West Ham Monday Briefing: Sleepless in Sao Paulo, Crime and Punishment, and Transfer Window Waffle

Sleepless in Sao Paulo

Many years ago, I remember tuning in to Radio 5 on the drive home from work to hear that West Ham had signed Eyal Berkovic. There had been no weeks of chatter and speculation beforehand. No mention of monitoring the situation, preparing bids, and holding talks. It was a good old-fashioned swoop in classic Harry Redknapp style.

Today there are no such stealthy manoeuvrings in the world of football transfers. I don’t know if it is true at all clubs, but details of West Ham’s recruitment plans are as leaky as last season’s defence. As if the media have a Where’s Tim app that can track his whereabouts at the touch of a button. And if media reports are to be believed, every transfer pursuit follows the three-act format of Romantic Comedy screen play – meet, lose, and get.

Tim (played by Hugh Grant) tracks down a beautiful potential signing, they get along famously, the player is excited about the London Stadium project and appearing in the Premier League, the club see him as a perfect fit for the progressive football model being built at West Ham. Then everything goes horribly wrong. The Chairman (Bill Nighy) can’t agree contract terms. Sporting Directors from other Premier League teams have been following matters on Newsnow and attempt to hijack the deal. Clubs from oil rich nations get involved (Four Beheadings and A Funeral) splashing piles of cash that would double his weekly salary. As the credits roll Tim makes a last gasp dash to the departure gate at Sao Paulo airport waving an improved offer from London in his hand.

Crime and Punishment

The Lucas Paqueta betting investigation rumbles on with the player’s representatives requesting an extension to the original June 3 deadline for responding to charges. No new date has yet to be agreed. The noises being made last week were that the FA would be pushing for a lifetime ban should Paqueta be found guilty.

Now, it could be a case of the claret and blue tinted spectacles kicking in, but a lifetime ban feels completely disproportionate to the severity of the offence. It’s a huge stretch to interpret being yellow carded as an attempt to fix the outcome of a match. The most ridiculous aspect here is that bookmakers allow bets to be placed on peripheral and easily influenced events like throw-ins, corners, and yellow cards in the first place. Just another case of their greed, I suppose. Happy to take your money as long as they hold all the cards, yellow or otherwise. The role of Betway in this affair should not be overlooked. Wouldn’t a quiet word have been more appropriate than a full-scale whistle-blowing that could result in one of their partners losing out on £85 million. The idea that a gambling firm was overcome with a sense of moral responsibility must be pure fantasy.

Then there is the FA, an organisation who have happily accepted Russian gangsters and murderous nation states as fit and proper football club owners, getting on their high horse over a prank by a bunch of Brazilian islanders. An independent regulator is looking more and more like a sound idea.

Speaking of authoritarian club owners, the Premier League are now being sued by Manchester City for discrimination because they have been prevented them from funnelling even more cash into the team that has just won their fourth consecutive title. City’s case also complaining bitterly about the ‘tyranny of the majority’ in Premier League decision making – or democracy as we call it.

We are programmed to dislike all the ‘big six’ clubs but City are now the most despised in my opinion. I would love to see them expelled from the league and stripped of all their titles when the hearing into the 155 breaches of rules is finally heard. But that is never going to happen!

Breaking News: Transfer Update

Only four days to go before the transfer window officially opens and the speculation keeps on rolling in. Speculation continues to be dominated by Brazilians with strong rumours that Luis Guilherme is about to become the first signing of the Lopetegui era. A worrying trend in recent days has seen Guilherme regularly described as a wonderkid. It is a term that has historically been applied to youngsters who eventually disappear without trace. A second stuborn rumour is that the Hammers will lso be signing Brazilian centre-back Vitao.

We should not forget the final exciting update of the transfer week as West Ham have seemingly fought off stiff competition to capture the signature of Wes Foderingham as third choice keeper.

A further 15 names have been added to the speculative target list this week as shown below. The full list of 52 linked players can be viewed here. Even if most are made up, they are a better class of speculation than we were used to under the Scottish Manager (it is bad luck to mention him by name). No more Maguires, McTominays or Brownhills on the list – although Tammy Abraham remains a worry.

There is Nothing Like a Dane

Apropos of nothing, I was looking through the annals of Scandinavians who have turned out in a West Ham shirt. Given the love of their gods for hammers, it is a very short list. There are currently 14 Danes, 8 Swedes, 5 Norwegians, and 1 Finn playing in the Premier League. But none at the London Stadium.

It has not been a fertile area of recruitment at the club with the most successful in terms of both appearances and goals being Marc Rieper. I was very sorry to see him go when he left for Cletic.

Here is the full list: Rieper (101 apps, 5 goals), Jaaskelainen (61, 0), Ljungberg (28, 2), Jacobsen (26, 0), Nordtveit (21, 0), Carew (21, 2), Tihinen (10, 0), Soma (9, 0), Alexanderson (8, 0), Samuelson (2, 0).