Lists – Page 5 – Under The Hammers

Counting Sheep – 10 – The Letter S

The latest alphabetically challenged West Ham lineup. The managerless letter ‘S’.

Counting Sheep It has been good fun trying to come up with West Ham all-time football teams where the players surnames all begin with the same letter. Some letters have proved to be more difficult than others resulting in combined teams, but the letter S is one where I can think of a whole team.

So far I’ve picked nine teams, “B”, “C”, “D”, “F”, a combined “G” and “H”, a combined “J”, “K” and “L”, a combined “M” and “N”, a combined “P” and “Q”, and “Vowels”. So here is the result of my brain training exercise with West Ham footballers whose surnames begin with “S”.

Standen
Stewart
Schemmel
Stephenson
Stimac
Sinclair
Song (A)
Sissons
Sealey (A)
Sheringham
Slater

Players left out include keepers Stech, Srnicek, and Les Sealey, and outfield players Rigobert Song, Spence, Solano, Sakho, Small, Speedie, Slater R, Stanislas, Swindlehurst, Strodder and Suker.

It’s funny when you try to think of a team in this way. Before I started I thought that S would have been a letter from which I would pick a very strong team, but I don’t think it matches some of the others I have selected. I’ve probably missed someone obvious. Would you have selected any of the players that I omitted from my final XI?

And who would manage the S team? I may be wrong but I don’t think we’ve had a manager whose surname begins with S. So this team is managerless at the moment.

Counting Sheep – 9 – The Letters P and Q

Another combined team in the alphabeti spaghetti tangle of Hammer’s dream teams.

I’ve really enjoyed putting my thinking cap on and trying to come up with West Ham all-time football teams where the players surnames all begin with the same letter. When I began I thought that I would be able to make teams out of most of the letters of the alphabet, but it has proved to be a little more difficult than I envisaged. The original aim was to help me drop off to sleep instead of the more traditional method of counting sheep, but now it has turned into a brain training exercise (always useful when you reach my age!).

So far I’ve picked eight teams, “B”, “C”, “D”, “F”, a combined “G” and “H”, a combined “J”, “K” and “L”, a combined “M” and “N”, and “Vowels”. P is next and I was able to think of enough names to form a team. But thinking ahead to Q, that was one letter where I knew I would fail. I realised that I would have few options there, so once again I decided on a combined team, this time the P’s and Q’s. So I’ll mind my Ps and Qs, combine my Ps and Qs, and hope you don’t mind!

My all-time West Ham “P” plus “Q” Team in a 4-4-2 formation are:

Parkes
Parris
Pearce (I)
Potts
Pearce (S)
Paddon
Parker
Peters
Payet
Pearson
Quinn

I think you’ll agree I have picked a very strong midfield. Players left out include Pantsil, Pike, Powell, Poyet, Parks, Piquionne, Pogatetz, Porfirio and Quashie.

Have I forgotten someone really good who is a must for the P/Q team? And I can only remember one P/Q manager; Alan Pardew.

Counting Sheep – 8 – The Letters M and N

Another combined team in the search for alphabetically themed West Ham teams.

This all began with me selecting teams of West Ham players whose surnames all started with the same letter. The aim was to help me drop off to sleep instead of the more traditional method of counting sheep.

So far I’ve picked seven teams, “B”, “C”, “D”, “F”, a combined “G” and “H”, a combined “J”, “K” and “L”, and “Vowels”. M comes next and it was easy to write down enough names to form a decent team. But thinking ahead to N I realised that I would have few options there, so once again I decided on a combined team. There are at least four stand-out captains in this side, although the one and only Sir Bobby would be the choice for this role.

My all-time West Ham “M” plus “N” Team in a 4-4-2 formation are:

Miklosko
McDowell
Martin
Moore
McCartney
Malcolm
Moncur
Noble
Nolan
McAvennie
Morley

So who have I left out this time? McKnight, McAllister and Mackleworth are three keepers who would have received very few votes when being compared to my selected custodian, Miklosko. Outfield players (M) were Mascherano, Morrison, Musgrove (perhaps the unluckiest to be omitted), Mullins, Moses, McAnuff, Maynard, MacDougall, Maiga, Margas, McGiven, McCarthy, McQueen, Mellor and Minto. The Ns included Neighbour, Neill, Nene, Newell and Nordtveit. Some very good players have not been included plus some who didn’t pull up any trees in a West Ham shirt.

