David Moyes Farewell Tour Heads To Stamford Bridge

The fat lady has charged up her calculator and has estimated the chances of West Ham qualifying for Europe as slimmer than the bumper book of German humour. The singing is about to start very shortly.

In truth, most of us – those who are not pundits – have known for some time that the European dream is over for the time being. A record of just three wins and 16 points from 16 games in 2024 tells you everything you need to know if you are looking at it objectively. It’s relegation form rather than a storming end to the season. With Chelsea finally waking up and Bournemouth on a roll, even a top half finish is by no means certain.

No-one seems to care much about how events might unfold on the football pitch anyway. The managerial shenanigans are far more entertaining. It is ludicrous to swallow the official line that no final decision has been taken by the Board. They are not going to be sitting around a table on May 19 – following a ritual thrashing by Manchester City – for a performance review and to talk things over: “Under weaknesses, David, you’ve put down chips and deep fried cornetto?” David Moyes is history, and anyone with any sense knows that to be the case. There is no way back for him from here. The only outstanding matter is for the official announcement to be made. Like a killer caught on CCTV, holding a smoking gun, blood on his clothes, and DNA all over the corpse, who just hasn’t heard the jury’s verdict yet.

The news that Tim Steidten has been electronically tagged to prevent him stalking the player;s dressing room is a classic West Ham gaffe. No, it wasn’t a good idea for Tim to turn up at the end of season party dressed as the Grim Reaper but that’s German humour for you.

I find it really puzzling why the Board have decided to stretch uncertainty until the final curtain. It might have made sense while the Europa League campaign was still ongoing, but not now. I don’t see who it benefits, and it must create the most awkward of situations for both Moyes and Steidten. Trying to avoid each other like a divorcing couple still sharing the same house.

The list of potential Moyes replacements gets a little longer by the day. As with transfer speculation we can assume that all but one or two of the links are pure media invention. A few weeks back, I threw in the name of Sebastian Hoenes who I had not seen linked previously. Should that happen, I will claim the credit for breaking the news.

Of all the names so far put forward as serious contenders, Julen Lopetegui is my least favourite – but unfortunately, I have no say in the matter. So, who is it going to be? According to Under The Hammers inside sources, Hansi Flick has been spotted eating jellied eels in Whitechapel, Ruben Amorim has enrolled for an online course in Cockney Rhyming Slang, and Paulo Fonseca has been learning the words to Chim Chim Cher-ee. A lot of positive interest there, then. For what it’s worth, my money is on Fonseca.

As for the weekend’s game at Stamford Bridge it has the makings of another comprehensive battering as our old-timers are given the runaround by a rejuvenated Chelsea youth. There is nothing to suggest the Hammers have the mettle to bounce back from their recent four month atrophy.

It would be nice to think that even at this late stage Moyes would try something different – throw in a youngster or two – but it’s likely to be the usual suspects, ta rademark low block, and Mohammed Kudus marooned on the left wing. The gameplan will be to setup for a draw, which the manager would regard as an exceptional result.

The most positive outcome from the match (other than it being one less match before the end of the season) is the chance for Jarrod Bowen to break Paolo Di Canio’s Premier League scoring record. It would be well deserved.

The Hammer’s recent foray into playing short goal-kicks from the back have been nothing short of comical. In the past, the keeper would just hoof a goal kick long in the hope that Tomas Soucek would head it an opponent. Now it goes from the keeper to Zouma, to Oggy, to Zouma and finally back to the keeper to hoof it long. Excellent progress with a few extra passes to add to the possession stats. I’ve called it comical but the inability to pass, move and make space emphasises how the squad has been assembled to play one way only – Moyesball. Whoever comes in has a job and a half on their hands.

The Hammers hopes of clinging on to a top half finish is likely to come down to results the following weekend when the Hammes host Luton and Bournemouth face Brentford. The other games look like formalities. COYI!