Preview – Page 59 – Under The Hammers

Matchday: Going Through the Motions at Turf Moor

It’s dead rubber day in the Premier League as the Hammers go limp in Lancashire.

Burnley West Ham I used to think that a dead rubber was a used condom until I started to read about the finale to this season’s Premier League programme. Paradoxically at the time when condoms were actually made from rubber (rather than latex) they were considered reusable and so, technically, not dead once they had performed their duty. Of course, the UK’s most famous condoms were produced just a short ride around the North Circular by the London Rubber Company using a brand that took its name from the phrase Durability, Reliability and Excellence. If only our team could have demonstrated such admirable qualities this season and been as effective in both scoring and preventing leaks. In truth the term dead rubber should only really apply in a ‘best of’ series between two competing sides where the contest is decided before the series has been completed; today’s games are merely mostly meaningless.

If Burnley round off the season by maintaining their impressive home form with an expected win against West Ham today they will also leapfrog the Hammers in the table at the same time. With Palace likely to pick up at least a point against Manchester United reserves this will see us dropping to 14^th or possibly lower unless Stoke come back from Southampton empty handed. Overall it is difficult to put a spin on the season that is anything other than a complete disaster, even if there are some mitigating factors related to injuries and the stadium move. It looks to me that the club has taken several steps backwards this year and is now barely in a better position than a newly promoted side. Looking for a bright straw clutching side one could point to Machester City’s first campaign after leaving Maine Road where they finished 16^th with only 41 points. The chances of history repeating itself now rest solely on the emergence of rich foreign owners with very deep pockets.

We don’t need squad players. Take our last game against Liverpool. We were without eight players but still had a decent team so that shows that squad-wise, with the quantity of the players, we are okay.

– Slaven Bilic on his squad’s okayness

After 9 months of competition and hype the Premier League season ends in somewhat muted fashion with the majority of teams playing only for pride; an amusing concept in itself. The desperation in the media to talk up the battle for fourth place illustrates perfectly how much the game has become a slave to money, for which Champion’s League qualification is the perfect embodiment. We are meant to rely on relegated Middlesbrough and manager-less Watford to generate the day’s excitement. I’m sure I would feel differently if it were the Hammers fighting it out for that final spot but then we all know what would happen once drawn against the Romanian or Latvian champions in the qualifying round don’t we?

Head to Head

The inaugural meeting between West Ham and Burnley took place at Turf Moor in 1923 following the Hammers promotion to the top flight for the first time. West Ham keeper Ted Hufton was beaten five times as the Clarets ran out 5-1 winners. Huddersfield Town pipped Cardiff City to win the league that season with a goal average difference of 0.024; now that is what I call a close finish.

Since then West Ham have shaded matters and recent results are heavily skewed heavily in our favour, having won eight and lost only two of the last twelve meetings. West Ham have only lost at Turf Moor once in the last 39 years.

Team News

Winston Reid has joined the long list of players revealed to have been playing (or battling on) with a chronic long term injury that required immediate surgery. Let;s hope for a speedy recovery as Winston is one of our better players. I wonder who gets to wear the captain’s armband this afternoon? Probably Jose Fonte!

There has been some speculation that Bilic will give a debut to young Declan Rice but it would be truer to form if he recalled a fit again Angelo Ogbonna to the side. The bench is likely to have a few youngsters sat on it but whether any will get more than a token five minutes as the clock ticks down is anyone’s guess.

We’ve added to the squad but we still need to look at the market again – we want to keep upgrading not just for for the quality, but as an in-house challenge to the players.

– Sean Dyche plans an upgrade

Burnley may have Michael Keane back for what will most likely be his last game before a big money move to one of the big boys. Final tests don’t come much sterner than having to keep Argentine hotshot Jonathan Calleri quiet for the afternoon!

The Man in the Middle

The Premier League website has some timely insights into the matchday routine of today’s referee Robert ‘Bobby’ Madley from West Yorkshire. You will be enthralled to know that he will have enjoyed an early hearty breakfast of porridge and a couple of poached eggs before getting mentally prepared for the game by listening to Ocean Colour Scene in the dressing room.

Madley has been in the middle for three West Ham games this season; home wins against Sunderland and Burnley and an away defeat to Bournemouth. In 34 games he has issued 142 yellow and 4 red cards.

West Ham visit Burnley

A trip to Lancashire to finish the season

When the Football League was formed in 1888 it consisted of 12 clubs. Five were from the Midlands and seven from the North-West in the county of Lancashire. Burnley were one of the original teams, and are one of only four of them who are currently in the top flight of English football, the others being Everton, Stoke and West Brom. Without counting I suspect that Lancashire houses more football league clubs than any other county, at least it did when I was growing up. Now, many teams that were considered to be in that county have a Greater Manchester address. Burnley was also one of the answers in a pub quiz I participated in where the question was asked, “Name the five football clubs who have finished as champions in all four divisions of English football.” The answer is at the end of this preview.