Have I forgotten someone really good who is a must for the M/N team? And I can only remember one M/N manager. I’ll bet you don’t think of him as one of our most successful managers; Lou Macari.

5 Things From West Ham v Boro

What are we to deduce from the latest West Ham travails against Boro?

Slav Loves to Try Out New Positions

New father Slaven Bilic can’t resist trying out a new position. This time we had Antonio playing the role of lone striker, Ogbonna moved to left back and Tore……….,well Tore was also on the pitch somewhere although it wasn’t totally clear what he was supposed to be doing. To be fair Antonio made as good a fist at his new role than any of the specialists employed so far this year, and at least brought some energy to the party. Also Ogbonna was good enough defensively at left back although was unable to offer much going forward. The re-shuffle saw Byram return, albeit temporarily, at right back with Abeloa joining Lanzini on the bench.

Tempo and Approach

Of all the Premier League football I have seen this season no other team plays with such a slow tempo as do West Ham. I am never too bothered about possession statistics but if you are conceding possession then the response needs to be pace and movement. We have not demonstrated either of these attributes except maybe in very short bursts. To me it is impossible to deduce what style of play we are actually aiming for. Our two most dangerous players Payet and Antonio are generally out wide leaving no creativity in the central areas with a huge gap behind the lone striker. It improved to some extent when Lanzini came on but even then we failed to exploit the momentum following Payet’s wonderful equaliser. We clearly didn’t bring the kitchen sink in the move from Upton Park.

You Have Scored One with No Passes

I have not looked to see what the statistics were for pass completion. They might be quite good but all passes are not created equal. My guess is that our most common combinations are Noble back to Collins and Collins to the opposition. For a team who have centre backs with such poor distribution it is ironic that we use them so frequently as the springboard for our attacks. Not that it is entirely their fault as their are few options available by either the central midfield players or static frontmen. Years ago Ron Greenwood used to say that West Ham play on their toes; this is definitely not the case at the moment. Several times what looked like promising attacking positions ended up with the ball back with Adrian. Even free kicks around the half way line end up going backwards. It is a very strange tactic. I don’t recall from the game any sequence of quick passing that engineered an opening or a half chance; even against one of the weakest sides in the division. The ability to pick out players in space is well below standard and, as for the kick for touch from the kick-off, that was straight from the Graham Taylor coaching manual..

At Last a Defensive Midfielder

I was pleased to see Pedro Obiang start. Partly because I don’t believe he has been given much of a chance since he was signed and partly because we have desperately needed a dedicated defensive midfield player. I though he acquitted himself pretty well performing better both with and without the ball than anything we have seen fro Nordtveit. Although it was only Boro, the defence looked more solid yesterday apart from the lapse at the corner; whose idea was that goal-line technology? I hope Obiang gets a run in the team with possibly Fernandes coming in to provide some spark in a more attacking central midfield role.

A Chance Would a Fine Thing

If you ever played Sunday morning park football you may remember that a high percentage of goals were the result of the hopeful ball forward where either the defender misjudged it or the striker muscled him out of the way. Like a cruder version of Leicester tactics and the game plan that we now seem to have adopted but without players of the right quality. I still can’t see a future for Zaza but, in mitigation, the way we are playing is never going to suit his style; even Dennis Bergkamp would have struggled. We created no chances from open play and had to rely on a stunning solo goal to salvage something. OK, so Noble was unlucky to hit the bar, Antonio should have done better when he did muscle his way through but other than that there were just a few pointless long range balloon shots. The Boro keeper could have brought a book along to keep himself occupied. Carroll might be an upgrade on Zaza but our best hope is for both Ayew and Sakho to return physically and mentally prepared.

Counting Sheep – 7 – The Letters J, K and L

Cheating a little now as we compile the alphabetical Hammers challenge.

