A West Ham Winter of Discontent, Nuno Espirito’s Panto and Pussies in Boots

The clocks have changed, the nights are drawing in, and the biting winds of winter whistle hauntingly around the vast, hollow, soulless stadium. Where the air had once been thick with excitement, noise and expectation there is now only silence, stillness and disappointment.

Discarded fast food containers dance aimlessly – chaotically – around the deserted concourse. A metaphor for the waste and negligence inflicted upon supporters for the past ten years or more. The giants of the footballing world who thrilled the crowds here with their Rabonas and Panenkas will become long forgotten memories. Replaced by the echoing shouts of Oxford United players as they fade into the night sky above the cardboard supporters sitting motionless in mothballed upper tiers.

 As a final East End ignominy. The prospect of Millwall taking the Hammers place in the Premier League.

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There is an old joke that West Ham come down with the Christmas decorations. Should that happen again this season, we are in even more serious trouble than the meager return of 16 wins (and 66 points) from the 66 Premier League games between January 2024 and this weekend indicates.

It is, apparently, the worse start to a West Ham season since the 1973/74 season. If your memory goes back that far, the Hammers also had just four points from the opening nine games (four draws). They recorded their first win in match number 12 and were rock bottom of the table on Christmas Day. A Boxing Day win at Chelsea heralded the slightest of improvement and relegation was eventually avoided by a single point and goal difference (or was it goal average back then?) Billy Bonds was leading scorer with 13 goals, Manchester United were relegated, and West Ham went on to win the FA Cup the following year.

The farcical events that occur at West Ham can often be often painted as a pantomime. There’s Baron Hardup in the boardroom, more than our fair share of villains (Ince, Defoe, Lampard) over the years, and countless scenes of slapstick comedy defending to leave you rolling in the aisles. It is heart-warming, therefore, to learn that Nuno Espirito Panto is committed to maintaining this welcome club tradition.

“Nuno is going to use the same bonkers tactics and formation at Leeds that failed so miserably against Brentford.”

“Oh no he isn’t”

“OH YES HE DID”

“Look behind you, it’s only Wolves”

It is surely pure coincidence that three of Nuno’s clubs (past and present) are currently occupying all the three relegation places.

It is incomprehensible how someone who is paid millions to be an expert on these sorts of things could have analysed the Brentford game and concluded that what was needed was to try it again. Watch any Premier League match and all the other teams are stacked with fast, mobile, athletic players – especially in the heart of the midfield. What is our answer? Tomas Soucek and Andy Irving – with Guido Rodriguez in reserve.

For all his warrior-like commitment and occasional aerial dominance, Soucek has neither the pace, agility, control or passing ability to compete at this level. I had previously questioned why Irving hadn’t been given more opportunity. Well now he has, and unfortunately, he’s not the answer either.

As for the underlapping/ inverted full backs (call them what you will) this has proven to be as nonsensical an innovation as Lucas Paqueta as a False 9.

Based on the Everton performance, I had anticipated at least four points from the last two games. Why the need to change the setup so radically? And what a shambles to have to use most of your substitutions twice in one week simply to correct the mistakes of the original selection. Throwing away six points on the whims of smart-aleck experimentation in what should have been winnable games was the height of foolishness. Points are going to be at such a premium this season.  

One must wonder if Nuno is suffering from not having a trusted lieutenant and adviser by his side. Someone with the courage to ask the awkward question, “are you sure about this, boss?” whenever the latest tactical epiphany pops into his head. In true West Ham style, penny pinching prevented the coaching staff being included in the appointment package.

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The attitude of the players has been rightly questioned by supporters. And from the sidelines there does appear to be an absence of fight, determination and leadership on the pitch. Heads drop far too quickly when the inevitable soft goals are conceded as they were at Leeds. What I can’t decide is whether this is down to individual character – are they ‘pussies’ who just don’t care? Or do the timid performances emanate from a lack of confidence and belief in the way they are being asked to play. We hear from the players after every defeat about “rolling up our sleeves” but will that really make an appreciable difference to performances?

The small margins involved in elite levels of sport are impossible to quantify. Any slight drop in standards, any sign of weaknessor apprehension will be ruthlessly exploited by well-prepared opponents. I watched the Sunderland win at Chelsea at the weekend, and it was an object lesson in how a team – largely assembled from the second level leagues of Europe with no player costing more than £27m – can compete with the rich clubs when they have athleticism, confidence and bravery on their side.

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A sense of ‘resignation to our fate’ is gradually taking root in online fan discussions. Some are even ambivalent about the prospect of relegation despite the nightmare scenario that a half-empty London Stadium for the visit of Stevenage would present.   

I’ve yet to join the ‘relegation is a certainty’ camp although pinpointing three worse teams is not easy. Three from Wolves, West Ham, Nottingham Forest, Fulham, Burnley and Leeds look likley to be the probable candidates.

There is no obvious embarrassment of riches at West Ham. It is a squad assembled with no particular plan or purpose in mind. A lucky dip jigsaw where each of the pieces has been selected from a different puzzle. Centre backs chosen to play out from the back but who struggle with the basics of defending, a mishmash of full backs and wing backs, a surplus of midfield players but none capable of carrying the ball forward, wingers encouraged to pump crosses into the box without anyone in the middle to meet them. It is Nuno’s challenge to get them to fit together.

In theory it shouldn’t be impossible to find a core eleven from this highly paid bunch of internationals. One that will stick to the basics of 4-3-3 and can easily hold its own against the majority of lower table opposition. Don’t try anything daft and place the focus on the younger, fitter, pacier members of the squad. The immediate objective is to not lose touch by the opening of the January transfer window. Then be prepared to get business done quickly. At long last make a belated attempt to address the obvious striker and centre back deficiencies.

This may well be a pipe dream given previous experience with transfer windows. But surely even our board are not stupid enough to risk their asset value being cut in half by dropping into the Championship. In fact, the current precarious predicament may already have slashed the club’s market valuation. If there were hopes of a quick sale by the current owners these feel increasingly unlikely.

To what extent the club will be able to spend in January – either from a cash flow or PSR perspective – will be dependent on raising additional funds from player sales. Unfortunately, years of poor recruitment makes the list of saleable assets a very short one. It may entail unpalatable sacrifices. The 2025 accounts should be published before the window opens and the exact size of the hole the club is in will be revealed. What a mess! COYI!