As I began taking an interest in football in the late 1950s, Burnley were a major force in England and were champions of Division One (that is equivalent to the modern day Premier League) in 1959-60, and reached the quarter-finals of the European Cup the following season. In 1961-62, they were runners-up in the league (to Ipswich), and lost in the FA Cup final to Tottenham. It just goes to show how the balance of power has shifted at the top in football when you consider that the top eight clubs in order that season were Ipswich, Burnley, Tottenham, Everton, Sheffield United, Sheffield Wednesday, Aston Villa, and then West Ham. Arsenal were mid-table, the two Manchester clubs were in the bottom half, and Chelsea finished bottom and were relegated. Liverpool won the Division 2 title that season.

I’ve never been to Burnley, although I have a mental image of what the town might look like. I can remember many games against the Clarets over the years and two have so far been included in my favourite games series, the 1964 FA Cup quarter final victory over them, and the 5-0 demolition early on in the 1968-69 season. One game I can remember clearly took place at Upton Park on 6 October 1973. It was not a favourite game by any means; my recollection is based solely on the fact that I got engaged to be married that weekend.

We went into that game next to bottom in the table, not having won any of our first nine league games. Burnley were third from top, having only lost one of their opening nine games. They beat us 1-0 that day and went on to finish sixth. Our non-winning run continued for another fortnight until we won our first game of the season at the 12^th attempt, 1-0 at Coventry. We continued with our miserable run in the league for a further six games without winning, before our second victory in the 19^th game (2-1 v Manchester City), which was our first home win of the season.

Support was falling at the time, and only just over 16,000 were at Upton Park when we lost at home to Stoke on the Saturday before Christmas when we fell to the bottom of the table. But we completed a remarkable escape with a ten game unbeaten run, mainly inspired by our new captain, Billy Bonds, playing in midfield at the time. The return fixture at Turf Moor was one of the games in that unbeaten run, and a Graham Paddon goal helped us to a 1-1 draw. Improved performances and results led to bigger crowds in the second half of that season with several over 30,000, and a season high of over 38,000 when we defeated Leeds, the eventual champions, 3-1 in March.

After then Burnley went into a slow decline culminating in the final game of the 1986-87 season (just 30 years ago) when they needed to win the last game of the season to remain in the Football League and not be relegated to the Conference (now the Vanarama). They duly beat Leyton Orient and were also saved by Lincoln City, who were then automatically relegated when losing their final game. In the season just ended of course, Leyton Orient have been relegated from the Football League and Lincoln City have won promotion as Vanarama champions.

Burnley began to ascend again from that time, and in the last few years have yo-yoed between the Championship and the Premier League. This is their third time since 2009 in the top flight, with 2009-10 and 2014-15 being stays of one season only. But they have been more successful this time, and have avoided relegation despite being one of the favourites to go down at the beginning of the season. They currently sit in 15^th place on 40 points with just the one game left. We are 12^th on 42, so defeat would mean that they overtake us.

As 11^th are playing 10^th (Leicester v Bournemouth), the highest we can possibly finish is 11^th, and we are guaranteed at least 12^th if we win. Looking at the fixtures of the teams below us, I would predict that as long as we don’t lose to Burnley we will remain in 12^th place. But this won’t be an easy game for us. Burnley have a magnificent home record where they have attained 33 of their 40 points this season with 10 wins and 3 draws, and they have lost just 5 times. Their defeats came at the hands of Swansea on the opening day of the season, and then to 4 of the sides currently in the top six, the two North London clubs and the two Manchester teams. Away from home they have only won once (at Palace), but at home they are a different proposition, and we will do well to get something out of the game there, especially considering the performance last Sunday, and our increasingly lengthy injury list.

Considering their illustrious past, our head to head record against Burnley is a surprisingly positive one, and we’ve won slightly more games than we’ve lost. That is mainly as a result of more recent history, and since that 1973 defeat that I referred to earlier, we have played them 24 times in league and cup matches, winning 16, drawing 4, and losing just 4. They haven’t beaten us since December 2011 when Sam Vokes scored the winner to complete a 2-1 comeback win for them. Sam Vokes is still there and is their leading goalscorer this season.

Predicting the outcome of final day games of the season with nothing (except prize money and final league position) to play for is tricky. You are never quite sure how many players are already on the beach. With many factors going against us it is hard to see a win, but I reckon a score draw is the likely outcome of the claret and blue derby that finishes our season.

(Pub quiz answer – Portsmouth, Wolves, Sheffield United, Preston.)

Matchday: Mickey Mousers Come To Town

“Téléphonez à un ami!” Can West Ham provide a lifeline to Arsene Wenger by scuppering Liverpool’s top four pretensions?

Matchday Liverpool The misty eyed football historian may well remember the day when Liverpool, along with teams such as Preston North End, Huddersfield Town and Portsmouth, were serious contenders for top flight league honours. In fact, for a time in the not too distant past, when footballers posed beside Ford Capris, advertised hair grooming products and sported flared trousers and moustaches, the men from Anfield were something of a dominant force. Then suddenly, before anyone realised that simply appointing ex-players to the managerial boot-room didn’t guarantee success, the Premier League circus had begun and money started to talk in a Manc rather than Scouse accent; the media’s favourite club became marooned in the doldrums.