Counting Sheep What began as a cure for insomnia on warm summer nights has begun to turn into a bit of an obsession. It all started with me trying to select teams of West Ham players whose surnames all started with the same letter.

I’ve picked six to date, “B”, “C”, “D”, “F”, a combined “G” and “H”, and “Vowels”. Moving through the alphabet my next letter was J, and I managed to write down 10 names including two keepers. The letter “K” was slightly easier and I managed to write down the names of 13 players. But I was worried about the strength of team I could pick from these two combined, so I wrote down all the “L”s I could think of and managed 14. Putting all three together I reckon I have a team to match any of those previously picked.

Therefore my all-time West Ham “J” plus “K” plus “L” Team in a 4-4-2 formation are:

James
Johnson (G)
Lock
Konchesky
Lampard (F senior)
Lampard (F junior)
Lomas
Kouyate
Lanzini
Jennings
Kitson

So who are some of the notable names omitted? Jaaskalainen, Kurucz, Leslie and Lama are four keepers, plus Jenkinson, Jacobsen, Roger Johnson, Jimenez, Jarvis, Steve Jones, Kirkup, Kilgallon, Kitchener, Keen, Kovac, Robbie Keane, Kanoute, Keeble, David Kelly, Lindsay, Lazaridis, Lansbury, Llungberg, Lutton, Rob Lee, Elliott Lee. I remember seeing all of those at one time or another; some were better than others!

But, perhaps I’ve forgotten someone really good. Can you pick a team of J/K/L surnames to rival mine? I reckon one or two of my generation would have had Vic Keeble in their side, although I suspect not too many would select Roger Johnson or David Kelly, or even Robbie Keane on his performances for us, although he certainly had some career playing for others plus internationally.

And who would manage the J/K/L’s? There’s only one candidate I believe, John Lyall.

5 Things From The Saints Capitulation

The list of what went wrong against Southampton could be as long as your arm.

A Big Stadium Doesn’t Automatically Make You a Big Club

Personally, I believe the connection between the move to the new stadium and the poor performances so far this season is being vastly overplayed. It certainly is not the prime factor and cannot explain the performances on the road. The expectations at club following the move were unrealistically high though and maybe an assumption that we are now one of the big boys has found its way into the psyche at the club. Overall it was a good season last year but the report card still included a fair few areas where we could and should have done better. This requires hard work and application from the Board through to the coaching staff and players. Early signs are that the investment made in new players has not been well spent; that the coaching staff are short on ideas and the players low on effort and application as well as confidence. Both Newcastle and Sunderland have above average sized stadiums and their current positions demonstrate that on its own it does not bring success.

Second Season Syndrome: An Absence of Style and Formation

One major positive that Bilic brought to club was an approach that was the antidote to the unadventurous, football by attrition of his predecessor. It was a big relief in respect of football as an entertainment and brought further joy in victories over Arsenal, Chelsea, Tottenham, Liverpool and the two Manchester clubs. The successes were enough to overshadow those disappointing aspects of our season where we failed to dispatch the teams we should have beaten with ease. Tame defeats at home to Swansea and away at Stoke in the last weeks of the season were definite warning signs of our limitations. On the good days our approach was high tempo, organised, hard working with quick counter attacks. On the not so good days it was slow, ponderous, short on creativity and focused on high balls to a big striker. Most of the teams setting the early pace this term play at a high tempo and most employ a pressing game. It is difficult to identify or articulate what our game plan is meant to be. Bilic says that the players are working hard on the training ground but to a man they look slower and less fit than any opposition we face. We lack cohesion and do not attack or defend as a team; operating as three detached units. Big gaps exist between midfield and defence and not enough players are getting up quickly enough to support the attack. There are major issues to address. Maybe confidence and injuries plays a part but there are deeper fundamental problems that need to be resolved (and fast!)

