be denied.

Graham Potter: Amorim, thy words are bold, But West Ham’s spirit, strong and old. We seek a double, a historic feat, In this clash, we shall not retreat. So shaken as we are, all’s well that ends well

The players confront each other, tensions rising.

Ruben Amorim: West Ham, beware, for we are strong, At Old Trafford, we belong. Our history, our legacy, our might, In this battle, we shall fight.

Graham Potter: Amorim, thy words are fierce, But West Ham’s resolve, thou shalt not pierce. Our determination, our will, our fight, In this battle, we shall unite.

The whistle blows, the battle begins.

Narrator 4: The stage is set, the warriors clash, Manchester United and West Ham, in a flash. A tale of might, a tale of pride, Who shall emerge victorious, in this ride?

Well, what do you think of Bill’s efforts? A bit over the top I reckon. It’s hard to get excited but thanks Bill, you’ve done your best.