There have been a few occasions where they threatened to clamber back up the league ladder but ultimately there has always been a snake (or a Steven Gerrard slip) to see them tumble back down again. Liverpool are the northern equivalent of Tottenham, better than many other teams in the league but nowhere near as good as their fans believe them to be. With Arsenal’s win at Stoke last night it puts further pressure on Liverpool’s quest for a top four finish and so it is appropriate that West Ham have the opportunity to put the kibosh on both team’s seasonal aspirations in successive weeks at the London Stadium.

He (Noble) played through the pain and with that pain and it became a bit worse. Kouyate has a wrist problem, he played through a lot of pain. We made a plan for him to play as much as possible, but it became worse.

– Slav explains injuries becoming worse

Our own season has been one heavily weighted towards disappointment. As it reaches its conclusion there is not a great deal to look back on with pride apart from that victory over Tottenham and the EFL cup defeat of Chelsea. Once again no Hammer, bar a late flurry, will get even half way to mythical 20 goals per season and after a first ever Premier League positive goal difference last term we are firmly back in deficit territory. Hopefully a little of last week’s energy and enterprise will be carried forward to today so that the season doesn’t finally fizzle out on a depressing low point.

Head to Head

No West Ham supporter needs to be told how dreadful our record away to Liverpool is but may not be aware that they also hold the advantage in matches played on our own turf; a win for the Hammers today though would even things up at 22 wins apiece from 59 attempts and a 4-0 win would also restore goal parity at the same time. West Ham are, however, on a tidy little run against the Reds with three wins and two draws in the last five; and still to lose against a Jurgen Klopp side.

Team News

Depending on whether Arthur Masuaku is fit or not then it could be up to eight first team players on the sick list for West Ham. Probably at least six of those missing in action would get into most supporters preferred starting elevens. It does seem a little odd that our two more defensively minded midfielders have been playing with injuries for some time but couldn’t hold out for another week or so before electing for surgery; maybe there are valid medical reasons.

With what remains (and with potential replacements still out on loan) it would appear that the team pretty much picks itself with Nordtveit and Fernandes coming in for Kouyate and Noble. I have high hopes for Fernandes but he is not a defensive midfield player and I worry that it is a fragile pairing against the likes of Coutinho and Lallana; not that I can see any other options as Slaven fills out his team sheet. I guess another start for non-scoring striker, Calleri, is inevitable but hope that Fletcher gets more than a last five minutes today.

Everything is still in our hands. All the teams have to play tough games and no-one wins all of them. Now we have to win ours and it will be fine.

– Jurgen Klopp

Liverpool are without Mané, Henderson and, possibly, Firmino. They are certainly not the same team in Mané’s absence. There is a lot of speculation about whether Sturridge gets a start against a side that is rumoured to be interested in his signature. Sturridge has a decent scoring record but whether an injury prone striker with a questionable attitude is precisely what is needed is a matter of opinion.

The Man in the Middle

Please welcome Neil Swarbrick from Lancashire making his third London Stadium appearance of the season having kept whistle for previous unbeaten home games against Middlesbrough & Crystal Palace. In his 31 outings this term he has contributed 116 yellow and 3 red cards.

West Ham entertain Liverpool

A Sunday afternoon fixture to round off the first season at the London Stadium

It was a warm Thursday evening (August 4^th 2016 to be precise) when I paid my first visit to the London Stadium to see us beat NK Domzale 3-0 in the second leg of the third qualifying round to overturn a 2-1 deficit from the first leg of the Europa League competition. A few days more than nine months later, in what almost seems like a blink of the eye, I will be there on Sunday afternoon for the final home game of what has been an interesting season. Unlike some others I have loved the stadium from the outset, but recognise the teething problems at the beginning. Hopefully the majority of issues have been resolved, but some fans will never be happy about us leaving Upton Park, and some still post messages on social media to this effect.

It was never built to be a football stadium, but there is no going back (as recent pictures of what is left of Upton Park will testify!). We have to make the most of it, and as witnessed last weekend against our old adversaries from North London, the atmosphere can be electric when we get the right commitment and performance from the team. Perhaps in the not too distant future the athletics people can be bought off, and the design within the stadium improved to make it more like an old fashioned football ground, but whether or not this will ever happen is a matter for conjecture. I’m sure that if safe standing is ever agreed, then perhaps something can be done to turn an oval into a rectangle. But in the meantime, the stadium is what it is, and we can still trudge off to Stratford station after the game in good spirits when we see a game as good as the one against Tottenham.

So for the last home game it is Liverpool, a return of the game at Anfield a fortnight before Christmas when we drew 2-2. This was a game which featured the last ever goal in a West Ham shirt from an un-named Frenchman, and another from this year’s Hammer of The Year, Michail Antonio. The top three in this year’s voting also included Manuel Lanzini and Pedro Obiang, and I reckon that is a fair reflection of the individual performances of those players this season.