We Appear to Have Wasted a Lot of Transfer Cash

It is said that we spent £43 million in the transfer window on 10 or more new players (although that includes the permanent signing of Manuel Lanzini) with just James Tomkins leaving the club. If all the squad were fit it would be unlikely that any of the new players would feature in many people’s preferred starting eleven. Until his aberration at the Hawthorns I did like the look of Masuaku but he is no Cresswell; who even if he is not the best defender in the world is one of our most potent attacking threats. We haven’t seen too much of Arbeloa yet but for a player of such experience he looks to have poor positional sense. Likewise for a player who spent a good few season in a decent Bundesliga side, Nordtveit seems to be completely lost (at sechs and siebens you might say) and his distribution is woeful. Tore and Calleri look dreadful and if there is an exit clause on their respective loans then it would make sense to terminate them now. Zaza did put in some effort (at least in the first half) but looks wanting as a Premier League lone striker; did he have the ball under control at any point in the game? Without knowing the structure of his loan it would be a brave man to trigger the apparent ‘must buy‘ clause. I will cut some slack for Fletcher and Fernandes as I guess they were bought for the future rather than today and would be willing to give Feghouli a few more more chances. We will not know whether Ayew can make an impact for several weeks yet.

Players out of Position

As soon as I saw the team announced my heart sank. I understand that we had a left back problem and playing Arbeloa there may have been the only option available. However, Nordtveit at right back was just plain stupid (even if it was marginally less stupid than playing Antonio there earlier in the season). Why do we so frequently play players out of position in supposedly the best league in the world and expect them to perform. It didn’t take long to recognise that Bertrand was going to be a big threat for Southampton;and why did Nordtveit just give up running for the first goal? I’m not sure the midfield players know who is supposed to be playing where and we continue to defy convention by playing without a proper holding midfielder. With Kouyate drifting right and Payet keeping left there is no threat coming through the centre.

Where Will the Goals Come From

We have just the two tactics for scoring. High balls into the box from open play or set pieces and hope that Antonio will get on the end of one; or a Payet free kick. That it was obvious that the Southampton defence could cope with Plan A for the rest of the week appeared to bypass everyone in claret and blue. For Plan B, no amount of diving won any free kicks in a dangerous enough position for Payet to take advantage. Yes, we probably should have had a penalty in that brief 5 minute spell were we showed a little spirit but otherwise very little was created. No quick interplay and no openings created to bother the keeper. I am not a believer in most football statistics but 6 games and no goals from a striker is quite worrying.

Counting Sheep – 6 – The Letters G and H

I’ve Started So I’ll Finish

Ok, I’m not Magnus Magnusson and certainly have no thoughts of ever appearing on Mastermind, but I do like Magnus’ catchphrase – it is one that I tend to follow in all aspects of life, that is, if I start something I do have to finish it. This series of articles began when I couldn’t sleep at night and instead of counting sheep to help me drop off I selected teams of West Ham players whose surnames all started with the same letter.

I’ve picked five to date, “B”, “C”, “D”, “F” and “Vowels”. For today I have racked my brain (sounds worse than it was) trying to think of all the players I’ve ever seen in a West Ham shirt whose surnames begin with G. I’ve managed to jot down 12 names, but they wouldn’t make the best team as three of them, Green, Grotier, and Gregory (who was the first Hammers keeper I ever saw) were goalkeepers. I then moved on to H, and this time managed 13 names with only one keeper (Hislop), but virtually no defenders. So at this point I decided to make my second combined team utilising the letters “G” and “H”.

Therefore my all-time West Ham “G” plus “H” Team in an attacking 4-2-4 formation are:

Green (R)

Green (B)

Gale

Gabbidon

Harley

Holland

Hutchison

Goddard

Greaves

Hurst

Hartson

So who else did I think of that I’ve left out? The other keepers I’ve mentioned were omitted, although this position wasn’t the easiest part of selecting my team, plus Grice, Gordon, Gould and Garcia from “G”, and Harkes, Heffer, Howe, Holmes, Hales, Harewood and Hughes from “H”. I certainly had plenty of attacking options but fewer defensive ones. I think Ray Houghton may have made the first team once or twice perhaps, but although he went on to have a great career in football elsewhere, I can’t remember watching him play for us.

Perhaps I’ve forgotten someone really good. Can you pick a team of “G”s plus “H”s to rival mine?