For so many young football fans who think that top flight football only began with the introduction of the Premier League, then they will never remember Liverpool being champions of England. By their own standards of the immediate pre-Premier era, then they have had a relatively lean time in recent years. But I am old enough to remember Liverpool being promoted into the top division in the early 1960s, and they have never remotely looked like dropping out of it since.

The infamous Bill Shankly led them at that time and they won the league title in the same year we won the FA Cup in 1963-64. This was the first of their titles in the 1960s, 1970s and 1980s, that saw them being the dominant team in England with 13 league championship trophies in that time (making 18 in total in their history). They have also been European champions on 5 occasions.

Our historical record against them is not the best, and they have beaten us over 40 more times than we have beaten them. In fact in head to head fixtures they have won over 50% of games, with drawn matches being more prevalent than West Ham wins too. But in recent times the tide has turned, and we have won three of the last five games against them with two draws. We have won the last three home games against them, and have scored at least one goal in nine of the last ten league meetings at Upton Park. One team or the other has won the last 11 league games at Upton Park, and we haven’t had a drawn home league match against them for almost 16 years.

After five consecutive defeats we have now remained unbeaten for five games, and will be looking to make it six to put a dent in their top four finish aspirations. Although they now sit in third place in the league, they could possibly end up as low as sixth if their results, and those of the teams chasing them go against them.

If you look at the bookmakers odds for this game, then they haven’t taken into account the recent meetings of the clubs, and Liverpool are odds-on to win. But so were Tottenham! However we go into the match with an ever lengthening injury list of first choice players, and it is hard to see us coming out on top. But then we thought that against Spurs too!

I’m hoping for a win, as ever, but will be satisfied to see us put in a performance and commitment similar to that shown a week ago, with whatever team we can put out. We go into the penultimate match of the season with a mathematical possibility of finishing as high as 8^th or as low as 16^th in the final league table. We are just three points off 8^th, and four points above 16^th. The eventual outcome is anybody’s guess, but I reckon somewhere in the middle of these two extremes is likely. Let us hope for a resounding performance to round off the first season at our new stadium.

Matchday: Can West Ham deny a swaggering Spurs?

Wouldn’t it be nice to get one over on your neighbours? Will West Ham raise their game and electrify the London Stadium?

West Ham Tottenham When Tottenham visited Upton Park (lovingly described in one national newspaper report at the time as a clanky old corrugated arena) in early March last season, a victory would have sent them to the top of the Premier League on goal difference. In the event, an early Michail Antonio goal topped an energetic and exuberant West Ham display to earn the Hammers all three points and instigate a Tottenham wobble than ended with them finishing third in what was essentially a two horse race.

Roll forward six months and by the time West Ham visited White Hart Lane, in November of this season, they were a team transformed by dreadful summer recruitment and a disinterested French playmaker. Spurs were unbeaten at home (and, of course, remain so) but were without a win for seven games. In a match that Tottenham dominated territorially, it was West Ham who rose to the occasion and held an unlikely lead with mere minutes of the game remaining; but then what has become characteristically suicidal substitutions resulted in, not just the tame surrender of two points, but the loss of all three.

It is a derby, whether you need the points or not, it’s a derby game against Spurs at our stadium. They need points, we need points, so it is massive game for us and a massive game for them. We will try to get the points that will mathematically secure our status.

– Slaven Bilic predicts a massive game

The gulf between the two teams is now so great that only the very brave and the deluded are predicting a West Ham victory. The challenge is not helped by a long list of injuries but damage limitation, rather than famous victory, seems to be the order of the day. Perhaps an unexpected planetary alignment can inspire the uninspired, energise the weak and bring order where there has only been chaos. A victory tonight, which would confirm rather than derail Tottenham’s doomed title bid, would require a performance to match the ‘obscene effort’ of 1992 so fondly remembered by Sir Alex Ferguson.

Head to Head

West Ham have played more league games against the snooty north London neighbours than against any other team. Maybe others would deem the rivalry against the noisy ones from over the river to be the more heated but this one comes around far more frequently. In 127 previous meetings against Tottenham, West Ham have won 43 and lost 53. On home turf the Hammers hold the advantage with 28 wins and 20 defeats from 63 attempts. The last 12 league meetings have seen 4 West Ham wins, 6 Tottenham wins and 2 drawn matches.

Team News

Diafra Sakho has decided to join Pedro Obiang, Angelo Ogbonna and Antonio on the out for the season rota. I imagine that Sakho is one that we will not see in claret and blue again, while his long time injury room partner, Andy Carroll, faces a late fitness test along with burgeoning cult hero Arthur Masuaku. There is often a great deal of anger about players who are constantly injured but I doubt that any footballer, and we have had our fair share of sicknotes, really wants to regularly spend time sitting out matches during their relatively short careers.

Team selection will be the usual Slaven lottery but with even fewer balls to select from than usual. I am hoping that the Betamax machine in the Rush Green tactical war room has been working correctly and that the coaching staff have noticed that; Spurs attack with pace down the flanks through their full/ wing backs; that Kane and Alli are pretty lethal in front of goal; and that Erikson will have a field day if allowed too much space in midfield. In these circumstances I believe that the Reid/ Fonte/ Collins combo should remain in force supported by Masuaku (or Cresswell) and Byram (until he gets booked) out wide and with Kouyate and Nordtveit in central midfield. Fingers crossed that Carroll can put in an appearance and that Calleri, Feghouli and Snodgrass are well away from the action.

Of course it is a great opportunity to close the gap but we are playing another derby against West Ham and it will be very tough. The pressure is on us to win.

– Mauricio Pochettino thinks it will be tough

Tottenham appear far more resilient, injury wise, than West Ham but are without Danny Rose and long term absentee Eric Lamela. The absence of Rose is a tiny bonus as stand-in Davies is not the same quality but other than that the visitors are at full strength. It would be gratifying not to have to witness too many of the pre-teen choreographed goal hand celebrations this evening but I wouldn’t bet on it.

The Man in the Middle

The appointment of Anthony Taylor as tonight’s referee was described as diabolical news on one new source on the basis that West Ham had lost all three games where he has been in charge this season (Chelsea (a), Everton (a) and Leicester (a)). Apart from failing to dismiss Diego Costa in the season opener I suggest that the defeats were due more to our own shortcomings than refereeing influence. Taylor has officiated in 37 games in all competitions this season and issued an arm-wearying 144 yellow cards, but just the 4 reds.

West Ham entertain Tottenham

A rare Friday night visit from our North London neighbours

antonio

I’ll begin my preview of the Tottenham game with a quiz question. I’ll give the answer towards the end. What do the following footballers have in common: Jermaine Defoe, Mido, Bobby Zamora, Teddy Sheringham, Les Ferdinand, Paul Allen, Clive Allen, Martin Peters, Jimmy Greaves, Frank Lampard (senior), and John Lyall?

Whatever you think of our North London neighbours, and most West Ham supporters dislike them, (or an even stronger verb than that), they have been a formidable side for the past two seasons, and have come close to winning the title both times. It looks like ultimately they will fall just short again, and we can assist in that happening tonight.

If they beat us they will cut the deficit at the top to just one point, but when you consider Chelsea’s run-in, an away game at West Brom, and three home games against Middlesbrough, Watford and Sunderland, then Tottenham are unlikely to get the opportunity to take over at the top. After their game tonight, Tottenham have a home game against Manchester United, and finish with two away games at Leicester and Hull. In theory they could still be called upon to do us a favour on the last day of the season, but it is unlikely that it will come to that. At least I hope not!

Considering the season we’ve had, then logically there is no way we can compete with them tonight. They have only lost three times in the league all season, in away trips to Chelsea, Manchester United and Liverpool, and face us having won their last nine games in a row, scoring 25 goals in the process and conceding just 4. At least we are unbeaten in our last four games, but a record of one win in the last eleven games does not look so good. One thing that we are extremely good at is ending other teams’ bad runs; perhaps we can do the opposite for a change and end a good run?

Spurs away form is not as strong as their home form, and trips to West Brom, Bournemouth, and even Sunderland only yielded one point in each game. And last November, when we visited their ground, we led 2-1 with just a couple of minutes to go, only to do what we have done consistently all season, and throw away points from a winning position. All straws to clutch at when looking for any chance of a good result tonight.

Will Carroll be back from Holby City? Will Masuaku be fit? Will Noble return to the starting line-up? Will Calleri be selected again up front (I hope not)? Before Slav’s press conference on Thursday I wondered whether Sakho would be fit? We now know he won’t play again this season, and I wonder if we will ever see him in a claret and blue shirt again? Will we play three (five?) at the back? Will we try to win the game or play for a point? Can we repeat our best performance of the season (Chelsea in the EFL Cup)? A lot of these questions will be answered on the night.

Tottenham have kept a fairly settled side for most of the season, and with their system it seems that any injuries that they do have can be easily covered by players of a similar quality who know exactly the jobs that they have to do. On the other hand, we have had a catalogue of injuries once again this season, and I hope that the board and management are looking into the reasons for this. Are we just unlucky, or is there (as I suspect) more to it than that?

The answer to the quiz question: All eleven have scored goals for Tottenham against West Ham. The first nine on the list have all played for both teams, but the final two have not; but both Lyall and Lampard have scored own goals in a West Ham v Tottenham game.

And finally, a quote from the legendary Brazilian footballer, Pele. “The more difficult the victory, the greater the happiness in winning.” At the current time, this will be a very difficult game for us to win. If we can manage it, then we will all be extremely happy to say the least. What words or phrases can you think of?

Ecstatic, euphoric, thrilled, over the moon, elated, delighted, on cloud nine, walking on air, in seventh heaven jubilant, rapturous, as pleased as Punch, cock-a-hoop, as happy as a sandboy, as happy as Larry (who was Larry?), like a child with a new toy.