And who would manage the “G”s plus “H”s? There’s only one candidate I believe, the legendary Ron Greenwood.

5 Points From The Recent Weekend

Sorting through the garbage from the Premier League weekend and wondering how our on-loan players are faring.

City Slickers 2: The Sequel

At this stage last season Manchester City sat at the top of the Premier League with a 100% record from the first 5 games before successive defeats to West Ham and Tottenham took the spring out of their step and resulted in an indifferent (by their expectation) 4th place finish, and snatching the final Champion’s League spot. This year they are again top of the pile with a flawless record and even though it is “early doors” (©Big Ron) it is difficult to see who is going to stop them this time around. In Kevin De Bruyne and Sergio Aguero they have probably the best player and best striker in the league backed up by a very deep and talented squad and a manager who really does look like he is making a difference. Their city neighbours, on the other hand, resemble a cross between the Harlem Globetrotters and a circus freak show without any real tactical plan; a little like Chelsea last year you might say. Chelsea themselves require a lot more rebuilding before they can mount a serious title challenge while Liverpool and Arsenal will veer from the sublime to the unconvincing. Tottenham will act all mouth and no trousers again and along with Everton, as the new Southampton, will be tussling for Europa League qualification.

Light Blue Touch-Paper and Retire

On Guy Fawkes night, the 5th of November, the fixtures computer has paired West Ham with Stoke City and on the evidence of recent defensive performances we could well see some fireworks that day. There has been much debate on West Ham forums as to whether our own poor defending is down to individual blunders or collective incompetence. I tend to believe that the two are related and that haphazard organisation is often (but not always Arthur) the catalyst for mistakes. One imagines that having already conceded 4 goals twice this season Mark Hughes would have spent much of the week preparing his side to stand firm against the expected Crystal Palace aerial threat from set pieces and yet they surrendered two routine goals in the first eleven minutes. Unless both the Stoke and West Ham defenders get a rocket before the two teams meet the game might yield a whole youtube bloopers compilation by itself.

Goals with a Lustrous Finish

Speaking of rockets that is how a shot from outside the box that whistled into the back of the net was once described. Or else it might have been a screamer, unstoppable or a piledriver. These were all good masculine sounding words that conjured up the image of a glove free warrior with no shinpads, crepe bandage barely concealing a gash on the head, ploughing through the mud and letting one rip with his Gola Speedster boots. Now a commentator feels that they are allowed to describe a goal as ‘sumptuous’ as with the Jordan Henderson strike at Stamford Bridge; what next – gorgeous, luscious, lavish, opulent, orgasmic, splendiferous….? The long range shot is more often than not top contender in the goal of the week/ month/ season compilations but give me a slick passing, quick movement team goal any day. It was good to witness a few of these over the weekend. Also good to see converted Right Back, Michail Antonio still leading the goal scoring charts which in the absence of the illusory 20 10 goals a season striker is most welcome. For teams that do have functioning strikers there were further goals for Costa, Lukaku, Deeny, Kane, Rashford and Iheanacho while Leicester look to have done shrewd business in recruiting Slimani from Sporting Clube de Portugal.

The Not-So Special One

I was among many who believed that Manchester United under Jose Mourinho would be a force to be reckoned with this season. Instead they appear to be a ramshackle assortment of spare parts that have been assembled without access to the necessary instructions. If you scan through the list of names of the teamsheet it might look impressive at first glance but it is not a team rather a collection of individuals, some of whom are well past their best. The manager gives the impression of being perplexed about the whole business. There was a perfect description of Jose’s demeanour in a recent Guardian article which I repeat below:

“More recently José Mourinho seems to have decided the best approach at Manchester United is to spend his first few weeks standing on the touchline looking crumpled and sad and heroically betrayed, like a man on the hard shoulder of the M6 staring balefully across the nearside lines above his raised bonnet, rain gluing his shirt to his back, phone dead, credit card maxed out, kids living in Bicester, golf clubs repossessed, 800 units of polyester carpet samples scattered across the back seat.”