Yes, all of those. And by the way, for those lovers of statistics, we have now managed to reach 998 points in Premier League football from 803 games, in this our 21^st season. This puts us at tenth place in the all-time list. The nine teams above us include the top seven teams in the Premier League at the moment (but not in the same order), plus Aston Villa and Newcastle. Wouldn’t it be good to reach 1000 in the game against Tottenham? We’ll be overjoyed if we can.

Matchday: Hammers to smash Potters?

The battle for mid-table supremacy is at stake in this mouthwatering end of season encounter.

Matchday Stoke If it wasn’t for the remote mathematical possibility that either of these two sides could still be relegated then this match would be about as pointless as they come. In fact the fixture computer has come up with a set of Saturday matches so uninspiring that an afternoon spent in the shed sorting your tools into alphabetical order sounds a more attractive proposition. Today’s five Premier League matches feature only two teams from the top half of the table.

It could be pointed out that merit based payments mean an extra £2 million per league placing but I doubt that this is much of a motivating factor for the average minted footballer. If there is only pride to play for then it could be a very drab ninety minutes, even though Slav insists that we are treating every game like a cup final (if anyone can remember what one of those is like!).

People are talking about who is safe but it is irrelevant. We have four games left, a big game on Saturday and we are looking for points. There is a gap between us and mid-table, it is a small gap but with four games to go we are talking about 12 points and we have to concentrate on our next game. We are approaching them as four cup finals.

– Slaven Bilic is looking for points

The supercomputer at Euro Club Index has crunched the numbers and by their reckoning we will finish the season in 15^th place with 42 points, two points and four places below today’s opponents at the blandly dubbed bet365 stadium. The computer further concludes a 29% chance of a West Ham victory this afternoon, without which the opportunity to accumulate the predicted end of season total of 42 points appears improbable.

Head to Head

With Stoke situated close to the unhappy hunting grounds of the north-west it is unsurprising that we have a second rate record from our visits over the years, having won just ten times from thirty eight attempts. The last three away victories, all by the only goal of the game, came in 2005 (Bobby Zamora), 2009 (Diego Tristan) and 2013 (Jack Collison). Despite West Ham’s striker woes, the Hammers have only failed to score in three away matches this season (Arsenal, Everton and Leicester) so perhaps another solid defensive display will allow us to sneak one more one-nil success.

Team News

Mark Noble and Sam Byram return to the squad after suspension and apparently Robert Snodgrass and Sofiane Feghouli are also available again (if anyone is interested). On the other hand Cheikhou Kouyate, Winston Reid, Arthur Masuaku and Diafra Sakho are all reported as injury doubts for the Hammers.

If everyone was available my only change would be Sakho for the hapless Jonathan Calleri and, maybe, Byram in for Edmilson Fernandes. I would stick with Havard Nordtveit and Kouyate in central midfield as the Kouyate/ Noble partnership has proved not to work on countless occasions and Nordtveit/ Noble would be criminally slow. I fully expect, however, that Noble will be back in the starting eleven.

The mood’s fine. We’re looking forward to the game tomorrow. It’s an important one for us clearly.

– Mark Hughes in inspiring form

Stoke may be missing Jon Walters who has regularly been a thorn in the side of West Ham and for the determinists/ fatalists among us the disturbing fact that Saido Berahino has scored in three of his four previous starts against West Ham but hasn’t scored a Premier League goal since February 27th 2016 will have the alarm bells ringing.

The Man in the Middle

Appropriately for West Ham, it is injury prone Lee Probert from Wiltshire refereeing today’s game. Probert missed all last season due to injury and takes charge of only his second Premier League game of 2016/17. His last meeting with the Hammers was in the unforgettable 3-0 victory at White Hart Lane in 2013. In a grand total of twenty eight games this season he has issued a conservative sixty four yellow and four red cards.

West Ham visit Stoke

A visit to the Potteries to face a Stoke side aiming for at least a ninth place finish for the fourth season in a row.

west ham stoke I have to own up. In the recent past when Tony Pulis was their manager, one team that I disliked intensely for their style of play was Stoke City. I couldn’t knock their effectiveness, but I just hated to watch games against them, especially in the days of the Delap long throw. Under Mark Hughes they are not favourites of mine either, but their style has improved somewhat, they have some skillful players mixed with their uncompromising ones, and they have become a fixture in finishing in the top half of the Premier League.

For the past three seasons they have finished in a very creditable ninth position, and with just four games to go of this campaign they sit eleventh, just one point away from ninth, which must be the aim of a cluster of clubs, including ourselves, who can all reach this place in the table with a good finishing run.

A bit like ourselves, they began the season disastrously, and at the end of September after six games, they had been beaten four times and drawn two games to leave them in the relegation zone at this early stage. But they did have some difficult fixtures at the beginning, and a kinder group of opponents, including Sunderland, Hull, Swansea and ourselves, enabled them to win three and draw two of their next five games, picking up 11 points in the process and found them climbing the table rapidly by Guy Fawkes night. Two wins in their next three games against Watford and Burnley meant even further progress upwards by the start of December, but then the remaining fixtures of 2016 yielded just two points from five games.

Eight points in the first four games of 2017 meant another upturn in league position, but their defeat on 4 February at home to West Brom, and our win at Southampton that weekend, meant that we sat in 9^th place in the table, two points clear of them in 11^th. Then they picked up 7 points in their next four games, including a creditable goalless draw at Manchester City (who had put 4 goals past them in their first home game of the season at the Bet 365 stadium). Since then they have had another poor run of results winning just one (at home to Hull), and losing five of their last six games.

So what can we conclude from this brief analysis of our opponents this weekend in trying to predict the outcome of the game? Not a lot really. Generally they have beaten weaker teams, and lost to the top teams, in a roller coaster of a season with inconsistency to match our own. Recent history of fixtures against them does not bode particularly well. This will be our tenth meeting with them since our return to the top flight. In the nine matches played, Stoke have won three, and five have ended as draws; our solitary victory was a 1-0 win on their ground in March 2013 thanks to a Jack Collison goal.

We should have beaten them in the final game of last season when a stirring first half performance should have seen us go in at the interval with more than a one goal advantage given to us by Michail Antonio. But the euphoria of the final game at Upton Park just a few days earlier wore off, and in typical West Ham fashion we allowed them back into the game with an equaliser early in the second half, before Diouf wrapped up the three points with a goal two minutes from the end. It was a game that mirrored the final fixture of the previous season (against Everton) where we took the lead and had control of the game before conceding an equaliser against the run of play, and then lost it in stoppage time.

At least we have halted our run of five consecutive defeats by picking up five points from our unbeaten last three games, edging us towards safety. We are not quite there yet, and could do with another point or three to ensure mathematical safety. Will we get them this weekend? I certainly hope so, but in all honesty I really don’t know.

Matchday: Hammers to break hard Toffees?

With the West Ham squad resembling Steptoe’s yard how will the ragged, bare bones fare against high flying Everton (featuring Romelu Lukaku).

West Ham Everton The general consensus among both fans and pundits alike is that West Ham will survive this Premier League season even though the ‘job is not yet done’. The four point haul from the last two outings, though hardly impressive, has West Ham within touching distance of salvation. For the job to be officially completed, however, we may well have to rely on those below us to lose a few more games as it is by no means certain, looking at the remaining games, that we have the ability to add to the current 37 point total. Survival will be due to the inadequacies of others rather than as a result of our own endeavours. I do not see the Hammers gathering any points in May which leaves this week’s home encounter with Everton and next week’s visit to Stoke as opportunities to bolster the manager’s failing reputation.

Historically games against Everton invariably end in disappointment, both home and away. Injuries, suspensions, tantrums and incompetence only exaggerate the challenge facing the Hammers today. The straw to clutch at is that Everton are not so hot on the road but with a strong finish possibly earning them a top six place (as Arsenal falter and Manchester United possibly put all their eggs into the Europa League basket) they will most definitely fancy their chances today. After a disappointing 2015/16 season, where they finished 11^th with 47 points, Everton have improved significantly under new manager Ronald Koeman and look to have a much sounder view of building for the future than our own club, which continues to blindly stumble from crisis to crisis. The challenge facing Everton, though, will be holding on to their most important players.

Head to Head

After Arsenal, the two Merseyside clubs have been the most successful visitors to West Ham over the years. In 60 meetings in London, Everton have won 23 to West Ham’s 22 with 15 drawn games. This century West Ham have won just two of fourteen home league fixtures against the Toffees.

West Ham and Everton are competitors for the dubious record of the most all-time Premier League defeats. At present the lead is shared by Aston Villa and Everton at 333 defeats with the Hammers just behind with 331 (despite having played over 100 games less). There is an excellent chance that we can snatch top spot here by end of the season.

Team News

West Ham are without Ogbonna, Obiang, Antonio, Carroll (all injured), Noble and Byram (both suspended). Reid and Sakho are rumoured to be available but difficult to know whether they will be risked. As with most of the season the lack of options at right back and striker continue to haunt us.

If Reid is fit, and assuming that Arbeloa will not be considered and we do not pull a surprise by playing a youngster (I am not sure what the current situation is with Reece Burke who recently played for the stiffs following a long injury layoff), then perhaps we need to go three at the back with Fernandes playing at right wing back. My own inclination would be to play Nordtveit and Kouyate in central midfield in an attempt to add further protection to the back line. If we concede too much space in midfield areas Everton will cut through at ease and Lukaku will have an afternoon’s target practice to look forward to. Slav no doubt will have other ideas. Our manager says that we have previous with playing either 3 or 4 at the back and he is right, we have demonstrated a lack of competence at both.