Naturally, the 3 defeats in a week for Manchester United are not the fault of Jose himself but are down to poor refereeing and Luke Shaw. In the game against Watford (good team!) they were second best in the first half and it looked ominous when Watford surrendered the initiative during the second period yet the Hornets showed great spirit and resilience to claim all 3 points from their largely uninspiring opponents.

Loans and Miscellany

Most Premier League teams have players out on loan at other clubs. This can be to give younger players experience or simply to remove some cost from the wage bill. It is well known that at any time Chelsea have something like 30 players loaned to other teams. As far as I know West Ham have 10 players out on loan so let’s take a look at what they were up to at the weekend. Enner Valencia had his first run out for Everton as a 66th minute replacement for Lukaku and was caught offside just the once, so encouraging signs so far. Neither Reece Burke nor Kyle Knoyle took part in Wigan’s goalless draw with Fulham (my assumption is that Burke was injured); Martin Samuelsen was a 90+3 rd minute time-wasting substitute for Blackburn in their 4-2 win against Rotherham but there was no place in the squad for Stephen Hendrie. Josh Cullen played 90 minutes for Bradford as did Lewis Page for Coventry in their respective drawn games but there was no game time for George Dobson (Walsall), Luca Belic (Motherwell) or Doneil Henry (AC Horsens in Denmark). The most notable action from any of these games being a hovering drone stopping play for several minutes in the Bradford – Bristol City game.

Counting Sheep – 5 – The Letter F

Send yourself to sleep trying to remember your favourite F’in West Ham players.

When I can’t sleep at night then instead of counting sheep I pick a West Ham team of players that have surnames that all start with the same letter.

I’ve picked four so far, “B”, “C”, “D” and “Vowels”. Today I’ll see if I can remember enough players whose surnames begin with “F” to form my fifth team. I don’t think it will be that easy but there should be at least eleven that I can make into a fantasy team.

Here is my all-time West Ham “F” Team in a 4-4-2 formation:

Ferguson
Faubert
Ferdinand (A)
Ferdinand (R)
Foster
Fletcher
Foe
Futre
Feghouli
Ferdinand (L)
Fletcher

I was really struggling to put together a team there. The only “F”s I’ve left out are goalkeepers Forrest, Feuer and Finn, plus defenders Foxe and Faye. I couldn’t think of any more attacking players apart from Fashanu and Franco but they didn’t come close to making my team.

But perhaps I’ve forgotten someone really good. Can you pick a team of “F”s to rival mine? Do you agree with my team?

And who would manage the “F”s? There’s only one candidate I believe, the first manager I remember and one who kindly arranged for the autographs of all the West Ham team for me in 1959 (I’ve still got them), and that’s Ted Fenton.

The Language of Football – Number 4

50 Ways to Leave Your Lover (and even more emotions when we win a game!)

Language Cloud Paul Simon sang in 1975 about 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover. “Slip out the back, Jack”, “make a new plan Stan”, “you don’t need to be coy, Roy, just set yourself free”, “hop on the bus, Gus”, and “drop off the key, Lee” were his fifty ways. More like five to me!

In the Language of Football number 2 we looked at emotions when your lover has left, or when we lose a game. How many different emotions can you feel if your lover comes back? How many different feelings do you have when we win a game?

Here are some examples:

alive, blissful, buzzing, blessed, beatific, beside oneself with joy, brilliant, content, cheerful, cockahoop, carefree, delighted, delirious, encouraged, enraptured, entranced, elated, euphoric, ecstatic, exuberant, exultant, emotional,

felicitous, good, glad, gratified, high, happy (as a sandboy), (as Larry), (as a lark), (as a clam at high tide), in seventh heaven, joyful, jumping for joy, jubilant, like a child with a new toy, merry, over the moon, on cloud nine, on a high, overjoyed, on top of the world,

pleased (as Punch), rejoicing, rapturous, rhapsodic, relieved, sick, stimulated, tingling, tittilated, thrilled, timely, tickled pink, transported, triumphant, wrapped, walking on air, wicked,

There are more than 50 here. The list is not exhaustive. How many others can you come up with?