Up front the choice is likely between Sakho, with his lack of match fitness, or Calleri, with his lack of ability. I read that Inter Milan had turned their attention to Calleri in their quest for additional fire power which I found highly amusing. Even if Sakho is unlikely to last 90 minutes it would be better to deploy him from the start and take it from there.

There are two schools of thought on the goalkeeper situation: Bilic wants to stick with Randolph while everyone else believes that Adrian should be brought back. Randolph must now be short of both form and confidence.

Everton have injuries to McCarthy and Besic and Enner Valencia is ineligible to play against his parent club. Unfortunately for West Ham, Lukaku will be playing and aiming to score in his 10^th successive game against the Hammers.

I can only see this game ending one way and as I never like to predict a West Ham defeat I will abstain on this occasion.

Man in the Middle

Welcome Roger East from Wiltshire this afternoon. Rarely sighted in the Premier League, East makes his second visit in five weeks to the London Stadium having previously been in charge of the game against Leicester. In his 30 whistle blowing appearances this term he has been responsible for 129 Yellow Cards and 5 Red Ones.

West Ham v Everton

This weekend West Ham entertain Everton, who haven’t won a Premier League game away from home in more than three months. We can guess what that might mean!

Lukaku

After Leicester’s extremely unlikely interruption last season to how we expect the Premier League to look each year, then this time around normality has been resumed. The top six clubs in the league are the big 6, the ones way ahead of the others in terms of revenue, turnover, income, or whatever monetary measure you may care to use when assessing size. Our visitors this week, Everton, are doing their best to break into this club, a bit like we tried to last season. To give them their due they are hovering on the brink of sixth place, although they have played more games, and the matches are running out. However, if recent history is anything to go by they will be licking their lips at the prospect of visiting the London Stadium for the first time, to face a depleted, injury-stricken, and lacking confidence West Ham team, who have won just once in the last seven games.

The Toffeemen (how strange that name seems in the modern age) are so far ahead of the eighth-placed team that they are already assured of at least a seventh place finish, and could still finish higher. They hit the ground running at the beginning of the season with a draw and four wins in their first 5 games which put them in second place in the table, before stuttering in their next ten games, winning just once, when we visited them at the end of October. In a fairly scrappy game Lukaku (who else?) opened the scoring, before Barkley wrapped up the points in what turned out to be a relatively comfortable victory for them in the end. The defeat left us perilously close to the relegation zone at the time. Since then of course we have pulled away from it, before almost being dragged back into it in recent times. Everton were seventh on Boxing Day and have retained that position in the league since.

Everton’s home record is superb, having only lost one game, a 0-1 reverse to their Merseyside neighbours in December. Since that game, eight consecutive home matches have produced eight wins with 29 goals scored and just 6 conceded. Fortunately we are not playing them at Goodison Park, and although our home record is nothing to write home about, then much the same can be said about Everton on their travels in recent times. After two away wins in their opening four games (at West Brom and Sunderland) they have only won two further league games away from home, at Leicester in December, and Palace in January. But the fact that they haven’t won an away league game for more than three months is just the type of statistic that West Ham revel in, as we are masters at helping clubs to end poor runs of one sort or another.

This is Everton’s 63^rd consecutive season in the top flight of English football, a figure that coincides with my age, so nobody under the age of about 70 will remember them being anywhere other than at the top table. Only Arsenal have had a longer uninterrupted run in the Premier League, and before that Division One. The other teams currently recognised as the top six, namely the two Manchester clubs, Liverpool, Chelsea and Tottenham have all had a spell outside of the top division in that time. So Everton can be applauded for their consistency and longevity to remain at the top.

During that uninterrupted run they have had some success, being league champions on four occasions and FA Cup winners three times. Like ourselves they have also won a European trophy, the Cup Winners Cup, in 1985. But their last major trophy win was the FA Cup in 1995, and their last league title was 30 years ago, demonstrating the difficulty of breaking the stranglehold of the top clubs. But then again, for all their dominance in the 1980’s, their neighbours Liverpool haven’t won the title since 1990 themselves, the top honours since the formation of the Premier League being shared by the two Manchester clubs, Arsenal and Chelsea, with just two interlopers, Leicester last year, and Blackburn in 1994-5 (and where are they now?).

So what can we expect this weekend? Well one thing looks a certainty. Lukaku has scored for Everton in each of his last nine appearances against us, so that is one run we would love to put an end to. We’ve only beaten Everton once in our last 17 Premier League meetings (the 3-2 win at Goodison, coming from two down after Lukaku missed a penalty). We haven’t beaten Everton at home in the Premier League since 2007 when a Bobby Zamora goal was the only goal of the game. Lukaku is the top scorer in the Premier League this season.

Everything points to an Everton victory, and the bookmakers recognise this making them the favourites to win the game despite their poor away form. We are a club in some disarray and need to get through to the end of this season and re-group. There needs to be major changes for us to get back to the type of season we had last year. So what do I expect? This time with no real logic or evidence to suggest it will happen, I fancy the boot to be on the other foot, and hope for a 2-1 win completely against the odds. What are the chances?